z

Young Writers Society



Elven pig ( working title )

by rodent


( it does end up as a fantasy )

Wataru gave a little nod , the men that flanked him moved purposely forward , six swords were drawn naked . They came steady over the little bridge , stepping in time , crouched and moving in perfect formation .

I could hear there footfalls , I could smell waturu’s after shave . I was under the bridge terror struck . marinating in my own sweat and keeping deadly still.

The moon lit stream was trickling loud enough to muffle my breathing , but Wataru was very, very smart – his men would find me , his men would kill me , and that would be that . The brain functions differently under such a fear , there was two options , doubtless you know them both. I felt the handle of my sword , grasped it even in a sweaty fist , did I dare , more importantly , was I capable of handling six of waturu’s best .

I took a deep breath and looked around one more time , savoring the world I may soon leave. Everything took on surreal beauty , On both sides of the stream there was thick horse grass bleached silver by the moon , an apple tree too , and in the distance a magnificent range of mountains . I craned my neck , the stars! How I would miss them - a million pin pricks of blue against the inky dark. My heart had gone mad by now , like machinegun fire. I tried to think of an appropriate last thought , an image of smeared fesses blossomed vividly in the back of my brain. Great .

Boss lords like Waturu had developed unique methods of torture , it was almost like a competition . If I was captured , which would probably be the case - he would order a grating. Something I wont explain .

I pulled at the handle , slowly it came out , the chrome gleaming , the tip forked .

Deep breath , if I was going out , I was going out in style. “ Waturu!” I roared , surprising myself “ How do you wish to die!” I launched myself sideways , at once they surrounded me , but they didn’t strike , not without his command .

A harsh chuckle came form the bridge , Waturu was there , leaning on his own sword , looking swarve in padded leather and white genes . “ cut his legs off “ he said bluntly “ and he wont need his eyes either”

Stuff happened -My sword went through a neck , my foot broke a jaw and my hands clamped a throat – two of them died there and then , the other writhed screaming , holding the bottom half of his face . I twisted to face the rest , two? , there was six so where had… my calculation came to a sudden halt , I heard an intake of air behind me , I side stepped but the blade snagged my arm , by snagged I mean a two inch wound .

They were fast , they were strong – but chufa was great. Only one remained now , a shivering wreck , but brave . And for that I let him live , relieving him of his arm though .

For the first time since the fight started I looked at the bridge . He was gone .

I sighed , with my fingers I began to dig a hole for the men . they deserved this at least .


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48 Reviews


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Sun Mar 25, 2007 8:58 pm
Pyxis wrote a review...



umm...

Okay. The comma/period thing was weird. "stuff happened," didn't fit... but people have already said these things.

You should keep writing this, but make the time period clear. And maybe change the name "Wataru,".

But I really like it. I would definately read more. It just needs a little work. I will be interested to see what the title is about.

I would give it 6/10.

:)




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Sun Mar 25, 2007 8:45 pm
Dark Lordess wrote a review...



This is a very good start to your story! I especially like your paragraphs about his world and the battle. :D

Stuff happened -My sword went through a neck...


However, "stuff" here seems strange. Maybe you should replace it with "something" or another word.

I agree with meep about the time period. You have a machine gun ( I know it's just a simile) and swords in the same story.

Other than those and some grammatical errors, this is a great start!




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Sun Mar 25, 2007 8:19 pm
_fallingstar_ wrote a review...



There's nothing wrong with this content-wise, but your grammar needs some work. No spaces before commas or periods, and you're also using the wrong form of "there." (It should be "their," that's the possessive form. The one you used is supposed to tell the place of something.)

Other than that, it was pretty good, but the opening sentence struck me as odd:

rodent wrote: Wataru gave a little nod , the men that flanked him moved purposely forward , six swords were drawn naked .


That last part makes me think that they're holding pictures of naked sword people, but I get what you were trying to say. Maybe you could do something like this:

Wataru gave a little nod, and the men that flanked him moved purposely forward, naked swords drawn.



Anyway, it's a good start, you just need to get your grammar cleaned up a bit. :D Can't wait to see how the title comes in.




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Sun Mar 25, 2007 7:10 pm
Meep wrote a review...



You seem to have some weird thing going on where you put a space before and after a comma or period. You don't need to do this; indeed, you shouldn't. It should be word-comma (or period)-space-word. (See, for example, this sentence. Or, perhaps, this one.)

You also shouldn't say "stuff happened." Since you went on to describe the "stuff," it's redundant, and if you hadn't, there wouldn't've been enough detail.

This story reads like fairly generic video game material. Not a lot of information is given about your characters emotions, and somethinb about "boss lord" screams Final Fantasy, at least to me. (Maybe there's something here that I'm missing?)

Also, what time period does this take place in? You mention aftershave and swords in the same story, and while not historically impossible, it's improbable and they give off distinctly different feels, in terms of time peiods. That, coupled with the Japanese name, adds to the video game feel.

I am curious to read more, however, and see where the title comes in.





Irresponsibly-conceived assignments don't deserve responsibly-executed complies.
— Persistence