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Haunted Heist

by saadamansayyed


HAUNTED HEIST

SO THAT SUCKS

I was ready to do this. I, Jacob and McKayla would build the most awesome haunted house ever. We would spook the heck out of everybody on Asphalt Street. We would be revered in the history of Asphalt Street as the spookiest haunted house in town. Unfortunately, I had to share this glory with the Mad and Bad boys.

“Dad, please! We will not default this time, promise.”

“Hey, you’re not to be trusted. You did of course lose my 300 bucks, and I don’t trust you with money ever since.”

“DAD! I’m just asking for 50. That is just one-fifth of what I asked.”

“Another thing I don’t trust you with - maths.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll do something.”

“Just don’t shoplift like I did when I was fourteen! Juvy makes school look like heaven!”

“Dad, you went to juvy?”

“Uh, don’t bother me, now.”

With a face dropped low, I went to my friends. Only they could think of a solution. Our attempts had failed to materialize since we started elementary school. And, cheesy romantic comedies have taught that Halloween is totally banned when you turn 14 — sounds odd, but we trust it. So for the last time we’re not fourteen on a Halloween, I wanted to make it bigger and better than ever.

McKayla had become, as she were, Madam Curie.

“Madame Sklodowska! I told you before,” she said in a harsh tone.

That was yet, a splendid dress. She looked so French. And so Polish. And so much an irradiated scientist in the late nineteenth century. What I mean to say is, she did look a lot like Marie Curie.

So, this is my plan — I said before proceeding to tell them about my schemes of the most haunted haunted-house ever.

STEALING IS A BAD OMEN

There, see those Mad & Bad boys. Those are Brad and Fred, those two guys wearing orange jumpsuits. They look terrible by the way. They have created a two-storey haunted house. What we have to do is sneak in there and grab some spooky stuff.

“Like what?” McKayla said.

“Like, you’ve got jack-o-lanterns, you’ve got your skeleton suits and you’ve also got some candy. Just in case.”

“I know, you’re the weird guy who likes Twizzlers.”

“Initiate Operation Haunted Heist.”

So, after escaping so many groups of little kids who’d budge us for candy (and most of them wanted Snickers, for some reason), we were finally in front of their home. That was their home. Their rich dad basically danced to their tune, so they made awesome things. And their ideas were suspiciously as good and the same as ours. The only difference is - they had the means and the motives - the Ms and Ms, however, we just had the motives. We’d get the means and we’d head out to our basement and build the contraption ourselves.

So, for that to happen, Jacob had to do his usual pranks and distract them. Then, we’d go behind the house and enter from the backdoor. McKayla, with her tools, would break the locks. When we got in, we would take the employees’ route and then slide into the storeroom. There, we’d grab two spooky costumes and take this shovel with us, which we’d then fill with all the spooky stuff they had. Then, we’d pretend that we had a ticket and travel through the haunted house, before sneaking out to Jacob, going to our house (which luckily was just the house beside the opposite of their house) and we’d build it while McKayla would keep guard. We’d do this again and again until it was ready. No need for the applause incoming, I knew this was the perfect battle strategy, and if we’d execute it, we’d make history, one heist by heist. There was, however, a tradition on Asphalt Street — which we all held sacrilegious. Haunted houses close at 12 midnight and all the things have to go out. That is why you never find young kids on the road after midnight, it is a spooky hour. But, we did not want to make the spookiest haunted roadshow — no, we wanted to make the spookiest haunted house. This plan failed though.

So, as planned, Jacob pulled a really funny prank. He’d go and talk to them as a police-guy. A cop. Now, he planned to dress as Dr. Seuss, but he had to switch last minute for a cop costume, and that was a bit weird, considering he gets in trouble with the police, like, everyday. And he had some disguises. So, all things considered, Jack did a pretty good job of keeping the two teens in hand. The real problem — McKayla. Now, in every friend group, you have a trio. You have Harry, Ron and Hermione. I was the Harry to be the chosen one, we had our prankster in Jacob, but McKayla wasn’t as bold as Hermione. She was a bit too prone to being a bit too scared. A bit too much.

“I have reservations about this pulling a heist thing,” she said.

“Oh, do you want to make history or not?”

“Well, I guess. Okay, fine.”

That showed just really how reluctant she was. She wasn’t the girl to sabotage things, however, she would not be putting a hundred percent, that was sure. And, she was in a phase, as well. A sort of obsessive phase.

