
Hello this may be my entry for a contest called Winter Romance. This is my first attempt to write a romance so any pointers would be nice. Yes I also know that there is hardly any romance in the first part. It is hard for me to right about stuff like this since I have no experience in the lovey-dovey department. Anyway here goes.
Part one-
Voices echoed through the trees. They were calling out bravely against the wind for the young girl who was lost in the harsh weather. The frozen wind tore through his seven layers of clothing letting the bitter cold wrap icy fingers around him. He stopped to listen, trying to pick up a voice carried by the wind. But no. All that could be heard were the yips and barks from his dog sledding team and the chinking of ice covered tree limbs as they were slammed around by the wind. It only slightly disturbed him that he could no longer hear the calls of other searchers.
A glance at his watch told him that her time was growing short if she was not already dead. Three hours had flown past since the discovery of a wrecked car that was registered to a young woman. He remembered being called late that afternoon by one of his buddies on the search and rescue. Pulling up to the wreck had tugged at his heart, especially after overhearing the police officers. Nineteen years old, they said to each other shaking heads sadly, as though she were already dead. Nineteen, that’s how old Abby would be if she was still here, he thought. Looks like she swerved to miss something … flipped the rig three times. Was their conclusion as they examined the skid marks on the highway.
Paul good to see you…it’s been awhile…how’ ya been doin? They asked him as he studied the tracks where she had pulled herself out of the car and drug herself a few feet. She had lain in that spot awhile. The sharp contrast of red blood on the sparkling snow had made his stomach turn.
Now he trudged up one of the many snow covered mountains. It was treacherous on the icy slopes but the man knew exactly how to place his feet and how to survive in the freezing wasteland. His name was Paul Sanders, and he had lived in the place his whole twenty three years. Breathtakingly beautiful. Extraordinarily deadly.
He watched his breath roll out in a fog like cloud as he paused looking out over the landscape. Night was falling quickly and clouds filled with snow stretched across the horizon. A blizzard was on the way he could feel it in the air. So could the animals, they’d been preparing for days now, getting ready to hole up and ride it out. Paul had been doing the same thing before the call. He was the best tracker around for miles though. That’s why he was up here while all the others were doing who knows what. He’d found the tracks, found the blood, and broken limbs for what seemed like forever. The girl had wondered way further than anyone would have expected in her condition.
Though since the wind had picked up he’d been wandering blind because of the snow covering her tracks. Keeping an eye on the storm he hurried as fast as was possible through the calf deep snow.
That’s when he saw it.
A remarkably small piece of dark green.
It was a long scarf and clutching it was a slender long fingered hand. Gently he touched two fingers to her throat trying to find a pulse. At first there was nothing, and then miraculously he found a very light heart beat. Exceptionally easy he rolled her over. He glanced down and saw that there was blood on her shirt and stomach. When he looked at her face he very nearly went into shock. Because lying there in his arms, in all her dark haired angelic beauty, was his ex-girl friend. Abigail Weston, the girl he’d loved since a child, who had disappeared two years ago. Dying in his arms. Just his luck that it began to snow heavily when he lifted Abby up placing her protectively against his chest. She couldn’t die until he knew the truth.
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Canary word: Present
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there rustic_rebel. I’m sorry that this took soooo long but I also figured I’d let you know that you received third place in the contest. Claim your prize by PM if you wish!
I was really confused here when it transitioned from girl to boy. You’d want to clear this up.
This is just a weak, jerky interruption. A phrase more like “there was nothing” is long enough that it won’t seem quiet so abrupt but it’s still short enough to give the affect I’m assuming you were going after.
“that” should come at the beginning of the sentence. Otherwise this sentence lacks a subject.
Italics or quotation marks would help set this off.
Usually when a gerund or a noun comes before the word ‘like’ this way then it’s hyphenated.
Plot
This is very abrupt and short. Even if I put a 3000 word limit on the contest, you can make it seem longer. Sometimes, using tricks like metaphors and such can cut down the amount of description that you need to use so that you can put more action, movement, and back story.
Characters
Paul seems a bit flat. He just feels very mechanical. There isn’t a whole lot else I can say about him except that you could give him a little more emotion, how he feels about this crash.
One Last Question
If they knew how old she was, why didn’t he know who she was? Try not to leave questions like that unanswered.
I'd like to see some more thoughts from Paul, and maybe know some of his backstory. Is he annoyed at having to go out into the cold to find this girl that's gone missing, or is he genuinely worried?
I also found there wasn't a real sense of urgency here. He's searching for her, but then there's a bit about the wrecked car earlier. A bit about him having lived there for 23 years. These things should be put in chronological order and/or stripped out to snappy it up a bit. Also, try putting in some shorter sentences and paragraphs to make it more interesting and quicken the pace. There was a lot of description that I skipped over because of repetitive sentence lengths. It has the effect of lulling the reader. Don't let this happen.
What emotions is he feeling. Is he scared? Pissed off? Is he edgy? Maybe jumping at sounds. Do you want to make a point of how confident he is by not having him jump at sounds? If so, he needs a character flaw that puts him out of his depth. Good stories are about characters out of their comfort zones. If he's a super tracker and he's tracking, then there's no tension.
The twist at the end was nice. You foreshadowed it before when he thought about his ex. Put that foreshadowing front and centre. Give it its own line. Repetition maybe. Don't let the reader skim it because it's a couple of long sentences amongst a sea of long sentences. Variation is so important for highlighting certain things, as well as pacing, as well as generally making it more interesting.
Sorry if this wasn't my best. This reviewing bash is wearing me out, but I'll soldier on. Best of luck.
#FF0000 ">Nineteen, that’s how old Abby would be if she was still here, he thought. 'Looks like she swerved to miss something … flipped the rig three times', was the investegator's conclusion as he/she examined the skid marks on the highway.
If you don't want to change it, perhaps make the difference between the two speeches more prominent.
There should be a comma after storm.
Otherwise, GREAT!! I loved how it turned out to be his childhood friend- the reader never sees it comign!
*TAy*