Weren't you gonna go to sleep now?
You know mum worries.
You know doc is worried, they're all worried.
Well they shouldn't be.
Then don't give them a reason to be.
GO TO SLEEP
I would if I could.
You're pathetic you know that.
Iv known that since I was ten
I HATE YOU.
Join the club
I WISH YOU WERE DEAD
Same.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I liked the beginning a lot. It's relatable. I also like the format, how it's a conversation with herself, but it's two different parts of her. It's the depression me her conflicting.
I was wondering if when it said
"You know doc worried they're all worried"
If maybe it sounded better as
"You know doc worries, they all worry"
Or if it was
"You know doc is worried, they're all worried"
To me it just seems a bit confusing on how you're trying to portray that line. You seem like you change tenses from the previous line.
And also the line where it says
"I known that since I was ten"
I thought maybe you meant "I've".
Those were just some things I picked out but overall I really liked the reality of your poem.
hi. i like your poem. i am not good in writing reviews. i like the total poem . the thought of the poem is very nice . i like the starting:
Weren't you gonna go to sleep now
you know mum worried
you know doc worried they're all worried
and also like the finishing:
I known that since I was ten
I HATE YOU
join the club
I WISH YOU WERE DEAD
same.
overall the poem is beautiful.i like your imagination and though.
so keep writing like this......
Hey thank you so much means alof.
Hello there. I guess this is like the first time you have posted something on here, right? And I hope you know how things really go around here. Anyway, you can message me if you need anything. I shall be glad to help you out.
I am really sorry if I sound a bit harsh to you. I will try to pick those points I think lack or are not of a really good quality; and that all would be what I think so you can simply ignore my thinking. haha
- Failing to use the punctuation.
I cannot even quote anything specific because there was just no question marks, no periods/full stops, or anything. May I ask why?
To be honest, it was a bit confusing; for example, have a look at the first sentences of this poem:
There should be a question mark, right? Your poem left me confused here because of the lesser/no use of punctuation.
Did you want to say "You know mum is/was/will be worried?"
And the use of the abbreviation of doc! That was not really a good idea, to be honest. Doc, where I live, means documents. lol
Try not to abbreviate the words in your poetry.
Overall, the idea was good but I really would want you to add more depth to it and write it in a better way. Good luck and don't ever hesitate to message me if you need help.
Keep writing.
Hey thank you so much for the advice I see where I went wrong I totally agree with my lack of punctuation and spelling I get right on to that.
I'm actually proud of this.