But, after a few heists, we knew we had a security discrepancy. A serious security discrepancy. You know, our beloved security guard, McKayla, was too obsessed with seeing what she branded as “cutest boy in the street” and spotting him, and she ignored Fred and Brad’s goons, who went outside the basement. You see, we’d locked the basement, but there was a stairway that took you there that we didn’t lock. This was for McKayla to come in and tell us the whereabouts. However, she ignored that. The boys’ goons didn’t. Now, the boys would come and pick stuff up outside. See, we would take the things we did want to use inside every heist, and drop the rest outside.

That was our fatal flaw.

We noticed things disappearing, and I was scared. I, a most daring boy, believed that a ghost had infiltrated the downside. Years ago, my elder sister had told me the Legend of the Boy-Ghost of Asphalt street. The dastardly creature would not kill you or cause you harm, but it was kleptomaniac. It liked to rob people and an increased number of burglaries during the holiday season had validated the people into thinking that ghosts would steal stuff every Halloween. And, editors of papers, taking advantage, wrote about more robberies to increase reading stats. It created this fearful environment and everybody thought everybody was a ghost who wanted to steal stuff.

I was scared too. I was aware that we were stealing. Not that they were stealing.

And they didn’t either. I mean, the goons did know that they were stealing this stuff, but they didn’t know it was not our stuff, but stuff that we’d stolen from them. This created a vicious cycle. We both grew scared and scared until the other guys confessed, and that was when we understood the downsides of thievery, apart from cops hating you and people also hating you.

Well, basically, it was around 10:30 I guess when they took a bunch of stuff and one of them said that he knew a shortcut. They could climb through a little crack and then sneak out over the fence out of our lawn. However, they ended up inside our basement and they did try to run, but they got their feet stuck on glue. They were caught. They fessed up that the boys were jealous of our haunted house being so good and they wanted to get some stuff and then we confessed.

After all this, we somehow put together a really good haunted house and had decent traffic before midnight, when we enjoyed the road show. I even got a soda and shared it with Brad, who is actually a cool guy and we joined our DnD groups. That taught me something - to not judge books by their cover, and stealing is bad.

McKayla was clung on to her seat, staring as she sweat as the “cutest boy” passed by. There was no such boy ever born or seen through cameras in the street, and McKayla had engaged us in another mystery, but I guess, that is a story for another time.


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Tue Nov 02, 2021 11:27 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!!

I enjoyed this story!! I think you did a really nice job spinning a funny but spooky tale. I think your strongest point was your character voices; they were really distinct, especially for your main character. I also liked the little lesson/twist at the end, and the trio making up with their previous rivals and also having a somewhat successful haunted house was a really sweet ending. Nice work!!

One thing I did want to comment on was that your story got a little muddled towards the end. I was confused as to whether the people stealing from your main trio were Brad and Fred, or if they were an entirely different duo. At first, I didn't even know that there were people stealing from them, since you had talked about the ghost; I thought your main character had just discovered a ghost. I think that there are some plot points that need to be clearer in this.

I also thought your pacing was a little off; you dragged at the beginning and then made the ending really fast. With short stories especially, you should really try to focus on key details in the story. Like, I'm not sure if it was necessary for the readers to know what McKayla's costume was. I liked how you started with the conversation with the dad; I think that did a nice job of illustrating why they had to steal from the other haunted house. I think that the whole explanation of the heist plan could have been portrayed better in action; that would have made it more entertaining for the readers. I did like how you transitioned by saying that they did that for a few times before it went wrong. I wasn't exactly clear on how the main character caught the burglars in action, so I think that would be a part to flesh out more. I think this story could lend itself to suspense really nicely, so it would be interesting to show the MC's reaction to finding out that stuff is missing, thinking it's a ghost, then slowly discovering it's actually two boys.

Overall: nice work! I think that you've got some really good foundations that could be elevated with some minor adjustments. I look forward to reading more of your work on here sometime in the future! Until next time!!




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Mon Nov 01, 2021 7:07 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...so this is a solid story I think. You've done a pretty good job with this one here, and I do believe that I do like it for the most part. There are a couple of places I saw that could do with a bit of improvement, but it sounds good, and its enjoyable.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I was ready to do this. I, Jacob and McKayla would build the most awesome haunted house ever. We would spook the heck out of everybody on Asphalt Street. We would be revered in the history of Asphalt Street as the spookiest haunted house in town. Unfortunately, I had to share this glory with the Mad and Bad boys.


