Published December 21, 2006
I wrote this there now, it's just the start to something I'm working on, i'm sure it needs plenty of editingbut see what you think...
Katie Hansen squinted at the light, which had spilled into room. It drowned the bed, spurting from the large undressed windows on two of the four walls. "Bugger!" she thought, "Mum took down the curtains to wash them again?" Just at that she heard her mother climbing the stairs, her voice echoing off the walls of the half empty house. Of course, moving day! How had she forgotten? Perhaps it was really more about denial. Katie hadn’t really been enticed by the thought of a “bran new, clean and fresh modern house” in the same way her mother had. Despite her protests, their clothes, books, items which once adorned the shelves, the shelves for that matter, the socks under the beds, the cuddly toys and the CDs and everything else belonging to them was packaged into neat boxes awaiting the arrival of the moving lorry. It was official. Goodbye house.
Allison Hansen opened her daughters bedroom door and faced what she expected. A half asleep (or half awake, depending on Allison’s levels of optimism) teenager, peeking out at her from the under the covers.
“Tea?” Allison asked smiling.
Katie sat up and took the cup from her mother sipping it a little too enthusiastically and screwing her face up as the hot liquid burnt her tongue.
“So?” her mother asked smiling. “Are you excited?”
Katie looked up, “Yeah, I suppose so. Should be some fun in it.”
Allison looked at Katie at little sadly, “Look, I know you weren’t too keen on moving,” She said sympathetically “but it will all be alright. No! It will be more than alright, it will be great. You’ll have a bran new spacious room to decorate as you please, you can have your friends over whenever, you’ll love it!”
Katie nodded, “Yeah.”
“I’m going to go pick up a ready made breakfast cause we’ve packed all the plates and well, cooking equipment in general. Do you want to come along for the ride?”
“Nah, I’m pretty tired I’m going to lay back here for while.” Katie lay down and tugged the covers up under her chin. Her mother got up to leave. Just as Allison was about to exit Katie peeked out from the covers, “Get me a muffin!” she said, then added with a smile, “please”. Allison nodded and left closing the door behind her.
Watching skinny little Katie down a blueberry muffin, a bagel with cream cheese and couple of glasses of coke, Lauren couldn’t help but be a little jealous of her sister. It was surely her height that allowed her to eat so much and weigh so little. Perhaps if Lauren had a few more inches upwards she wouldn’t have them outwards. She downed the rest of orange juice and began helping her mother and father pack away the last few things. Katie watched lazily, knowing that she too would have to get up soon enough and pull her weight.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Overall this seems like a pretty cool premise. It definitely sounds like a really interesting premise that I would want to read more on if you have ever posted such things. The main character gets some good personality traits right off the bat and that's nice to see.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy that is a decent way to begin the story and pretty interesting but this paragraph just dumps so much exposition right at the very start and also is just kind of long and speaking of several ideas so I would suggest that get chopped in half.
Well that is definitely accurate teenage behavior.
Seems like the plates and cooking equipment part is kind of unnecessary because you can easily deduce that from what's been said so far and also it just makes this sentence a little clunky.
That's a really sudden transition that you have there. You need to tone that one way down or else it just catches the reader by surprise and its just all of a sudden very disorienting to the reader. I think just a few stars there at the center with a double space would work wonders.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So overall this was a nice little start to a story if maybe this was supposed to be a story because it does feel somewhat incomplete because in terms of an actual plot nothing really happens in this scene. But overall it was pretty well written so good job. I hope to run into more parts of this.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
It doesn't really matter if you rush the beginning because you want to write the rest of the story, as long as you go back and edit it.
A story is finished after the first draft, but also after every edit, but when it is completely edited and finished, it's never truly finished.
Keep trying and I'm sure you'll find a writing style that suits you.
RR*
I actually agree with basically everything you said so thanks. Well I have an idea for a story so I just sort of started off into it although I admit I'm feeling more passionate about writing the main thread of the story so I've probably rushed the beginning. Basically my idea is that they move to a new house but Katie starts hearing things next door like theres often a constant banging on the wall or she thinks she hears voices in distress, I haven't worked out exactly what's going on however I'm going for a mystery theme that the noises have something sinister behind it. NOT like some slasher novel though lol, mystery...
This isn't bad, but some of the grammer is a bit strange, and it is all squashed together. Try double-spacing your paragraphs, starting any new speaker's dialogue on a new line, in a new paragraph, and putting a tab in front of any new paragraph.
"bran new, clean and fresh modern house”
Should this be:
"Brand new, clean and fresh modern house,"?
I think you introduced Lauren a bit suddenly as the paragraphs before had been about Katie and Allison.
Apart from that, it has potential, but is this supposed to be the start of the first chapter? It is slightly unclear.
Hope it helps!
RR*
Please let me know what you think:D