Thank you one and all! I will make changes as soon as I have a little spare time, it's a little hectic around here right now!
~ Roon
Okay, so I've taken this away and worked on it, hopefully it's better now, I've changed it quite a lot, so hopefully it will be... Well, better! Thank you for your time! Okay, so further changes have been made, so thank you to my lovely reviewers! I know nothing is ever perfect, but unless there is something drastically wrong, I think I should move onto Chapter one, do you?
Prologue:
In the times that followed the Purges, all Mages lived in fear. They spent their lives in hiding, rarely did groups meet, and when they did an awkward understanding passed between them, then they went their separate ways. Hidden in the Inner City, that was now all but a wasteland, they began to fade from memory. But they lived on, the eldest beginning to go mad after the years of longing to weave their spells. An aching muscle that is finally lost, consuming them. They did not live, they survived. They hid from society, the Administration, and the desire to conform. This was no life for such beings. In times of peace they had been arrogant and controlling, but now, they were mere shells of what they had been. And so Mortals came to believe that the world was better off without them.
The Inner City had once been grand and beautiful, a triumph of modern architecture. Now it lay in ruins. A desolate expanse of land, littered occasionally with structures that hadn’t been totally wrecked. Shelter from the wind and rain were a rarity. Territories were established soon after the destruction of the Purges, animal-like behaviour erupted. Out of the chaos, a hierarchy rose up order would never be totally re-established, but this was the closest they had to peace. No one wanted to jeopardise that with petty squabbles, and return to the days of the Purges. If they drew attention to themselves, it could be catastrophic. The Administration would not hesitate to strike.
The air was filled with urgency as a cloaked stranger ran down a deserted street. She stopped for breath and surveyed her surroundings. The war ravaged battleground that had once been the home of the Mages met her eyes. They still lived there, but it had been decades since they had truly called it home. She reached down for a piece of parchment, blown towards her by the wind, which was whispering its secrets through the city. The young lady did not remember the Purges, she was born thirteen years after they had seemed to stop, thirteen years after the last Mage was killed. There was no explanation as to why they stopped, or indeed why they started. People speculated, but they could never be sure. Her heart skipped a beat as she skimmed over the contents of the page. It was the news bulletin. Tayan Gyara has been captured. Labelled an enemy of the state, he had gone missing a few days earlier.
Before the Purges, the Mages, for the most part, had been proud. Some said they were undeserving, they kept their skills to themselves, never allowing Mortals to feel the effects unless their services were paid for in some way. They considered themselves above even the most wealthy or noble Mortals. The King himself had been looked upon with scorn. Now of course the Administration ruled all walks of life. The king had been usurped and Nobles were stripped of their titles and material possessions.
The young lady running through the street was astonishingly beautiful. Her wispy grey-blue hair wound itself around her, glistening in the moonlight. She had pale skin and a perfect, porcelain complexion. Her eyes were the most incredible thing about her face, they seemed to engulf the viewers mind. Deep and grey, they truly reflected her calm, serene manner. As well as the black cloak she wore a thin navy-blue dress, perfect for the summer afternoons she spent wandering through the growing forest, which had been burned to the ground during the Purges, but was now restoring itself to the glory it had once known. She looked angelic to behold, mystical, mysterious, but now frightened.
She was a rather timid creature, who seemed unable to do harm to anything. She had been taught respect from an early age. She had witnessed more atrocities during her 18 years, than most people would see in their lives. Her father had beaten her mother in front of her, every time she crossed him. She had wanted to keep Allysia; hidden her away. Her father disagreed, he had wanted a son. When it came to leaving her little girl, Allysia’s mother Irene had sobbed for days, her father had tried to silence her soft moans, but she had been lost to the world for that first week. After that, she had never been the same, an empty shell of a being, she felt a failure as a mother, as a person. The years would not change her feelings. Six years after they had abandoned their daughter the mother was unable to leave the house. She just sat, watching the door on her chair in the darkened corner, waiting.
