Young Writers Society

I think you need to consider more carefully what it is that you are trying to convey in your poem.

The first line for example,

The night of 18 falling stars
Only 7 more crashed cars.

What does this really add to what you are trying to convey: poetically expressive, imaginative imagery but it is completely irrelevant (seemingly so) to what becomes the main topic that you consider, unrequited love. I would suggest that you either consider cutting this line from the poem altogether, or preferably, work it into the main poem somehow whether it be symbolic (which would require some sort of explanation, "first time I saw him there were 18 stars and 9 cars crashed", so you can make allusions to it) or something more literal and easily described.

Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 10:45 am Post subject: Eighteen Falling Stars
The night of 18 falling stars
Only 7 more crashed cars.
As I'm finding the words
You're running away...
What force on earth
Will make you stay?
And I’m turning my head
Oh- my heart feels like lead.
I can’t say anything around you
I’m not allowed to think about what could be of me and you.
Strictly forbidden to look into your eyes,
Are you afraid that you know you give me butterflies?

Maybe you should consider regularizing the rhythm, it seems like everything is all the place, short lines, longer lines etc. Also, rhyming pattern. Is there a particular reason for the way you have it structured? Sometimes in couplets, sometimes not rhyming and others forms.

There are so many poems around which use this simple, straightforward way of presenting something - without any definite structure or rhyme scheme. You need to choose something else that will either distinguish your poem from others making it original (For an outrageous example, some modernist writer or other structured a piece with a questionnaire halfway through requiring yes no answers) or otherwise use some of the regular conventions with a specific purpose in mind, having a plan as to their effects. That having been said this is better than most.

But I’d travel lengths impossible
To prove to you that I am true.

The use of true here is awkward. This is unrequited love, unrecognized love so the concept of its truth being brought into question seems slightly absurd. It's unrecognized and unwanted (taken from the won't give me the time of day). Why include it? It's very "I'd walk a thousand miles" - good song, but does it suit what your trying to say.

I'm confused as to the resolution of the poem. Are you subtly hinting with the final line

And when I catch you looking at me you look away.

That the love is actually returned though that isn't yet known - It's one of those "if he likes you, he doesn't like to be caught looking at you" things. But if it is, it needs to be more dramatically posed, more obvious in its subtlety, so to speak.

Also, what does that sort of a finish offer to the whole poem? It offers a glimmer of hope that the narrator will get her (or his, I accept it could be either but for ease of writing I'll refer to the narrator as a her) heart's desire. Does the poem however present anything revelatory?

Content, to use a somewhat tired expression, is the lifeblood of a poem. What more is offered on the subject of unrequited love? Take Romeo and Juliet (for the subject of love) for instance, the all time epic generally known, generally liked and something that can be used as a guideline (as can any love story).What does it offer to its reader? It's notably longer so has more time to build its plot-line but it really creates an emotional connection between the reader and what's going on through the presentation of events. I could tell you that I'm seven foot three, it however isn't believable if I don't back it up with something.

You have the lack of acknowledgment, the surreptitious glance/glance away, but it's brief (not that brief is an issue, strength is). Why not offer a glance at why she loves this person? If you would prefer a certain universality - this could be anyone, so it's more appealing - that's fine and good but you need to go about it better. You could start reasons why and trail off having shown nothing in particular, to start up again. Because at the moment it's love but not love I can say is worth giving. For though love may be unconditional, for the person who is in love they can usually point to something, even something stupid and peculiar - but hey, thats love so they say.

Characters. (sorry if I repeat myself). Mainly I'd consider a physical description - again if you prefer a universal appeal you may want to start up and stop, or exploit the various stereotypes ("he might have been a jock", "She had cheerleader pom-poms but never used them" etc)

Otherwise go for the general description - or just something in particular that may seem absurd but creates a connection and an actual picture of the beloved.

Symbols - I mentioned the stars and cars earlier, It is a lovely opening line. Work it in somehow so it has meaning.

Themes: You have unrequited love, you may want to focus on some particular aspect of it make it more meaningful and specific.

Rhyme: Works at times, but consider meaning first rhyme second and if you go with rhyme, rhythm could be useful from the point of view of creating a good flow and making the rhymes look and feel less artificial.

I'm sorry to ramble on a perhaps seem a bit harsh - but there are a thousand and one poems that creep up which are similar to this (though unrequited love is a somewhat less used theme) so originality is so important. Yours is better than most but there is much that can be done and hopefully I can help.