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141,439 Literary Works • 674,446 Reviews
Hey!
I really enjoyed this poem especially your use of ellipses at the end of each stanza, that had a really nice effect.
However I think some of your rhymes could be worked on as a few of them seemed forced. Following on from what Nargles was saying one way to solve the problem of it seeming to happy and also to get rid of any 'forced' rhymes might be to break the rhyme scheme every now and again. So whenever the rhyme seemed forced or doesn't fit, just find a better word- it doesn't matter if it doesn't rhyme. I don't know how this will work or whether it will actually be any good but you could try experimenting with it if you wanted.
Hope this helps, with a bit of polishing I think you will have a really good poem here
Wake
Okey doke here. I'm going to get my nitpicks out before I give you praise.
1. Format format format! Let the readers rely on the words themselves rather on the format to enjoy the piece. Proper format? Straight line down the left with spaces for stanzas.
2. CAPITALIZE your I! Each time you say 'i did' It should be 'I did' (I'm a grammar nazi)
3. Lastly, the law line is 'mow i,' which I believe should say 'now I'
Other than that, I didn't see many errors.
So. I think arounde the third stanza the rhyming fell into place a bit more. I think if you were to clean up the first two stanzas a bit more the piece would flow extremely well. "But told my heart, to now depart" I like that stanzas as well as "A friend in need" that one as well. Those were probably my two favorite, I just felt that they flowed a little bit better than the others. That and the words hit me a bit more.
For a rhyming poem, this didn't sound childish as most rhyming poems tend to do. It may seem like I was really ripping on this piece but you did a good job with it =] Well done.
This is a good poem! I really enjoyed it but I do love rhyming poems that make sense too ! At first I thought it was aabout a boyfriend/girlfriend then at the end it's your mom...you could leave the mom part out and it would still be good but it's good the way it is. If you have time, please review my chapter 1 - Sirena. work.php?id=95310
Hi,
Okay first things first, make sure that you edit it and go through any mistakes such as spelling, capitalisation and grammar, it simply makes the reading easier.
Now that is cleared up lets get into the hardcore stuff.
It wasn't bad but it didn't really do much for me. It had a nice, happy feel to it but it was lacking that little extra oomph. Mainly it just needed to play a bit more on the readers emotions. It is obviously a poem about loss but I didn't really feel that all the way through. This is important and it can be by adding more emotive language and making it have a darker, lonely feel to it.
Rhyming is good but it sort of gives it that happy feel to a poem which isn't always a good thing!
Just maybe try to picture how you want the reader to feel and what is the best way of acheiving it.
I liked the last line and i think that it could be a great poem.
Bye