Allysia had also seen riots and fires, in which many Mages had been killed by Mortals. They could have fought back, but they would not use their magic. She had seen her own people turn against each other, fights had broken out between rival Clans. It hadn’t happened in years, but Allysia was always wary. The Clans had disappeared, and the peace they had craved seemed within reaching distance now. Allysia was a student of Kyranon, who surpassed all others in terms of respect. But his students, Allysia and Tayan, did not wield the mighty power of such a name yet, and so had to be cautious.
Allysia had been abandoned at the perimeters of the Inner City. She had been so afraid that day, hidden behind a tree stump in the Grand Park. She remembered clinging to its rough bark, wishing that she had stumbled into a dream. She hadn’t. Kyranon had found her, three days after she was left wandering through a deserted Sector. Her stomach was crying out for food, and her lips, parched, begged to be hydrated. She could still remember that first meal with the Mages. It wasn’t anything that would normally impress, but still she melted when she began to smell that stew. Ravenous, she had shovelled food into her mouth, as though it would get away, moaning with satisfaction.
Her eyes widened as she drifted out of her memories and back to the parchment she held. She began to run again, faster than she’d ever run before, until she found her destination. Her eyes were blurred with tears and desperation. She had dreaded this moment. She looked at the news bulletin in her shaking hands. This could signal not only the end of her peoples struggle, but the end of her people. She looked into the eyes of the picture of the man on the parchment. She knew him well. She may even have loved him well, had she been given the chance.
“Tay,” she whispered. “I‘m coming Tay.”
She uttered something under her breath, the night itself seemed to wonder upon her presence. The rotting door seemed an anticlimax, when one considers the mystery of the cloak and the urgency of the girl‘s manner. Nevertheless the door held secrets of its own. Despite its appearances, behind that door was the safest place for the Mage to be. Slowly the young woman looked down at the ornate door knob which seemed, now it had been noticed, to demand attention. A single pair of eyes caressed the swirls and the beauty of this entrancing object.
The low moan of the hinges signalled a momentous arrival. The room was small. The wooden-clad walls were beginning to rot and the chairs were crooked and riddled with woodworm, as were the beams and the floorboards. There were signs that this had once been a fine house, however after the Administrations first attempt to destroy magic in humans, everything in the Inner City had been destroyed. Now it was inconspicuous, and therefore perfect.
“Kyranon!” she yelled “Kyranon!”
“What is it child?” the old Mage replied, sensing her fear. His bright blue eyes shone with concern and fear. He was bald, and his wrinkled head bore many scars, which told tales of fearsome battles that would have killed a mere Mortal. Kyranon was old, but he was stronger than he appeared. He was one of the most powerful Mages that ever lived. The power he held within his frail body could easily consume him. But he held a terrifying control over his supernatural abilities, even after all these years. His spells themselves respected him, whispering secrets and support to him when he needed it the most.
“It‘s happening again! The Administration has been sending these out.” She handed over the piece of parchment, a silent tear running down her cheek. “They‘re going to kill us all this time!”
“I know.”
“Then do something!” she demanded.
“You must gather the free Mages.”
“Me? They will listen to you! I am but a child to them.”
“They will be afraid, you must convince them…”
“No! I can’t, you don’t understand! They will not be led by a child!” he seemed not to hear. “Kyranon, they have Tayan…” once again he seemed not to hear. Tayan had been Kyranon’s other student. She began to wonder if he would have cared had it been her.
He walked to a small desk in the middle of the room. The furniture was strewn across the floor along with parchment and clothes. The place was dirty, it was kept in the state that it was in after the Purges. Kyranon said this was because it would draw less attention should someone search the place, but his student had other ideas as to why it was kept so. She looked down to the bloodstain on the floor by the wall. In the attack no Mage had been killed, but Kyranon’s Mortal wife.
From the draw in the desk he pulled out a small locket on a chain.
