Young Writers Society

Hello!

Wow, this was really... interesting. I can't find much to say since Others have beaten me to it, but all I can comment on is:

stuff me in a car and rape me over and over.

As much as I liked this it was to short. I prefer things long...
*random comment* I have a big brother named Ethan...

ST

Ah I liked this.
Not sure I like Toby though.
Am I meant to?
Does he feel too sort for himself?
What place is he in right now?
Any friends?

Hmmm


x

u are SO much braver than me! i think Yaoi and Yuri stories are awsome, but i don't have the guts to write them myself. but, anyway...

Your writing style is short, sweet, and to the point. You get across what you ant to say right off, making for a short read. That can be perfect if you want to keep it short, but for a book or a novel....paragraphs, paragraphs, paragraphs. ///-/// the part about raping him and enjoying it was kinda grody though...

really good story though.

Hey,
Good work on this piece. These are the kinds of stories that i like reading. I have only read the first chapter but i'm going to read the other five too. This character is very interesting.

I did notice one thing that i would change:

Even if you’re lucky enough to be single, you still get cheesy valentine’s cards that say things like ‘Happy Valentine’s Day.’

You're my first story review, feel honored! Kidding!

Sweet start. I like Toby's rough personality...some what. Occasionally he comes off as this ultimate hater with all his bickering and complaints, he's so darn dramatic, but hey that kind of makes it furnehhh. ^^

"You could pick me up with one hand, stuff me in a car and rape me over and over."

Lol, hilariously morbid. XD

Alright, now to chapter two! * soars across the page in a pink cape*

Well, it seems that everyone else has gotten here before I did...=p So...I don't know if this is going to help or not, but I'm going to give it a shot.

Double space. It will be easier to read. XD

I didn't see any errors. It was good. XD Keep writing.

First off, space out your paragraphs next time. All I saw was a huge block of text, and I wasn't at all thrilled to want to read it. I did the spacing for you now, but next time, remember it. Now to actually read it:

roxythekiller wrote:Valentine’s day is my least favorite holiday. You know why? Because it sucks, that’s why.

People buy presents that they have to give each other, and you have to buy them something in return or they get pissed off. Even if you’re lucky enough to be single, you still get cheesy valentine’s cards that say things like ‘Happy Valentine’s Day.’

I’d like to take some of that happy and stuff it up your ass, Mr. Teddybear-who-is-smirking-back-at-me. Actually, this isn’t even my overpriced satin teddy bear. I stole it. Yes, that’s right, I get a kick out of stealing-- I’m a kleptomaniac. In fact, if someone wanted to give me a cheesy valentine, it would say ‘You stole a lot of things, and my heart is one of them.’

My name is Toby. I’m sixteen years old, and there’s nothing sweet about it.

For one, I have pasty skin. I don’t play sports because I never make the cut… no one wants me on their team. But it’s their loss anyway… I’m a hard worker and I’d be great to train with. I just suck at a lot of sports because I’m short.

I don't play sports, because I never make the cut. No one wants me on their team, but it's their loss anyway. I'm a hard worker...

It’s not my fault I’m short. I’m 5”2 and like 110 pounds. You could pick me up with one hand, stuff me in a car and rape me over and over.

I would probably enjoy it, while I’m threatening to cut your dick off while you sleep.

That’s me, undersexed and over-horny. I’m not a geek, though. Geeks don’t like me because I’m not ugly enough. Actually, people tell me I look like my mom, which is sort of true.

I have dirty blond hair and brown eyes, but online I always tell everyone they’re honey-colored. Honey is the same as brown, but no one thinks poop is honey-colored. No. Poop is brown. Like this teddy bear’s eyes.

Why DO teddy bears have those soulless brown eyes? Why not something cute? Like blue?

Brown is cheaper. And that’s why I really want contacts for my birthday.
I should be in my sixth period art class, but first I have to hide this bear. It belongs to this guy in my class, Ethan. I found it in his locker, and stole it while he was talking to someone.

I can’t stand him, he deserved it. He’s a prep, that’s why. He’s on the swim team, debate team, and was Homecoming King this year. If you ever want to make a porn movie about spanking, he would be the brat-du-jour. In fact, he’s probably going to give this bear to that chick he likes --- Tiffany. They would make a great couple, too, because they’re both equally
annoying.

Hey, Roxy!

Welcome to the site. ^_^ This was a rather cool piece- your main character is easy to relate to and it's a simple read. Simple reading sounds more of a burn than a compliment, but trust me, too many people think it's cool to overcomplicate their writing and overcomplicate my brain into exhaustion in the process. -_-

Let's get to the critique, shall we?

PICK A CHICK! ...ER, RATHER, A CHARACTER:

Think of writing fiction characters as one of those cheesy, old-fashioned dating shows.

"And here we have our handsome young bachelor, Toby, who enjoys saving babies from flaming buildings and baking creme brulèe in his spare time..."

Your story is a bit like this, at the moment:

"And here we have our wretched short poo-color eyed boy, Toby, who hates Valentines' day and would like to castrate you..."

Which one would make a better character? Probably the latter. But if you were the blonde bombshell who got to choose, would you pick him? Probably not.

You get the idea. Basically: you want a love fest between your readers and your characters. [DISCLAIMER: You do not want a Mary Sue factory to crop up, though. Tread carefully.]

How do you do this? You've got to have a likeable character, or at least a pitiable character. Passive characters are perfect for this. Passive characters make cute doormats- they're not the most fun characters to write for, unless you write them well. However, an opinionated character can get annoying. Really, really annoying. Why?

