Lullaby for A Stormy Night

'the sky was crying for her'- were
'she pretended didn't exist'- she pretended what didn't exist?
'became evident'- Could have been phrased better.
'though another day.'- I assume you meant 'through'


Well, I liked this poem- I could completely identify with it- as it is 2:20 here, and I can't sleep either.
I liked the way of description- but I think you could have done a longer poem- and have used a richer vocabulary.
But that's just me.
Anyway, I liked it.
I think you're talented- so keep writing,
SubjectBlue.

Before anything, I like the title. It's a poem in itself.a slender, fragile age of seventeen.
the sky was crying for her, for all the
tears she held back - for all the
times she pretended didn't exist.With this first sentence you right away got a sad mood, making me want to cry, right from the beginning.
a raindrop trickled down the window before herLove the detail.
and it suddenly became evident: all her
disappointment and her fears. Add an s on disappointment.
just when she thought things finally took a turn for
the better, she found herself tossing and turning in bed,
and then it started to storm.Like the suspense created here, the "but" that always comes.
her navy blue cotton cardigan rested comfortably on
the surface of her skin. Oh, love it!
tired, frustrated, alone,
she drags herself along this barren road.
tired of fighting to get though another day.
just, meaningless.Wow, this was really good. I cheer for you and your awesome writing. I hope this is not the last. Very good job. Not much else to say, just write!!

Thank you so much everyone for your comments, I really appreciate them.
I'll definitely use them in writing, and no worries, I'm good with criticism
Just wanted to thank you because I just recently started writing after a teacher told me that I my writing was horrendous and that I shouldn't attempt to write..

Your comments have really encouraged me.

Thank you all

This is pretty good, but there are a few nitpicks:

1. Try putting these lines into stanzas, as it will help others understand better.

2. I agree, don't put so much detail into what she is wearing, little significance.

3. I don't understand how this is a lullaby.

GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!!

~Kat

Hello sabrinadele,

I felt like this was something I could relate to because of the truth and meaning behind your words and I felt it didn't lack any of the qualities that I enjoy in poems. This was in fact and interesting poem and the bulk of this was really good. I liked the simple elements that made it seem complex yet easy to understand at the same time. For me this worked on most levels but I do have quite a bit of criticism that would help improve your poem, please don't take anything personally or offensively I don't mean to sound harsh.

Firstly I have to agree with Justtrying one of the main things I noticed about this was the non existent capital letters. Where were they? You really, really need to have capital letters! It is one of the most basic rules of writing and unfortunately poetic license doesn't extend itself far enough to cover up this mistake. I'm not going to point out where you need capitals, you can decide that for yourself but please. You need the capitals to complete the poem, it will take you under five minutes.

Next this wasn't spaced out very well either. You had a very big chunk of writing and you didn't even attempt to put it into stanzas or just split it into two even chunks. It was just a big bulk of writing that didn't flow as well as it would have had you spent that few extra minutes balancing everything out and altering the lines. Even a gap between each line would have helped this.

Finally, this would have been a bit nicer if this was longer. Expanding a little more on each line would have done a great deal of good to some of the more simple parts of the poem that I personally feel needed a bit more sparkle injected into each line. That is just a suggestion and not really necessary like the other couple of points I have listed above.

Overall this was nice and I liked the imagery and scene that you set. I love the description at the start and how pretty much every reviewer has said that they can relate to this, including me. I really liked this and keep on posting I look forward to reading some of your future poems so keep reviewing and submitting! This was lovely and I have to say you have a knack for writing poems!

From DreamingForever

I could so realte to this, I agree with "Suddenly" it felt meaningful! You use great descriptions and imagery and make the poem vivid! I agree with "Suddenly" on it being unecessary to describe the girls cloths though. In a novel that sorts of things can be important because you follow a person for a longer while. But in the poem, the girls emotions and feelings are more important that her clothing xD Also, you're missing alot of capitals! My last nitpick is the irrgularity of your lines... sometimes you cut sentences off, I assume to aid the flow - but mostly you just chop it up.

"her navy blue cotton cardigan rested comfortably
on the surface of her skin." - These lines for example, I think would sound better if written like this;

"her navy blue cotton cardigan,
rested comfortably on the surface of her skin." - Now the lines still differ as much in length, but it is easier to read and by adding a comma you don't interrupt the reader in the middle of a sentence.

you get 3½/5 icky sticky spiders for this! xD

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

a slender, fragile age of seventeen.
the sky was crying for her, for all the
tears she held back - for all the
times she pretended didn't exist.
a raindrop trickled down the window before her
and it suddenly became evident: all her
disappointment and her fears.
just when she thought things finally took a turn for
the better, she found herself tossing and turning in bed,
and then it started to storm.
her navy blue cotton cardigan rested comfortably on
the surface of her skin.
tired, frustrated, alone,
she drags herself along this barren road.
tired of fighting to get though another day.
just, meaningless.

Hey there! JT here!

Okay, so, you didn't have any Captials. Sure, it gives the poems a soft melody, and gives it the mood this poem requires. But also, it makes the poem rough. It looks a little un-neat, and it gives it the 'Let me just skip to the last line' mood. For me anyway.

a slender, fragile age of seventeen.
the sky was crying for her, Next line, perhaps?for all the
tears she held back - for all the
times she pretended didn't exist. Could be re-framed better.
a raindrop trickled down the window before her
and it suddenly became evident: <- I'm not to sure about this. I think it shou all her
disappointment and her fears.
just when she thought things finally took a turn for
the better, she found herself tossing and turning in bed,
and then it started to storm.
her navy blue cotton cardigan rested comfortably on
the surface of her skin.
tired, frustrated, alone,
she drags herself along this barren road.
tired of fighting to get though another day.
just, meaningless.

Hi
I liked this poem very much, i felt that i could really relate to it so it actually had meaning to me.
I couldn't find any spelling/grammatical errors so well done on that part
A few tips that i think would make this poem better :
1. Try not to put so much detail into what the girl is wearing as i feel this has little significance to the piece.
2. Space out the sentences a little.
3. I think, although you may think this poem is better being short, i really think that it would benefit from an extension, go into detail about the colour of the sky, the sound of the thunder and lightning you know?
Anyway, i enjoyed reading this poem so you don't have to change it at all, my points are just constructive criticism not a command.
I give your poem 7/10