“I want you to take this…” said the old man that stood before her “When the time is right, it will open.” Handing over the jewellery, a look of regret stole over his face. “Allysia… good luck.” He seemed as though he was about to say something else, but decided against it. Allysia was surprised, he had never used her name before, only referring to her as his student, or as a child. In that moment, she looked into his eyes, and saw that he was old. Another tear crept down her cheek. She bowed her head slightly as she murmured the only words she could manage.
“Yes master.” She pondered upon the meaning of the strange bracelet for a while, but knew better than to try to guess at what Kyranon’s actions meant after all these years. Instead she began to wonder why it was she that had been chosen to lead his mission.
“Why me? Why can‘t you do it? I’m not ready to lead anyone.”
“Allysia, you are the only one who can save our people, because you are not one of us.”
“What do you mean?” she faltered.
“What I say.” he sighed.
“If I‘m not one of you, then what do you suppose I am?” she said, angrily. She did not believe what she was hearing.
“You are the last of the Siren. The mystical beings who can initiate War.”
“W-what? I‘ve never heard of such a thing. Mortals go to war all the time.”
“You misunderstand me when I say War. I‘m not sure of what it entails myself. You must travel, with the Mages, to see Lykaria and, more importantly, the Elders. I have been trying to look at what your future holds, but my view is blocked. You promised me that you would fulfil me any task, I ask that it would be this one. We will all be killed if you don‘t do this, either way you risk your life.” he was rambling, Allysia had never heard him like this, he was always calm and poised, now he was using emotional blackmail, Allysia knew there was something terribly wrong.
“You‘re asking me to give up my life.” she stated.
“No. I’m asking you to risk it. If I had any alternative, I would not let you go. You were my best student. The only one who will ever surpass me in skill and wisdom. I…”
“I know. Master I will grant you your request, but I would ask you to accompany me on this journey.”
“I… I will meet you at the Ruins at sunrise tomorrow. Gather our people.”
“You mean your people…” she said quietly, a silent tear carving its way down her cheek.
__________________________
Again, thank you for your time!
Thank you one and all! I will make changes as soon as I have a little spare time, it's a little hectic around here right now!
~ Roon
Just one thing; I don't know if the extra information you're giving us is important to the storyline, but it seems like a lot of the info is unneeded and it kind of slows the story down, for me anyway. But other than that, brilliant! Thumbs up!
Hello roon, fancy seeing you here ^^!
I'm going to jump straight in to a review now, so here goes.
The first thing that I spotted was this:
I think something like 'The muscle that aches to be used, consumes them.' would perhaps be better?An aching muscle that is finally lost, consuming them.
however I don't think thatA desolate expanse of land
quite does it justice.littered occasionally with structures that hadn’t been totally wrecked.
a hierarchy rose up order would never be totally re-established
which was whispering its secrets through the city.
thirteen years after the last Mage was killed.
If someone was looking at her I don't think they would be a viewer, an onlooker maybe? I'm not sure.they seemed to engulf the viewers mind.
I think you should remove 'of the picture' and if necessary change it to; 'She looked into the eyes of the man pictured on the parchment.'She looked into the eyes of the picture of the man on the parchment.
the night itself seemed to wonder upon her presence.
Right, I've made further changes, if there is anything else that needs doing please let me know, but I may not be able to change it very quickly as I have a tonne of things to do, and I want to get started on Chapter One! I would also really appreciate any ideas for names?
~ Roon
I loved the story it really grabs your interest. I do however have a few issues with it, well one in particular. You told how everything happened to Allysia and mention Tay and yet if Tay's important to her than why not describe what happened to him and how he ended up where he is? You don't have to go into deep detail, but just a quick run through so the reader understand more clearly what is going on. Maybe you planned on doing that, I don't know. Other than that one little thing I really enjoyed it.
