Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Romantic

E - Everyone

I'm sorry dear .

by s1l2, Love


Sam drove his car by one hand while holding his mobile in the other hand, he smiling

when he heard the caller's voice saying," Hello."

Hello my dear friend " "

How are you, Sam?""

I, as you know me, I get bored quickly, and I want to renew." "

A moment of silence passed, then the caller said with great suspicion," Do you still insist on that?"

Sam coldly replied," Yes."

The caller sighed, and did not say anything, so Sam realized that his friend did not support what he would do, so Sam, trying to make his friend excuse him, said", The person feels bored, Lily loves me, and the other woman loves me too."

" You means that she loves her revenge on her traitorous husband, and she wants to make Lily drink from the same bitter cup ."

Sam sighed with great distress, and almost explained to his friend that his betrayal is harmless, as he drives a car, and talks to his friend at the same time, he can satisfy the hearts of the two women, but his friend ended the call.

It was, according to Sam, more like perfumes. You prefer a certain perfume over the rest, but you will still try another perfume, even if for one time, Lily is sitting on the throne of his heart, but that does not mean that another woman does not take advantage of her absence, and sits on it for several minutes .

He drove quickly, he wants to finish this matter as quickly as possible, the matter will not exceed several hours, and then his life will return to its normal course, and that woman will appear as if she decided to stay with her traitorous husband because she is a sacrificial mother who does not want her children to be separated, Betrayal is bad

, but in his case it is considered a humanitarian service, his eyes widened, and he heard the screams of passers-by, the vision became blurred, and he no longer understood anything that they were shouting about.

Now he heard the sound of Lily's crying, whose tears fell on his face. He opened his eyes very slowly, then he looked at her with amazement. Lily stopped crying, then wiped her tears. .

She grabbed his hand as if making sure that he was still with her, and she said with great sadness," You hurt my heart so much."

Remembering his intention to betray, so did he dare to continue looking at her, while she said affectionate reproach," What a hasty man, what is this thing for which you almost lost your life?"

He kissed her hands, and he says," I'm sorry, dear, I promise you that it will not happen again."

After he left the hospital, he returned to work where he saw his co-worker and his partner in thebetrayal that has not been completed.

She said without asking him about the bandages that cover part of his face," you missed my opportunity for revenge, you are idiot man."

He stared her sarcastically, and said," Yes, I was a fool, but from now on I will be smarter," then he walked into his office.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
212 Reviews


Points: 575
Reviews: 212

Donate
Tue Sep 15, 2020 4:02 pm
View Likes
EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review! My critique is not meant to hurt you, offend you, or make your novel or poem seem like it's bad, but be warned-you may feel offended anyway.
Praise
I really love the subject you choose-or rather the way it played out. A man realizing how much his 'affairs' were hurting his wife. That's some deep, human, character development right there. Also you do have some beautiful prose in this paragraph-

It was, according to Sam, more like perfumes. You prefer a certain perfume over the rest, but you will still try another perfume, even if for one time, Lily is sitting on the throne of his heart, but that does not mean that another woman does not take advantage of her absence, and sits on it for several minutes.

I love that 'throne of his heart'.
Critique
Red alert, red alert! Critique is approaching and fast!
I do have some grammar errors I want to point out, but I'll be merciful save those for last :P What I really wanted to talk about was your character development, or rather characterization. I can clearly see how Sam changes throughout this piece, so you've fleshed out his humanity, but I can't really get a read on his personality and the ways in which his personality changes. You do drop hints as to what it could be of course and you could explore that a little more-
I, as you know me, I get bored quickly, and I want to renew." "

That statement tells me that Sam's one of those 'playboy' type characters, who is always impatient, and moves on from one activity to the next...which might suggest that Sam has ADHD...but I don't really see it enacted, and further more this line is in reference to his affairs and that doesn't really apply. You could have a lot of fun with that though-what would happen if it was Sam who ended the conversation because something he saw out the window had caught his attention? In what ways could that have effected the overall story? What could that tell us about his character?
Sam sighed with great distress, and almost explained to his friend that his betrayal is harmless, as he drives a car, and talks to his friend at the same time, he can satisfy the hearts of the two women, but his friend ended the call.

This clues me in on a potential mindset for Sam-he thinks it's okay to do wrong, or to hurt other people, because it will make people (other then the ones he's hurting) happy. But that's only a potential mindset. But again, this could be something you could explore. Let's go back to that phone scenario-what if he abandoned his friend mid-conversation because he knew how he his friend was unhappy with him and so to make his friend happier he decides to drop the conversation? That's a completely different take on the character, and that could also clue us in to his age-19, or maybe 20. It would also suggest that Sam is a little ignorant. Which again, can play a big part in his realizing that he was hurting his wife.
Betrayal is bad

, but in his case it is considered a humanitarian service...