Okayy...interesting start. Not the catchiest of starts, but it works I think. Its seems to be almost a summary of what to expect in the story and we have the person that I assume is our protagonist sort of declaring to himself that he will do achieve this thing...well let's see where this goes.

“Dad, please! We will not default this time, promise.”

“Hey, you’re not to be trusted. You did of course lose my 300 bucks, and I don’t trust you with money ever since.”

“DAD! I’m just asking for 50. That is just one-fifth of what I asked.”

“Another thing I don’t trust you with - maths.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll do something.”

“Just don’t shoplift like I did when I was fourteen! Juvy makes school look like heaven!”

“Dad, you went to juvy?”

“Uh, don’t bother me, now.”


Hmm, this is an interesting conversation there between the father and the son. I love the little hints of humor sprinkled in there. This is in the humor category after all, so good job on that. You manage to make things funny without it getting too outlandish, but I have to say there's a couple of things off with this conversation. For one, I think maybe a couple of dialogue tags would help. I can totally understand who's saying what because the voices are so different and that's awesome, but its good to have at least one set of dialogue tags. Also that second line by the father sounds a little scripted. I think it needs a bit of a rewrite there.

With a face dropped low, I went to my friends. Only they could think of a solution. Our attempts had failed to materialize since we started elementary school. And, cheesy romantic comedies have taught that Halloween is totally banned when you turn 14 — sounds odd, but we trust it. So for the last time we’re not fourteen on a Halloween, I wanted to make it bigger and better than ever.

McKayla had become, as she were, Madam Curie.

“Madame Sklodowska! I told you before,” she said in a harsh tone.


The transition there is a little fast. We jump right from the end of this conversation with the father to this person's friends and what they are wearing. I think maybe you need to smoothen that out a little, but I do like where this story is headed so far.

STEALING IS A BAD OMEN

There, see those Mad & Bad boys. Those are Brad and Fred, those two guys wearing orange jumpsuits. They look terrible by the way. They have created a two-storey haunted house. What we have to do is sneak in there and grab some spooky stuff.


Okayy...this is going very much in the direction you'd expect children of that age to go in, and I like. Its got its own appeal in that fashion, although I will say that sudden one line in all caps is a bit jarring. Its a true statement, that adds a bit of comedy but, perhaps don't put it all caps, cause it stands out as a bit odd.

“Like what?” McKayla said.

“Like, you’ve got jack-o-lanterns, you’ve got your skeleton suits and you’ve also got some candy. Just in case.”

“I know, you’re the weird guy who likes Twizzlers.”

“Initiate Operation Haunted Heist.”


This conversation did get lost a bit without the dialogue tags, so yeah I'll say it again, you should include a few more of those. Otherwise thought, its a little rushed, but this is exactly the sort of silly conversation I'd expect a group of kids at that age to have, so its a fun little scene here.

So, after escaping so many groups of little kids who’d budge us for candy (and most of them wanted Snickers, for some reason), we were finally in front of their home. That was their home. Their rich dad basically danced to their tune, so they made awesome things. And their ideas were suspiciously as good and the same as ours. The only difference is - they had the means and the motives - the Ms and Ms, however, we just had the motives. We’d get the means and we’d head out to our basement and build the contraption ourselves.


Okay...I like this paragraph. It gives us a little more context as to what is so special about this other group of people and also about why these other kids might not like them quite that much and why they'd be a bit jealous of the haunted house they build. Its a little info dumpy, but it goes along with the flow well enough that I find that I don't mind that.

So, as planned, Jacob pulled a really funny prank. He’d go and talk to them as a police-guy. A cop. Now, he planned to dress as Dr. Seuss, but he had to switch last minute for a cop costume, and that was a bit weird, considering he gets in trouble with the police, like, everyday. And he had some disguises. So, all things considered, Jack did a pretty good job of keeping the two teens in hand. The real problem — McKayla. Now, in every friend group, you have a trio. You have Harry, Ron and Hermione. I was the Harry to be the chosen one, we had our prankster in Jacob, but McKayla wasn’t as bold as Hermione. She was a bit too prone to being a bit too scared. A bit too much.


Okayy...so this part is maybe the part I felt was the weakest in this story. First of all, this one I quoted was the third paragraph in a row to start with so. It gives a very repetitive tone to things and that needs to get changed around a bit. Also that second paragraph was a little too long and I felt it went into a bit too much detail. You just kind of listed out everyone's abilities and roles in this "heist" and I feel like it comes off as a bit boring. I think it would be better to either shot them plan these things out in a conversation, or just actually show this plan in action, rather than in this long description.