Prologue:
In the times that followed the Purges, all Mages lived in fear. They spent their lives in hiding, rarely did groups meet, and when they did an awkward understanding **(Huh? What awkward understanding?)** passed between them, then they went their separate ways. Hidden in the Inner City, that was now all but a wasteland, they began to fade from memory. But they lived on, the eldest beginning to go mad after the years of longing to weave their spells. An aching muscle that is finally lost, consuming them **(this sentence doesn't seem to make much sense. I know you're trying to say that a unused muscle eventually turns to fat/disappears, but you don't convey this fully in this analogy)**. They did not live, they survived. They hid from society, the Administration, and the desire to conform. This was no life for such beings. In times of peace they had been arrogant and controlling, but now, now **(second "now" isn't needed)** they were mere shells of what they had been. And so Mortals came to believe that the world was better off without them.
The Inner City had once been grand and beautiful, a triumph of modern architecture. Now it lay in ruins. A desolate expanse of land, littered occasionally with structures that hadn’t been totally wrecked. So **(the word "so" isn't needed)** shelter from the wind and rain were a rarity. Territories were established soon after the destruction of the Purges. Animal-like behaviour erupted. Out of the chaos, a hierarchy rose up. **(I get what you're trying to do with the short sentences, but now it's becoming choppy)** Order would never be totally re-established, but this was the closest they had to peace. No one wanted to jeopardise that with petty squabbles, and return to the days of the Purges. If they drew attention to themselves, it could be catastrophic. The Administration would not hesitate to strike.
The air was filled with urgency as a cloaked stranger ran down a deserted street. She stopped for breath and surveyed her surroundings. The war ravaged battleground that had once been the home of the Mages met her eyes. They still lived there, but it had been decades since they had truly called it home. She reached down for a piece of parchment, blown towards her by the wind, which was whispering its secrets through the city **(? Eh? This piece of paper doesn't come up again later, and it seems like a bit of useless description)**. **(rofl. Okay. So it DOES come back to it. I think you should mention here that it said something important. lol)** The young lady did not remember the Purges, she was born thirteen years after they had seemed to stop, thirteen years after the last Mage was killed. There was no explanation as to why they stopped, or indeed why they started. People speculated, but they could never be sure.
Before the Purges **(Missing a comma here)** the Mages, for the most part, had been proud. Some said they were undeserving, they kept their skills to themselves, never allowing Mortals to feel the effects unless their services were paid for in some way. They considered themselves above even the most wealthy or noble Mortals. The King himself had been looked upon with scorn. Now of course the Administration ruled all walks of life. The king had been usurped and Nobles were stripped of their titles and material possessions.
The young lady running through the street was astonishingly beautiful. Her wispy grey-blue hair wound itself around her, glistening in the moonlight. She had pale skin and a perfect, porcelain complexion. Her eyes were the most incredible thing about her face, they seemed to engulf the viewers mind. Deep and grey, they truly reflected her calm, serene manner. As well as the black cloak she wore a thin navy-blue dress, perfect for the summer afternoons she spent wandering through the growing forest, which had been burned to the ground during the Purges, but was now restoring itself to the glory it had once known. She looked angelic to behold, mystical, mysterious, but now frightened.
