There is a place
All the faeries like to play,
Yet you never see their face.
There is a tree,
The butterflies best in,
And a place for you and me.
But, horrible, tragic things happen here.
Remember when the Big Bad Wolf ate grandma?
And when hansel and Gretel killed the witch who acted ever so dear?
Well, they are still here
In spirit and soul.
As you wander through the forest,
You better live in fear.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there rvcsvl, first off, welcome to YWS!
To be honest, I am not really a big fan of this poem. What confuses me the most is the genre you mention. I am sorry, but I didnt find any "suspense" in your poem. It's one of my rare reviews where I don't have any praise to shower.
What's upsetting here is the inconsistency in narration. I am not sure what point you were trying to convey with this poem, but it isn't looking very impressive.
Okay, so this was suppose to be a suspense poem, but the example you cited for "horrible" and "tragic things" really sapped my joy from this poem. Big Bad Wolf and Grandma was a fable with a "moral" The reference here looks incoherent and it completely breaks the momentum of your poem. It feels stretched after a while, in spite of its small length particularly due to the fact that you are using wile weird examples to make your point.
Wouldn't your point become more pertinent and strong if you erase the bad wolf line and add a more relevant example? I am not trying to discourage you, but this poem was beyond me. Either I missed key points in it and completely misinterpreted it or it needs a serious re-look.
Keep writing though! It's your first poem, and you shall surely improve!
Hello there! CaptainSalty here with a review!
I am not really fond of this poem. There is room for improvement though. After all, this is your very first poem.
"There is a place
All the faeries like to play,
Yet you never see their face"
In this part of the poem, the beginning, everything after this just changed the subject which threw everything off.
Also, your rhyme scheme is a little confusing with everything jumbled up in this big cluster of words. Try formatting it differently.
In this line here.
"But, horrible, tragic things happen here."
NEVER begin a sentence with the word but. Use something else like yet, as Tuesday said.
"And when hansel and Gretel killed the witch who acted ever so dear?"
NEVER begin a sentence with the word and. Try something else. Also, try capitalizing "Hansel."
Also, with every single first letter of each line capitalized, it looks like it starts a bunch of new sentences. Please take these things into consideration.
-CaptainSalty
Hello Tuesday with a review. i like to begin that i enjoyed the way you used the tales of fable that we have heard as kids and mostly, how the forest in this poem is used as if like a death or something plus there is rhyming happening just it is faint and no seen yet it it heard when being read. Plus i enjoyed the tone of this which could be like a warning to those who enter the forest or something.
i would suggest changing this stanza to something more easier to read such as Yet tragic mishaps happened here. to add more of a understanding rather than having a synonym in the same sentence or making it vague to belief.Nitpick(s):
as goes to this one too. Since i wold suggest changing most of this stanza to Also when Hansel and Gretel killed the witch, whom acted so dearly since for one you didn't capitalize the -h in Hansel and mostly since there wasn't the correct use of punctuation in that stanza too.
i feel like you should make one little correction in this stanza and that would to be change -me to -I, since it could be used for dramatic purpose or just to a rhythm to the poem when being read by the reader.
i feel like you should add -who in front of remember since it could make the reader think or something. (just a suggestion you don't have to follow)
this stanza seems to confuse me a little although at the same time i get it. Like i know we cannot see their faces since they are not really there yet at the same time it gets a little blurry for what you are trying to say (if that makes sense).
i feel like you should delete -Well since it seems like you are saying well this and this happened without even saying what happen. If you leave it without the -Well, it might make the reader wonder wonder what still lives within the forest?
I would change this stanza to You live in caution since it would suspenseful to when the reader would read it also make the reader think of what could possibly go wrong in a forest where wolves lurk and witches live.
Overall, i would say that this poem is a work in progress and most poems go through that type of wonder to them and mostly due to the fact of people reading them, is amazing to everyone who would read this. Also i enjoyed how you used the Old English use of - faeries since it gives it a natural feel for what kind of forest we are going into to.
Farewell,
Tuesday