Sarah, why won't you?
Sarah, please stay.
Just 'cause you see it,
doesn't mean you need to go away.
Turn around, dear Sarah,
please come back to me.
The bask of the light shouldn't be
the only thing you feel.
Can you hear all of us?
Your loved ones are here.
We're holding your hand,
praying so we'll hold you back.
Don't go, dear Sarah.
Don't shed that tear.
It's not over,
it can't be.
We just started the year.
He can't take you from us,
He shouldn't even try.
Why do you sigh, Sarah?
Why do you cry?
I know I'm being selfish,
I see the pain you're in.
But it can be over,
without you meeting Him.
Turn around, dear Sarah,
don't walk into the light.
You'll leave all of us
an emptiness inside.
The sound fills our ears,
that high-pitched shrill.
The sound in a hospital
that no one wants to hear.
You're gone from this world, Sarah.
I know I should be glad.
You're in a better place,
but is that really true?
It's just what people say.
I try to be strong,
and wipe away these tears,
but in my heart,
there's a sickness.
Why didn't you listen?
You didn't turn back.
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140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
This is really sweet but I don't quite feel any emotion. :S
x
Keep writng
-K xxx
I'm sorry that it was a really short and terrible review
I merely skimmed through this, it seems like your writing about someone named Sara and you seem upset. But I don't see the emotions, you say you cry and your hurt but thats all. Nothing more, nothing less. You could rewrite a few parts to go into detail about how you feel. Hope I helped a little. Keep Writing.
-Kit
Hey rubberduck,
This is pretty simple, pretty uninteresting, and pretty limited. There's a lot of questions in this work and barely any answers, so I almost came out of it knowing less than when I came in. I wish Sarah would just come in and explain half of it after you asked the ninth time. There's also just not a lot to this -- it's skin and bones and there's no meat. There's a lot of repetition of things and similar lines, very little variety or originality. The questions are the real problem though. Like lots of things in poetry, overusing something kills the poem. And believe me, you asked too many questions.
Hey rubberduck
Must say this poem did nothing to me at all, which is definitely Not Good when you think about what you're trying to show us.
The main problem is that you're not putting any feelings in the words; they read as very bland and stale, and completely fail at letting the grief/melancholia that should be here shine through. There just aren't any good images, and the tone falls flat: it's very monotonous, reads perfunctorily, almost by-rote.
The feelings should be the main thing to work on here; the style itself is a bit meh, but it can wait to be fixed until after you've done something to make the reader empathize with the narrator's plight.
Yay a poem! I'm no good at poems but I'll try to review this one.
The one thing that struck me about this poem is that though you're writing from the point of view of someone mourning Sarah's death, I hardly felt any emotion. It's almost as if this was a portrait of sadness but not quite sadness. It's too straightforward and blunt. It's good in that I can roughly grasp the story behind this, but you should work on subtlety. Using less words to describe more.
Looking forward to reading more from you.