“I have reservations about this pulling a heist thing,” she said.

“Oh, do you want to make history or not?”

“Well, I guess. Okay, fine.”

That showed just really how reluctant she was. She wasn’t the girl to sabotage things, however, she would not be putting a hundred percent, that was sure. And, she was in a phase, as well. A sort of obsessive phase.


Not sure what you meant by that last part there, but I do like how you show that maybe this one person is getting cold feet at the thought of pulling this heist and maybe will not be putting their best effort into it. Its a bit of extra tension added to how this might go and I like seeing that. :D

But, after a few heists, we knew we had a security discrepancy. A serious security discrepancy. You know, our beloved security guard, McKayla, was too obsessed with seeing what she branded as “cutest boy in the street” and spotting him, and she ignored Fred and Brad’s goons, who went outside the basement. You see, we’d locked the basement, but there was a stairway that took you there that we didn’t lock. This was for McKayla to come in and tell us the whereabouts. However, she ignored that. The boys’ goons didn’t. Now, the boys would come and pick stuff up outside. See, we would take the things we did want to use inside every heist, and drop the rest outside.

That was our fatal flaw.


Okayy....so that explained the "obsessive phase" but I feel like you should still rephrase that a bit. Just say that she had a crush or something like that, cause that choice of words there doesn't quite suggest that same idea all that well. Anyway, this is a fun look into how this plan sort of had a hole in it and how things went wrong. I still thing rather than this style of just sort of explaining everything it would be a lot better to show this in action, but here it isn't boring, it just feels a bit too passive.

We noticed things disappearing, and I was scared. I, a most daring boy, believed that a ghost had infiltrated the downside. Years ago, my elder sister had told me the Legend of the Boy-Ghost of Asphalt street. The dastardly creature would not kill you or cause you harm, but it was kleptomaniac. It liked to rob people and an increased number of burglaries during the holiday season had validated the people into thinking that ghosts would steal stuff every Halloween. And, editors of papers, taking advantage, wrote about more robberies to increase reading stats. It created this fearful environment and everybody thought everybody was a ghost who wanted to steal stuff.

I was scared too. I was aware that we were stealing. Not that they were stealing.


Okayy...so I like this little touch of the whole ghost thing. I'm guessing this part is the reason that this is also in the horror category as well as the humor category. I think its a nice little twist in the tale, but I think you could make things seems a bit scarier if you described the emotions of this character a bit better. We get a statement talking about how they are scared but we don't get anything else to show how scared. Sure the legend of the ghost is scary but we don't see the level of impact it has on our characters.

Well, basically, it was around 10:30 I guess when they took a bunch of stuff and one of them said that he knew a shortcut. They could climb through a little crack and then sneak out over the fence out of our lawn. However, they ended up inside our basement and they did try to run, but they got their feet stuck on glue. They were caught. They fessed up that the boys were jealous of our haunted house being so good and they wanted to get some stuff and then we confessed.


Okayy....these last two paragraphs were certainly a bit different from the sort of thing I was expecting from this story. I didn't think that we'd have a situation where the two parties who were stealing would confess to each other and realize their mistakes. This is now going in a bit of moral direction....and considering the category this is in, I totally didn't expect that, but I love this direction that it took here.

After all this, we somehow put together a really good haunted house and had decent traffic before midnight, when we enjoyed the road show. I even got a soda and shared it with Brad, who is actually a cool guy and we joined our DnD groups. That taught me something - to not judge books by their cover, and stealing is bad.

McKayla was clung on to her seat, staring as she sweat as the “cutest boy” passed by. There was no such boy ever born or seen through cameras in the street, and McKayla had engaged us in another mystery, but I guess, that is a story for another time.


Okayy...that's an interesting ending there. There's a slight sense of all the issues being resolved and everyone being happy in the end...and then there's this little touch of a mystery as well. It's an interesting combination of notes to hit in an ending and I think that I do like it here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this isn't a pretty decent story. I enjoyed reading it, some of the humor in there was pretty good, and I really liked the message it was sending there with the ending. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Happy Halloween and Thanks for the review!



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!! And Same to youu!! :D





Oh - and next month's (December's) story is in the works. It is also in the humor category, and is a teen-fic inspired by the finale of the Disney Channel sitcom Girl Meets World (2014-2017).



HarryHardy says...


:D




The poetry of the earth is never dead.
— John Keats