She was a rather timid creature, who seemed unable to do harm to anything. She had been taught respect from an early age. She had witnessed more atrocities during her 18 years, than most people would see in their lives. Her father had beaten her mother in front of her, every time she crossed him. She had wanted to keep Allysia, **(semi-colon needed here)** hidden her away. Her father disagreed, he had wanted a son. When it came to leaving her little girl, Allysia’s mother Irene had sobbed for days, her father had tried to silence her soft moans, but she had been lost to the world for that first week. After that, she had never been the same, an empty shell of a being, she felt a failure as a mother, as a person. The years would not change her feelings. Six years after they had abandoned their daughter the mother was unable to leave the house. She just sat, watching the door on her chair in the darkened corner, waiting. **(Um. This doesn't make sense. If they left their daughter, how would Allysia know how her mum dealt with the pain of the separation? You could probably cut this whole paragraph out)**
Allysia had also seen riots and fires, in which many Mages had been killed by Mortals. They could have fought back, but they would not use their magic. She had seen her own people turn against each other, fights had broken out between rival Clans. It hadn’t happened in years, but Allysia was always wary. She did not belong to a Clan as such, she was a student of Kyranon, who surpassed all others in terms of respect. But his students, they did not wield the mighty power of such a name yet, and so had to be cautious. His students were Tayan and Allysia. **(this whole paragraph is confusing. I had to read it twice to really understand that she was apprenticed to Kyranon who had two other pupils. Also. I thought the Mages hid? Why would there be fires and riots if they were in hiding?)**
Allysia had been abandoned at the perimeters of the Inner City. She had been so afraid that day, hidden behind a tree stump in the Grand Park. She remembered clinging to its rough bark, wishing that she had stumbled into a dream. She hadn’t. Kyranon had found her, three days after she was left. Her stomach was crying out for food, and her lips, parched, begged to be hydrated. She could still remember that first meal with the Mages. It wasn’t anything that would normally impress, but still she melted when she began to smell that stew. Ravenous, she had shovelled food into her mouth, as though it would get away, moaning with satisfaction. **(how did no one else notice her in those 3 days? Why did she not roam around, looking for home?)**
Her eyes widened as she drifted out of her memories and back to the parchment she held. She began to run again, faster than she’d ever run before, until she found her destination. Her eyes were blurred with tears and desperation. She had dreaded this moment. She looked at the news bulletin in her shaking hands. This could signal not only the end of her peoples struggle, but the end of her people. She looked into the eyes of the picture of the man on the parchment. She knew him well. She may even have loved him well, had she been given the chance.
“Tay,” she whispered. “I‘m coming Tay.”
She uttered something under her breath, the night itself seemed to wonder **(wonder or wander?)** upon her presence. The rotting door seemed an anticlimax, when one considers the mystery of the cloak and the urgency of the girl‘s manner. Nevertheless the door held secrets of its own. Despite its appearances, behind that door was the safest place for the Mage to be. Slowly the young woman looked down at the ornate door knob which seemed, now it had been noticed, to demand attention. A single pair of eyes caressed the swirls and the beauty of this entrancing object.
A gentle hand reached towards it, but stopped. A pause, and then it returned, a thin piece of cloth providing a barrier between the hand and the dainty ornament. It seemed as though it would give way under the pressure to look at, but it was stronger than a mortal could imagine. **(? Confusing. . . I'm not sure what you're trying to portray here. Also, if she was rushing so much earlier, why would she be hesitant now?)**
The low moan of the hinges signalled a momentous arrival. The room was small. The wooden-clad walls were beginning to rot and the chairs were crooked and riddled with woodworm, as were the beams and the floorboards. There were signs that this had once been a fine house, however after the Administrations first attempt to destroy magic in humans, everything in the Inner City had been destroyed. Now it was inconspicuous, and therefore perfect.
“Kyranon!” she yelled “Kyranon!”
“What is it child?” the old Mage replied, sensing her fear. His bright blue eyes shone with concern and fear. He was bald, and his wrinkled head bore many scars, which told tales of fearsome battles that would have killed a mere Mortal. Kyranon was old, but he was stronger than he appeared. He was one of the most powerful Mages that ever lived. The power he held within his frail body could easily consume him. But he held a terrifying control over his supernatural abilities, even after all these years. His spells themselves respected him, whispering secrets and support to him when he needed it the most.
“It‘s happening again! The Administration has been sending these out.” She handed over the piece of parchment, a silent tear running down her cheek. “They‘re going to kill us all this time!”
“I know.”
“Then do something!” she demanded.
“You must gather the free mages **(capitalize?)**.”
“Me? They will listen to you! I am but a child to them.”
“They will be afraid, you must convince them…”
“No! I can’t **(comma)** you don’t understand! They will not be led by a child!” he seemed not to hear. “Kyranon, they have Tayan…” once again he seemed not to hear. Tayan had been Kyranon’s other student. She began to wonder if he would have cared had it been her.
