I agree with bubblewrapped, if you were simply writing this piece for your own creative enjoyment, I think you would have had less problems with it's rigidity. It's a gripping and smouldering topic, but it's delivering is rather stitled. The reader wants to read a story which is as fluid as possible. In the hope that I'm not harping on about anything, I simply had to leave a review for this. It was so original.
My favourite line was the first one. It immediately raises the alarm of menace.
Peter sat quietly hoping that Peter was the only one home.
If you had simply said Peter hoped that 'he' was the only one home, we wouldn't suspect anything. The repetition of his name was truly fantastic.
Creatively, this piece is very strong. You use a third person perspective to it's full advantage, and the names are spot on- Wolfgang Gray strikes me with dread. I can relate to Peter. Your vocabulary is definately wide, so top marks for that too! This stanza was good:
Peter’s head hurt, from what ghoulish Wolfgang did last;
Forcing him to bludgeon himself with a wooden bat.
Peter was morbidly mental and Peter knew it.
But Wolfgang took control, and his body, he used it.
What I would suggest is to watch your rhyming. I am in no way affilated with the rhyming police- those people who say, in S4 your 'seat' didn't rhyme fully with 'retreat', but all the same, just watch it. Don't let it consume a piece. If you feel like using it but you know it will cause you problems, use it in every second line to give yourself more freedom.
You showed very well in this. It was subetly vulgar in places were it needed to be. I would watch, as bubblewrapped said- about dragging it out in places. Less is definately more in a thrilling piece like this.
Anyway, well done- and keep writing!
Eimear.
Points: 1075
Reviews: 344
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