Published September 26, 2008
I hadn't really consciously realized that we were standing in a river, nor did I care at this point. For the first time since I had spotted him, I looked away. I bit my lip, trying to mask the ridiculous smile that was attempting to copy his extraordinary one. Something soft and warm gently slid over the edges of my palms and fit itself in the space between my fingers. I looked down at my hand to see another lightly clutching it. Our other free hands copied this. I quickly, but smoothly darted my head back up so I could once again see his face. He was smiling, but not with his mouth. His eyes were soft and them my body began to feel the same. Those gorgeous eyes were melting me from the inside out. He leaned his face in closer to mine so that our foreheads lightly pressed together. I'm sure this would have looked rather obscure from another persons view, but I really didn't care if anyone else saw. We could have been in the middle of a busy street and I wouldn't care if anyone saw. I was happy here, euphoric, rather, that I was with this stranger that I could almost call a dear friend.
I was suddenly aware of his hands again as he stroked his thumb up and down the side of my hand. Then, as if together on a stage, performing our parts and getting our cues right, we each released the hold on one side of the tangle of fingers, he pulled his head back away from mine and we faced downstream. We slowly walked hand in hand down the river.
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141,617 Literary Works • 675,170 Reviews
It should have a comma after "soft" and correct "them" to "then." Even still, "then my body began to feel the same," is more or less a blunt way of bypassing detail. Don't use those types of ...... I don't know what to call them. Just describe a bit what the narrator is really feeling.
Change the comma usage to dashes. "I was happy here - euphoric, rather - that I ......." It looks better and shows that you pause. Having all those commas together is a little distracting to the eye.
Overall, this is really well written, and I enjoy it. I fail to believe it's validity though. I don't see how two strangers can just meet in a river and then immediately fall in love, become best friends, and walk off happily holding hands. Lol, if this was a dream sequence, I say it's awesome.
It's still awesome though
I agree with Gilmore that this is well-done, in a way. You have a way with language and I think you did quite a nice job in every technical sense.
This is short so it doesn't really need the in-depth reviews I often give. But I still have a few comments.
The content seems lost. I can see this fitting nicely at the end of something extraordinary, but it is almost ridiculous as a beginning. This kind of sweet, simple romance can be very effective, AFTER the reader has gotten to know and love the characters. But I was perfectly bored by the plot because there wasn't one.
The characters are also flat. For something short like this you would need to show how the characters were different from the cliches that romance has created. The shy, insecurity of the girl and the aesthetic draw of the boy are both very, very overused.
Try to ask yourself questions about the characters. It will help.
I congratulate you on your way with words, you have very nice structure and a solid vocabulary. I can tell you've practiced plenty and that you don't take writing lightly. I honestly think this could be a part of a very good story. It just got somehow misplaced. ^_^
Good luck with this and feel free to PM me if you have an questions.
Woo! This is really good. I'm easily addicted to such things so I demand you write more, for my life depends on it. No, not really. But you should definitely continue with this. :]
I didn't really find any grammatical/spelling errors, but this was a tad confusing:
I'm guessing they held hands with their other hands, but I wasn't too sure. I don't think you need to reword it, maybe just add a few words to the end of it.
Two things:
1. "release" needs to be "released." Keep with the past tense.
2. "down stream" is "downstream"
Again, woo! I'm extremely excited for this. Tremendous work!
~Carleeeeeee