Young Writers Society

I like this first line, it brought me into the second stanza

I look at her
and stare;
deep into her eyes

the third stanza i foudn it hard to say. i think after the "brown tidal pools" you need a full stop or a comma, and there a spelling mistake on "peirce" - "pierce"

Eyes, deep and thoughtful
like deep, brown tidal pools
they peirce into my soul
and reveal my iniquities

i like this stanza. it flowed for me, and the "I can't" made that pause that makes this stanza strong, bringing in the emotion of the voice.

And try as I might
to discard, and hide
my feelings
I can't
Her eyes just won't let go

I want to kiss her
to meet her lips in mine
like some forbidden rendezvous
and
run my hands
through her long black hair

it is cliched, and the question for me, is slightly out of place, it broke of the emotion of the poem a little.

Do I do it though?
No, I shall not risk it
whether through fear or foresight
I shall not risk it
For in Men's hearts do hold
the passion long foretold
of women whose love
is unrequited

other than that it's good, keep up the good work.

It seems to me like there's real feeling behind this but it's hiding. I agree that you rely too much on some pretty cliche images - I would suggest going back through this and stripping it down to the real bare bones. That should help get rid of the cliches and you can flesh it out with new ideas, rather than going though and trying to change various things as you see them. If you're having troubles coming up with new images/ideas/phrases, one of the things that helps me a lot is five or ten minutes spent freewriting. Have you ever tried that? I always end up writing pages upon pages...and maybe I only get one or two images/phrases from that. Just get it all out without judging it and sift through it later instead of while you're writing - it helps turn your focus from fixing things to coming up with new ideas.

I have some divided feelings over this poem. I like it; I'll say that much. You used some creative language and showed me something orginal while at the same time sort of falling back on some chilched stuff.

Suggestions:

"I look at her
and stare;
deep into her eyes "
Cut this out.

"Eyes, deep and thoughtful
like deep, brown tidal pools
they peirce into my soul
and reveal my iniquities "
a. You use 'deep' twice in two lines.
b. Find a word besides pierce. "Pierce my soul" is pretty cliche.

"And try as I might
to discard, and hide
my feelings
I can't
Her eyes just won't let go "
Cut this.

"I want to kiss her
to meet her lips in mine
like some forbidden rendezvous
and
run my hands
through her long black hair"
"I want to kiss her, meet her lips
in forbidden rendezvous,
run my hands through
her long black hair."

"Do I do it though?
No, I shall not risk it
whether through fear or foresight
I shall not risk it
For in Men's hearts do hold
the passion long foretold
of women whose love
is unrequited"
Cut "Do I do it though?"
and one of the "I shall not risk it"s.

I see a lot of potential. And remember, my changes are only examples.