Published June 7, 2008
i've been asked to help someone write, and i came up with this. the idea is a twin's brother has just died on his way to state for Cross Country. the twin that didn't go to state was jealous and a little angry at his twin. these are his thoughts.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
**************
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I’m torn between wanting to run as far as I can and wanting to never know that feeling again. Never wanting to feel anything again. Nothing but biting winds and the poring rain, each drop like the driving hammer sounding that endless mantra; gone, gone, gone. I want those moments back- who took them away from me? Coward you are that dared! Fooling me into thinking there was no future, nothing existing beyond those few hours. Hours that felt like days, and then turned into mere seconds. If I could, I’d demand you give them back to me. Give him back! He’s all I want! My mind won’t leave me alone! My brother…my brother, please. I’ll give every happy thought, every happy moment I ever had before that day. All you give me is memories.
The metal screeching and screaming made a concerto. A regular blacktop symphony, played again for the thousandth time. I’ve heard it before, like faint music coming from the next room, disregarded and inconsequential. Never did I imagine hearing it in concert, live and constantly resounding. Who in their right mind would? This brings up the question of my mind even being in the right, whatever that means. Would someone in the right feel such jealousy and antagonism towards his or her own brother? Jealousy that trounced the stronger emotions between us, overwhelmed the sacred bond I thought so strong.
You, you fantastic personality! It’s your fault I’m even thinking! I wanted to be numb, unknowing, unaware. Yet these wounds, (his very own reflected in my soul), are raw and aching endlessly. Closing my eyes only brings the darkness closer, pressing me further into the abyss. I am nothing. I am everything. Oh, I inquire of you! Would you press me so for an explanation? I feel so many things! Angst, bitterness, pain, remorse, shock, terror, vulnerability, and yearning. Nothing can stop the piercing emotions from ramming into my skull over and over again. Making me feel alive and as if I am the one dying at the same time. It so kindly lets me sense my brain slowly pulsing, every beat like a blow to the head, as if I’m not in enough pain. Well I am. Please…let me go.
i'm not expecting it to be good, but who knows. all is appreciated.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,396 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Nit-Picks
Ditch that exclamation point.
I didn't really get that. So… he wants to forget memories but that's all it's giving him?
Ditch that 'and' for style.
Ditch 'well.'
Overall Comments
This is actually a pretty strong piece – good job. A little over-the-top, but it makes sense – he's just an odd thinker.
I don't know what happened to his brother, though, and that bothers me. I get that something happened, but after that – nothing. Why'd something happen? Is he angry at the thing that caused it to happen? Maybe he's mad at the doctors for not saving him.
You really need to work on the emotions here. You have the whole 'woe is me!' thing going on, but that's it. Let him yell; let him scream! Let him cry. Let him hit the wall and bleed. His freakin' BROTHER just died – he's going to be emotionally messed up.
So! Imagine losing someone that close. Let yourself cry. Let yourself punch your pillow. Let your heart hurt, and then rewrite this.
PM me for anything.
~JFW1415
An intro to where your piece came from is okay, but please don't feel the need to explain it. Let the piece speak for itself. This piece, while it is well written, does not make the relationship clear, or the fact that the brother is dead. Being vague is fine, but make sure you do it for the right reasons. In this case, being vague is not what you want to do.
Anyway, welcome to the group. We're all out of our minds and I hope you have fun here.
Wow that was alot to take in, but it was really good! Being a twin myself I could never image having lost my brother... with emotions such as jealousy. The way you have describ some of his thoughts and such are absolutely amazing! You're a really great writer! PLEASE pm if you write anything about this!
The above is my absolute favorite!
-yours truely Tiffany