Dai watched them solemnly, staring over the frothy tankard resting on the knotted wooden bar in front of him and wondering what the hell was going on. He slowly registered a high pitch whine coming from his left, he glanced and saw he was right. It was Tom and he was whining, '...but I don't know what to do. I mean she's not great looking but seriously could I do much better?...' his voice fading away as he waited expectantly for an answer. Your short, fat and look like you were born yesterday Dai thought to himself, ... And your really annoying he added as afterthought but kept quiet, if he told Tom one tenth of what he thought of him the whiney little arse would just run off crying. So instead he just turned back to his drink, catching a glance of them again as he did, sitting in front of the stone hearth, the flickering flames lighting up her face in a way that made Dai's heart ache. He noticed all the little things she did to him, slapping him when he made a joke, pointlessly trying to wrestle something from him and then simply stroking his face when their conversation started to stale. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, willing his pain to leave with it, but it didn't, it never did. He looked over at Tom again to see if he had noticed but even this wasn't enough to penetrate Tom's consciousness; he will have heard and his subconscious will have realised that it didn't relate to him, and so just ignored it. Typical Tom. Dai slowly picked up his beer, his movements weighed down by depression. Looking down into the inviting embrace of sweet oblivion, he silently toasted himself and drained the entire mug, welcoming a foreseeable end to his pain.
'Screw this' Dai muttered to himself, suddenly disgusted by behaviour, 'I'm sitting right here, just hoping she'll acknowledge me' I'm pathetic his brain responded glumly, ' Damn right you are' he muttered again and slowly started to get up, scanning the room for a suitable corner to hide from world in. His drunken brain struggling to register anything that his eyes were seeing, the light from the fire lazily dancing against the oaken tavern walls.. After a few moments of staring at a table, waiting for his brain to acknowledge it's existence, he lurched forwarded suddenly, bending towards the table, using gravity to move himself the short distance required.
'Where you going Dai?' Tom asked nervously, looking round the bar to make sure no one had seen him talking to himself, 'Dai, Dai?' he called out as he scurried after Dai, yapping at his heels, 'Why are you moving? Did I do something?'
'No Tom' Dai answered wearily as he fell into a seat, ' I just felt like a change'.
'Oh okay cos I was just wondering if-' Tom slowly faded out into the general background noise of an inn at night, the constant hum of inane conversation interspersed by the occasional bursts of raucous laugher from the drunken watchmen at the bar.
Several moments later Dai caught himself thinking about Mimi and their supposed 'relationship' again. What was going on? He leant around the corner to get another glance at her and Hardy, her diminutive friend who apparently was nothing more than that, to find her walking straight towards him, Hardy's arm wrapped tightly around her waist.
Here it comes he thought as Mimi stopped in front of him, Hardy's arms never leaving her side. He tried a smile but it was just met with pity.
' Dai we need to talk,
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
I love it! Please, continue! I really have nothing bad to say, it's interesting to me.
Hey rooboosh!
I really enjoyed reading this! The writing itself is quite good, and it was very interesting to read.
Now on to my nit-picking
This huge block of text is what I like to call a run-on paragraph. As the first paragraph of a story, it's a bit intimidating for a reader as is. Not to mention, it really should be broken into several smaller paragraphs. Here, I'm going to break it up in this quote box how I would personally break it up:
A few other things about this section.
1. I would like to know more specifically who the "them" was Dai is watching. We don't find out until the end who exactly they are (names) and that can be a tad frustrating for a reader.
2.Dialogue. (This applies to the entire story). Everything is good, except there should be quotation marks (") instead of apostrophes (') around each section of dialogue.
3. Dai's inner monologue. (This also applies to the entire story). It would be nice to have Dai's thoughts seperated from the regular prose, so that it's easier to tell they are his thoughts. This could be done by putting those parts in italics or putting them in "quotation marks".
I went ahead and broke this up too, and added in quotation marks where they ought to be.
Also note the bolded part. I'm a tad confused about this. Did he teleport or turn invisible or something? A bit more description on this would be appreciated.
Alright, that's all I have to say. Great job with this, with a little tweaking it'll really shine! Can't wait to see more from you.
Keep Writing!
-Lauren-
Hi!
This is interesting - you captured Dai's emotions just right.
However, there are a few nitpicks:
I'm not too sure about the bit in bold. I'd put it like this:
That way it's all said in one sentence and is slightly clearer.
Corrections in red and suggestions in bold
...make sure to put his thoughts in italics.
I like this a lot, it really tells the reader something about her.
Nice description
I think a suspension point would be better here, to give this more suspense, especially as this is a last line.
Overall:
This a good and well written piece, and there are some really nice descriptions. However, make sure to read over your work well so you can prevent all those nitpicks
Also, on the character front, I would like to know more about Mimi. I know that Dai loves her, but why? What does she look like? For now I don't really understand his love for her. Also, about Tom. I would like to understand why Dai hates him. What's so annoying about him? Is he a chatterbox, only cares about himself, etc?
Well, apart from that it's good.
Keep writing, and hope I helped!
This is a nicely written story. please do continue. thanks