That suggests another mindset-cognitive dissonance. He believes it's wrong, but he also believes it's right because it's a 'humanitarian service. If you wanted a more complex story you could expand on that a little, and show us how the Car Crash changed his 'holding dueling beliefs'
Over all though, it's up to you if you want to expand on this or not.
" Hello."

Hello my dear friend " "

How are you, Sam?""

I, as you know me, I get bored quickly, and I want to renew." "

A moment of silence passed, then the caller said with great suspicion," Do you still insist on that?"

Sam coldly replied," Yes."

I notice how you have no quotation marks at the beginning of each sentence, but have double quotation marks at the end, or you have quotations on both ends of the sentence but have a space before the first one. That's a little...erratic I guess, and I did have some trouble following the dialogue as a result.
Betrayal is bad

, but in his case it is considered a humanitarian service, his eyes widened, and he heard the screams of passers-by, the vision became blurred, and he no longer understood anything that they were shouting about.

Whew, you've got a major line break there that sort of disrupts the overall flow of the story. It'd flow better if written this way-
Betrayal is bad, but in his case it is considered a humanitarian service, his eyes widened and he heard the screams of passers-by...

Just one last thing-
He drove quickly, he wants to finish this matter as quickly as possible, the matter will not exceed several hours, and then his life will return to its normal course, and that woman will appear as if she decided to stay with her traitorous husband because she is a sacrificial mother who does not want her children to be separated, Betrayal is bad

, but in his case it is considered a humanitarian service, his eyes widened, and he heard the screams of passers-by, the vision became blurred, and he no longer understood anything that they were shouting about.

Now he heard the sound of Lily's crying, whose tears fell on his face. He opened his eyes very slowly, then he looked at her with amazement. Lily stopped crying, then wiped her tears. .

She grabbed his hand as if making sure that he was still with her, and she said with great sadness," You hurt my heart so much."

There's nothing to indicate that your completely changing scenes between 'he no longer understood anything that they were shouting about' and 'Now he heard the sound of Lily's crying'.
Maybe try writing it this way?
He drove quickly, he wants to finish this matter as quickly as possible, the matter will not exceed several hours, and then his life will return to its normal course, and that woman will appear as if she decided to stay with her traitorous husband because she is a sacrificial mother who does not want her children to be separated, Betrayal is bad

, but in his case it is considered a humanitarian service, his eyes widened, and he heard the screams of passers-by, the vision became blurred, and he no longer understood anything that they were shouting about.
...
Now he heard the sound of Lily's crying, whose tears fell on his face. He opened his eyes very slowly, then he looked at her with amazement. Lily stopped crying, then wiped her tears. .

She grabbed his hand as if making sure that he was still with her, and she said with great sadness," You hurt my heart so much."

That's all I've got as far as grammar is concerned. You should probably proofread it on your own and see what else can be fixed <3
Conclusion
Overall this is an emotional piece that with a little polishing, could be beautiful <3
Write away-
The one and only Ever




s1l2 says...


Thank you very match for this advices .



s1l2 says...


I think you noticed that I wrote the wrong sentence, and I apologize for the time I spent trying to understand the story, I am hasty and sent the story several minutes before the blackout, and then I completely forgot about it, I promise you that I will try to write a better story and be patient.



User avatar
21 Reviews


Points: 2194
Reviews: 21

Donate
Tue Sep 15, 2020 4:05 am
View Likes
melaniietears wrote a review...



I like this and I think you did a great job on this. I saw a few minor writing mistakes that you could fix like for example the line, "he smiling when he heard the caller's voice saying," Hello.'" Since it is written in past tense, you should change the word 'smiling' to 'smiled.'
Another thing you could fix is the paragraph "The caller sighed, and did not say anything, so Sam realized that his friend did not support what he would do, so Sam, trying to make his friend excuse him, said", The person feels bored, Lily loves me, and the other woman loves me too." This sentence is too long and has too many commas. You should try shortening it like this. 'The caller sighed, and did not say anything. Sam realized that his friend did not support what he would do. So Sam, trying to make his friend excuse him, said "The person feels bored. Lily loves me and the other woman loves me too."' See it's easier to read and you don't have all the unnecessary commas.
Same with this one, "Sam sighed with great distress, and almost explained to his friend that his betrayal is harmless, as he drives a car, and talks to his friend at the same time, he can satisfy the hearts of the two women, but his friend ended the call."
You should change it up a bit to make it say, "Sam sighed with great distress and tried to explain to his friend that his betrayal is harmless and that he can satisfy the heard of two women. But before he could do so, his friend hung up."
Overall, I think you should just proofread your writing and edit any mistakes you see. :)





When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
— Eric Hoffer