z

Young Writers Society



Reminder

by romeyo


Reminder:
A little boy somewhere has never sighted a thing all his life,
He has no idea which is white or black,
What insect crawls or which jumps,
How fast that mosquito that bites him flies,
U DO... BE GRATEFUL!

Another girl has no sense of smell,
She’d give anything to smell that smelly gutter you’d complain about,
Or to perceive that good momma’s cooking,
U CAN... BE GRATEFUL!

Som 13 year old can’t hear whatever noise you make,
A displacement is felt and he can’t find his centre,
He sees your lips move and can’t tell what sound is coming out of your mouth,
He’d break a leg to hear your classroom noise,
U CAN... BE GRATEFUL!

Yet another can’t say – “I LOVE YOU”, can’t say any word for that matter,
Can’t scream from excitement,
Can’t hiss out of frustration,
U CAN... BE GRATEFUL!

Some still battle to be like these ones. Think you’re any better?
Cld be lying down, Sitting down or even standing upright reading this right now,
Be grateful! Because you saw the words and you read them..
If you didn’t then someone read them to you and you heard it.
For these I beg you to ALWAYS REMEMBER TO BE GRATEFUL!!!!

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Points: 1514
Reviews: 4

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Thu Mar 18, 2010 10:17 am
romeyo says...



'Truth is Ugly' they say, now i understand. I really appreciate all the tips you've given me. Now, that i look at it from your point of view, i share the same insights. I will make amends and try all my best to make my work better.

I think i really did not take the write-up seriously. Was eager to post in something. I just copied one of my work and posted here without taking the time to edit it.
I'll be better next time.

However, i am glad you noticed the message i was trying to deliver. I'm all the more happier it was really clear to all. I do not think that "shoving the message down your throat" was what i was doing or the best way to describe it.

Nonetheless, i will try my best to be better and take note of all you've brought to my notice.

Thanks to you, I will be a better writer.

Later then. Take care




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1260 Reviews

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Sun Mar 14, 2010 4:18 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hi Romeyo.

This poem wasn't very good. The message you're trying to get across is sweet, but my main problem lied in these lines:

romeyo wrote:U DO... BE GRATEFUL!


First off, you should never never never never never use chat-speak in a poem. It's sloppy, a sign of poor grammar, and it's also a sign that you're not taking yourself too seriously as an author. Secondly, the caps are unnecessary. It feels like I'm being yelled at, the message forced down my throat. You don't want any of your readers to feel like that, do you? Thirdly, what is the ellipsis there for? Remove it. Finally, "you do be grateful" makes no since whatsoever.

There are some sections in the poem which are good, and these mostly lie in the parts where do you describe the ailments of various children. However, I don't like the shouting parts where you shove the message down our throats, especially at the end. If you're seeking to do that, then write a fable. Otherwise use literary techniques and good description so that the reader gets it without you telling it up front.

PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor




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11 Reviews

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Sun Mar 14, 2010 4:01 pm
writingjoy wrote a review...



I can feel a lot of meaning and feelings behind this poem. I loved how you repeated

U CAN... BE GRATEFUL!
after each stanza. I liked it! Great job!

...But here are some things you may want to look over. Correct some spelling errors, for example the one Layla mentioned. Also, you might want to change the "U" in
U CAN... BE GRATEFUL!
to "you". Don't forget proper spelling! By the way, here's another you should change:
Cld be lying down,
Change the "cld" to a "could!"

Still, I liked how you created emphasis at some parts, but try not overusing these little exclamation marks! You just need one. At the last line in the last stanza, you used four. I know how fun it is to use exclamation marks, but try to keep it in!!!!!! :lol:




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Sun Mar 14, 2010 2:29 am
Layla says...



Hi!!
Well I see I'm the first reviewer.....
This is really good. It makes me feel hella bad. But I hthink grateful is supposed to be spelled greatful. I'm pretty sure it should be. But I don't know for sure





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