I push myself so hard,
still seems like I don't have a clue,
Though I see a clear path,
Show me the way to move,
With all I see around,
there's got to be real proof,
something as solid as the land put down,
upon which I set my foot,
to help me find my ground,
and break these shackles loose.
As the sun with the patterns of clouds
make roof,
so our frowns with patterns of hope and a plan
make room,
but as much as these hurt pounds,
I fear this faith, trying as much, its head to rare,
may never suite.
can you hear me screaming out loud?
or am I still as mute?
I shut my eyes...
Oh Yes! I do remember the screams,
This beauty inside lies,
all I had to do was get out with it,
and I am back here, this beautiful life.
Here, I can always find me a place to fit,
little wonders all around me flies,
I try, I strain, because I really want to see,
These definitely are not fireflies, not butterflies...
they are only what these excitement in me wish.
My eyes are open again,
take it all!
My pain...
You just let me fall and all will be done and gone.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I made this poem only some few minutes to the post time, so i really did not have enough time to really work on it. Wanted to produce something raw, original and totally direct.
Guessing that was a bad idea, or i did not do it right.
About the "scream" lines, where you got kind of confused, its more like my body was trying to find an escape route (a comfort zone), in one blink.
I have to say I'm not really sure what you're going for here. Your sentences are shaky and jilted, I cannot find a thread to follow, and mostly it seems like you're just putting lines after each other without really trying to make them into a whole.
In addition, a lot of the elements your use are extremely cliche: try for more unique images, express your feelings in a different way.
Finally, be careful with your spelling. You went from capitalizing 'I' to not doing so to capitals again, with no discernible reason. Not to mention using 'u' instead of 'you', which is pretty much an instant turn-off.
Very nice poem
It flows quite nicely, and certain lines cast very colourful images in my head
Well done
Yet, they're are certain points that put me, personally, off this poem. The way the poem goes along, line to line, makes me a little confused, as i cant seem to understand how they connect, f.e:
Oh Yes! I do remember the screams,
This beauty inside lies
Are you talking about your body faking the screams, or that your body is lying to you and not letting you think of the screams?
Please let me know, I'm intrigued.