He walked to a small desk in the middle of the room. The furniture was strewn across the floor along with parchment and clothes. The place was dirty, it was kept in the state that it was in after the Purges. Kyranon said this was because it would draw less attention should someone search the place, but his student had other ideas as to why it was kept so. She looked down to the bloodstain on the floor by the wall. They had taken his wife, after beating her to death in that spot, she was Mortal. They had not killed a Mage in the attack, or rather, they hadn’t stopped his heart. **(The last two sentences are fragmented and don't flow correctly)**
From the draw in the desk he pulled out a small locket on a chain.
“I want you to take this…” said the old man that stood before her “When the time is right, it will open.” Handing over the jewellery, a look of regret stole over his face. “Allysia… good luck.” He seemed as though he was about to say something else, but decided against it. Allysia was surprised, he had never used her name before, only referring to her as his student, or as a child. In that moment, she looked into his eyes, and saw that he was old. Another tear crept down her cheek. She bowed her head slightly as she murmured the only words she could manage.
“Yes master.”
**(lol. I think you've forgotten some dialogue here)**
“Why me? Why can‘t you do it?”
“Allysia, you are the only one who can save our people, because you are not one of us.”
“What do you mean?” she faltered.
“What I say.” he sighed.
“If I‘m not one of you, then what do you suppose I am?” she said, angrily. She did not believe what she was hearing.
“You are the last of the Siren. The mystical beings who can initiate War.”
“W-what? I‘ve never heard of such a thing. Mortals go to war all the time.”
“You misunderstand me when I say War. I‘m not sure of what it entails myself. You must travel, with the Mages, to see Lykaria and, more importantly, the Elders. I have been trying to look at what your future holds, but my view is blocked. You promised me that you would fulfil me any task, I ask that it would be this one. We will all be killed if you don‘t do this, either way you risk your life.” he was rambling, Allysia had never heard him like this, he was always calm and poised, now he was using emotional blackmail, Allysia knew there was something terribly wrong.
“You‘re asking me to give up my life.” she stated.
“No. I’m asking you to risk it. If I had any alternative, I would not let you go. You were my best student. The only one who will ever surpass me in skill and wisdom. I…”
“I know. Master I will grant you your request, but I would ask you to accompany me on this journey.”
“I… I will meet you at the Ruins at sunrise tomorrow. Gather our people.”
“You mean your people…” she said quietly, a silent tear carving its way down her cheek.
-----------
Nice story, Roon.
I couldn't find anything in terms of spelling or grammar, but you did miss a few things, that I've pointed out 
I don't care much for Tay, but then again, I don't know much about him. I imagine the parchment is a warrant for his arrest, but I could be wrong.
I like the idea of her being a siren. Her beauty fits with that concept quite nicely. However, the fact that you said she was/is timid doesn't quite sit well. Sirens are notorious for luring men to their deaths with the promise of pleasure. She should be ruthless.
Unless of course you're going to change the traditional view of sirens. Like Twilight's vampires. *shudders*
I *really* don't like Kyr, and I hope you get rid of his character soon. I felt as if he was useless. As if he wasn't strong enough to survive, and that he'd drag the story down.
Regardless, I'd like to read more of this.
I hope this ends up being romantic fantasy 
PM me with the next post
- Jai
Hello, thank you for the reviews, I will make changes, so thank you for your advice, it's always appreciated, thank you all again!
~ Roon
cool. i wished i thought of something like this. promise i won't steal *crosses heart with finger*.
you had nice character descriptions but i felt like i didn't know your character.
you also had great scenery
i felt like you were warming up to something big coming soon. it felt nice to read, but i wasn't on the each of my seat.
liked it a lot
hope you continue 
Hey! I'm Taytay and I'm going to reveiw your story real quick!
In the times that followed the Purges, all Mages lived in fear.
They spent their lives hidden, rarely did groups meet, and when they did an awkward understanding passed between them, and they went on their way.
Warning! Warning! Information overload! Okay, first of all you tried to put way too much info into one sentence. Don't do that. It makes it hard to read and the reader usually gets confused. 
