No title yet. Short story or chapter 1.Unfinished

Thanks for tip about italics, ye it is a bit wierd, im thinking ill scrap this or maybe bulk it out into a proper short story, haven't decided yet but thanks.

roobosh wrote:This is something i randomly started writing last night, it's not finished and not sure what to make of it but any criticism and/or help would be appreciated. Hopefully enjoy.

Elvis Kaksly blended into the rich, velvety red of his expensive 19th century drapes, waiting; watching. He was staring out into the black oblivion of Sheer Woods, waiting for a clue, any clue that might give their presence away, his thumb twitching in anticipation. Okay so the underlined is a bit awkward. I think you should write it like this. you seemed to try and write it in a creative way, but it was just confusing. Try it like this: Waiting for any clue that might give their presence away. Then, your sentence I italicized should either be a separate sentence or conjoined by a semicolon, not a comma. ∞
The darkness of the night hung over them like a shroud, all encompassing it shielded them from the world. The tall, slender trunks of countless trees stretching far above them into the star flecked sky, composing with the wind, it's leaves rustling and roaring in their expectant ears. The darkness and the trees that surrounded them on all sides were a protective palisade against what was to come. They all knew it wascoming;it was inevitable, but, not like it used to be. It was so much harder now.
'When?'
Everyone understood.By this time you should explain more on what is happening. I am so confused!
'Soon'
A rustle and a loud crack shot into the night.
'Wha-' the sound barely escaped before a muffling hand smelling softly of cigarettes, briefly replacing the musky smell of the trees, smothered the rest of the errant query. They all froze, resting on the balls of their feet , ready to run.
Silence.
'I think it was an animal,' floats across the small group.- explain this, it doesn't make sense.
'You sure?'
'No.'
An unseen branch snaps.
'Shit!'
Another broke, out of sight.
A whispered conference hurriedly takes place, hunched figures ringed around the squatting leaders in the centre. A decision is reached. Everyone readies themselves. They take their time doing up their belts and tying their laces, the darkness still hiding them. Their excitement reaches fever pitch.
'On three?'
'On three.' - say something like, he agreed. here.
There's a pause.
'Lighter, anyone?' someone tentatively asks another.
A few giggles rang out as the various flames light up the woods around them, briefly illuminating the litter strewn across the floor. There wasn't time for them to collect it now, and the black hooded figures that surrounded it, patiently waiting. -more explanation. This doesn't make sense to me.
'Three!' Is shouted softly and people begin to race off into the darkness.
'What's happening?' Someone asks, bewildered. A beam of light scythes through the air above them, another cutting in from the side. They were being encircled.
'GO!'
Suddenly they're gone, it's over, until next time. -Whats over till next time? You really need more explanation.

∞

Elvis Kaksly saw the torches and twisted his lips into what he called a smile. I've got you now, he thought triumphantly. The bolded needs to be italicized. Then he saw them sprinting out of the woods and across the field towards the road. He opened the curtains and grabbed his dark mahogany desk chair to sit on. Taking a seat, he rested his elbows on the armrests as he brought his large black binoculars up to his eyes with one hand and raised his phone to his ear with the other. I'm going to enjoy this he thought maliciously as he hit 1 on speed dial.Again, the bolded italicized. So you don't confuse readers, you need to italicize thoughts.
'Hello?'
'John, it's Kaksly. Radio the others and move in.'
'Got it chief... chief?' asked John but only getting white noise as an answer. Son of a bitch hung up on me! thought John to himself , arrogant ass. He's probably sitting on that stupid wooden chair of his with his stupid binoculars while I'm stuck in this stupid range rover in this stupid field on this stupidly cold winter's night on his stupid orders. Asshole.
John took a few seconds to calm down before he leaned down and picked up his police-style in-car radio, 'Team you copy? Over.' he asked it stiffly. After a few seconds of radio silence and crackling, his team answered.
'Copy that, over.'
'I'm here, over'
'ready and waiting team alpha bravo leader, over.'
Jesus thought John,again? Is he ever going to get it its not funny, that there's a reason all he hears is static for the next 15 seconds.
'hilarious as always, Steve, right we've-'
'no problemo, red 1, anytime...over'
John snarled and tried to flex the anger out of him before he said, 'As I was saying before I was interrupted I-'
'As I said anyt-'
'SHUT IT STEVE YOU GLIB SACK O' SHIT!!'
There was a long radio silence until Steve hesitantly transmitted'whoa there cowboy I think you need to chillax... over, hehe'
John sat very still for a minute, breathing deeply and massaging his temples before he tried to calmly say that 'you should all spark your cars and move in, headlights blaring you all got that?', but the strain of keeping his voice level could be heard over the background static and from over in his blue Fiat Steve couldn't resist adding cheerfully like the idiot that he is ' that's the segundo time you didn't say over, over.'
Steve laughed as he turned the keys in his car, picturing John smashing up his radio for the third time this month, and accelerated out into the field from the northwest corner. He saw hooded figures scampering away in front of him and he could see two other pairs of headlights converging in the centre of the field at roughly the same speed he was, he quickly glanced over at John's corner to find it dark and quiet and bereft of all signs of vehicular activity. He laughed.
∞
There was a blinding light all around them. somewhere, someone screamed as she tripped in the long, damp grass. There was shouting and screaming and the roar of car engines on all sides, the peace of the night shattered by the sound of the hunt. They began to slow down, looking for escape routes. There weren't any. They were caught, until above the din faint cries could be heard;
'THIS WAY'
'THERE'S A GAP BETWEEN THE CARS! RUN! RUN!'
They saw the gap and they ran, the tight ball of people being slowly sucked through the hole towards freedom.
∞
Kaksly was sat at his mahogany desk chair screaming in disbelief, his clenched fists bouncing off the arm rests in frustration .
'YOU IDIOTS YOUR LETTING THEM GET AWAY'
Snatching his phone off the red and white Persian rug beneath him he threw his binoculars away to the side, frantically dialling John's number, 'JOHN!JOHN! THEY'RE GETTING AWAY JOHN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! JOHN? JOHN? YOU DOUGHBALL YOU HUNG UP ME!'
Kaksly smashed his phone to the floor and sprinted down the stairs and onto the road, hysterically shouting 'STOP! I've got you! YOUR MINE!' at the rapidly approaching mass of hoods.
∞
John was still smashing his car radio against the dashboard in a blind rage when Kaksly's call came through. The loud chanting of the his ring tone pierced the anger bubble surrounding John. He picked up his phone once that he saw it was Kaksly. He instantly regretted it when he heard the screams coming from the other end and, realising he was at least knee-deep in cesspit. Uncharacteristically, he hung up. That felt good thought John. All anger forgotten, no wonder he does it all the time. Suddenly seeing the 3 pairs of headlights careering across the field John understood that he will be a lot deeper than knee-deep if this goes wrong; it would all be his fault. Shit.