With every opinion surfaced, you run the risk of someone disagreeing with you. I read a story awhile ago wherein the story's narrator dissed Hello Kitty...I was none to pleased with that character, but the author managed to redeem her in the end. XD

The disagreement in your story starts with the title. Personally, the idea of Valentine's day is materialistic and shallow to me, but I'm somehow delighted by the possibility that some fellow would buy useless things for me simply to prove his love. Most girls are. Read: most effeminate characters are. And the fact Toby might put my gifts of love in an uncomfortable place isn't exactly appealing to me.

Oh, okay. So your character really does hate Valentine's day. Why? Why are they not secretly drawn to the thrill of receiving something fuzzy and/or rose-like? Was there a traumatic childhood incident?

Explanation usually goes a long way to making opinionated characters more lovable.

A side note: if you're writing in first person, don't threaten the audience. XD That's kind of a no-no, if you want to keep the romance alive between your main character and your readers.

How else can you make your characters more accessible? Don't make them Barbie dolls, but don't make them completely wretched. That is, if there's a major flaw in your character- for instance, Toby's kleptomania- you need to offset it with something positive.

You might say, "But I can't do that! That would make him just another stupid prep!" Ha, wrong. Even the most messed-up among us have good things that happen to us- no one's life is completely horrid.

I personally have a thing for pitiable characters, which is a good alternative for happy-happy characters, but it's kind of a learned process. How do you make us feel for your character?

ANGSTANGSTANGST

I just finished NaNoWriMo, and became absolutely smitten with the Angst Machine that is Carl Malloy.

He glanced over at Carl and noticed the smelly pine tree somewhat hidden between Carl's knees. He laughed and reached over, resting his wrist on Carl's leg momentarily between tying it back up onto the rearview mirror. It wasn't entirely unpleasant.

And then the rearview mirror snapped, falling down between Todd's arms onto the dashboard. It left little spiderwebs of yellowed glue in its wake.

"You're a complete jinx, man."

Carl nodded soberly. "My life sucks a little, sometimes."

If his mind had been a Pervert Thought factory, it would have been one of the ones he had seen in history textbooks from the bygone days of of East Coast coal production- with hundreds of workers, its smokestacks belching out thick carbon emissions at unbelievable rates.

He tried to enjoy his lighthearted racetrack comedy, but could not. He focused instead on twiddling his thumbs.

Todd was chewing. Todd, Carl was certain, was enjoying his lighthearted racetrack comedy. There was a certain injustice here; that Todd should have control of his wanton sexuality and Carl didn't.

Carl reached over Todd in a very careful manner, in a manner completely devised to avoid awkward tripping or accidental groping- which his hands had an inhuman longing to do- and take a cookie from the pile. He put it into his mouth and chewed angrily.

Chewing was supposed to burn calories. It said so in Cosmo.

He crossed his legs and uncrossed them. He reached over for another cookie. Todd sat still, his eyes never wandering from the screen.

Carl was about to reach over Todd again when Todd stopped him by putting his hand on his thigh. "Dude," he said, laughing. "Sit still."

Wow...that's very interesting. I hope you rate this PG-13. I hope you truly don't feel like this, or actually went through that...

Hmm, interesting.

Definately change the rating! This shouldn't be pg with the mention of rape, sex, dicks.

I loved the part about the eyes, though. "Honey coloured" was a pretty cute lie. And the teddy bears eyes being soulless.

There seem to be lots of places where you could indicate a paragraph with spaces, though.

My name is Toby. I’m sixteen years old, and there’s nothing sweet about it.
For one, I have pasty skin. I don’t play sports because I never make the cut… no one wants me on their team. But it’s their loss anyway… I’m a hard worker and I’d be great to train with. I just suck at a lot of sports because I’m short.
It’s not my fault I’m short. I’m 5”2 and like 110 pounds. You could pick me up with one hand, stuff me in a car and rape me over and over.
I would probably enjoy it, while I’m threatening to cut your dick off while you sleep.
That’s me, undersexed and over-horny. I’m not a geek, though. Geeks don’t like me because I’m not ugly enough. Actually, people tell me I look like my mom, which is sort of true.

My name is Toby. I’m sixteen years old, and there’s nothing sweet about it.

For one, I have pasty skin. I don’t play sports because I never make the cut… no one wants me on their team. But it’s their loss anyway… I’m a hard worker and I’d be great to train with. I just suck at a lot of sports because I’m short.

It’s not my fault I’m short. I’m 5”2 and like 110 pounds. You could pick me up with one hand, stuff me in a car and rape me over and over.

I would probably enjoy it, while I’m threatening to cut your dick off while you sleep.

That’s me, undersexed and over-horny. I’m not a geek, though. Geeks don’t like me because I’m not ugly enough. Actually, people tell me I look like my mom, which is sort of true.

Wow. Kleptomaniac is right! I really like this piece, as I am weird myself. Good work! PM me too! Please critique any of my work that you wish. Thanks!
~Monki

Nice work but I would advise you to rate this PG 13 or something because it has sexual content.
This dude is funny. He has got a strange way of thinking and is unique. I think you could do allot with this.
You could develop his character more and get into a plot of some-kind.
Keep going! And PM me once you have written more I look forwards to reading more of it!

Over all I really like this little peace and I think you should keep going with it

-Good Luck!
Genevieve
xxx