They spent their lives hidden, rarely did groups meet. When that did happen, and awkward understanding passed between them, and then they went on their way.Hidden in the Inner City, that was now all but a wasteland, they began to fade from memory, people began to doubt that they still existed.
Out of the chaos, a hierarchy rose up, order would never be totally re-established, but this was the closest they had to peace, and no one wanted to jeopardise that with petty squabbles and return to the days of the Purges.
This could signal the end of her peoples struggle, but the end of her people.
Charicters: I sum it all up to about in the middle. You give a good discription of the charicters' feelings, but not the chariters' discription. What do they look like? I understand that the girl had a cloak on, but that's it. Try to describe them more.
Landscape/Scenary: You described it perfectly! It needs no improvement!
Overall: I think you gave a good description of most every thing except what the charicters looked like. You had a great opening and I can't wait untill chapter one of it!
Hey! So I'm going to tear your prologue apart...'cause that's what I do. Of course, feel free to throw anything I say out, most of it is simply my opinion.
They spent their lives hidden, rarely did groups meet, and when they did an awkward understanding passed between them before going on their separate ways.
Hidden in the Inner City that was now all but a wasteland, they began to fade from memory, [s]people began to doubt that they still existed[/s].
But they lived on, the eldest began to go mad after [s]the[/s] years of longing to weave their spells.
An aching muscle that finally cracks, and consumes them. They did not live, they survived.
You would be lucky to get a roof over your head.
Out of the chaos, a hierarchy rose up. Order would never be totally re-established, but this was the closest they had to peace, and no one wanted to jeopardize that with petty squabbles and return to the days of the Purges.
she stopped for breath, and surveyed her surroundings.
The young lady did not remember the Purges--she was born 13 years after they had seemed to stop, 13 years after the last Mage was killed.
Kyranon had found her, three days after she was left.
Her eyes blurred with tears and desperation.
Not only could this signal the end of her peoples struggle, but the end of her people.
“Tay,” she whispered. “I‘m coming Tay.”
She uttered something under her breath, the night itself seemed to wonder upon her presence.
The rotting door seemed anticlimactic, when the mystery of the cloak surrounded the visit.
Despite its appearances, behind that door was the safest place for this being to be.
Slowly the young woman looked down at the ornate door knob which seemed, now it had been noticed, to demand attention. A single pair of eyes caressed the swirls and the beauty of this entrancing object, it cried out to be viewed as though it had been neglected, it wanted to be seen.
“Kyranon!” she yelled “Kyranon!”
“What is it child?” the old Mage replied, sensing her fear.
“Then do something!” she demanded.
He had been his other student.
The furniture was strewn across the floor along with parchment and clothes, the place was dirty, it was kept in the state that it was in after the Purges, Kyranon said this was because it would draw less attention should someone search the place, but his student had other ideas as to why it was kept so, and she looked down to the bloodstain on the floor by the wall.
They had taken his wife, after beating her to death in that spot--she was Mortal.
Good luck with it!Hi roon,
I'm Izzy, just gonna give you a quick review.
I have to say I looked through this and I was enchanted, what a wonderful piece. You have obviously worked very hard to correct this and your description is excellent, but I still found a few things that I though I should point out.
You would be lucky to get a roof over your head.
.She remembered clinging to its rough bark, hoping that it would all be a dream
It wasn’t. Kyranon had found her, 3 days after she was left. Her stomach was crying out for food, and her lips, parched, begged to be hydrated. She could still remember that first meal with the Mages. It wasn’t anything that would normally impress, but still she melted when she began to smell that stew. Ravenous, she had shovelled food into her mouth, as though it would get away, moaning with satisfaction.
“Kyranon!” She yelled “Kyranon!”
“What is it child?” The old Mage replied, sensing her fear.
“Then do something!” She demanded.
I could probably have read your original, but maybe it would be better if I read this and judge it for what it is rather than comparatively. Hopefully you'll get another reviewer who read your previous version, but I hope an impartial review is as much appreciated.
120,613 Literary Works • 651,077 Reviews
Points: 2154
Reviews: 119
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