With the golden light in hand, the Misty Man went to stand
On the field of darkened pines, where the the sunlight lives and dies.
With the fire in her soul, the younger child born from coal
Declared the man as her friend, and said "This will not be the end."
But the man denied the gift, and began to draw a rift
Between the mist and the child; he would never love the wild
But the warmth made the forest grow, and silly Misty Man soon would know
That this child would live forever, that things, in time, will always get better.
So the child battles on, until the darkness will finally be gone
On the field with one last pine, where the sunlight cannot die
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I'm not really sure what the theme was in your poem. Sorry. It's a habit I have to look for themes.
I didn't understand who the Misty Man was or what his purpose in your poem was either. I didn't know how he connected with the pine trees and the sunlight. And does the young child have some secret identity? What is the child battling? And what does it mean the child will live forever? As a poem and story writer, I completely understand that especially in poems, the writer should never be blunt, and I respect this poem for that but it seems too vague. It seems to me as though there were a lot of randomly tossed in words that don't really seem to fit to me. Your poem is titled The Field of Pines, but it seems to be more about a man and a child and their connection to each other. But then the child has fire in her soul (is she defensive? Hot tempered?), and something won't be the end, suddenly there's a gift thrown in there. It just seems to be lacking some connection, but I absolutely love the rhythm. The rhythm is one of the hardest things I find to complete in a poem. Though still confusing, I loved the potential and obvious effort put into it. I know it isn't easy to write a poem; it usually takes me up to an hour. Keep up the good work!
Very interesting... I can't say that I understand it, but since it's under the genre for fantasy, I suppose it's not supposed to make much sense. Lol, funny thing is that I love fantasy anything.
I do however, like the imagery described and the setting created. It's rather moving though I still don't fully understand it.
This poem started out so strong! I was captivated immediately, and realize the potential this has!!
I love the format you chose. Whatever you do, don't divide it into stanzas. I realize that you might have not purposefully chosen to not include stanzas (yws formatting is weird) but somehow, the way it is, is perfect to me.
You also show tons of symbolism, which I can't even analyze until I sit down with a cup of coffee and attempt to decode this. I LOVE POEMS LIKE THIS, THOUGH.
Okay, anyway, continuing:
In line 7:
"But the warmth made the forest grow, and silly Misty Man soon would know"
The phrase "soon would know" is a bit awkward, and kind of brings your poem to a halt, because it was going so smoothly until this point! I think if you switched the position of "soon would" to "would soon", it would help flow it better. Try saying your poem out loud in different ways. The power of speech is incredible, and helps determine which is the best way fr the reader's mind to process it.
In line 8, "forever" and "better" don't really rhyme, which goes against the previous scheme you've already created. Try rephrasing this line.
In the next line, you have the same grammatical error in line 7. It's just the way you place certain words is uncommon, and once again, halts your poem. Try switching "will finally" to "finally will". I'm not sure what the exact grammatical rule that calls for this, but try saying it out loud and you'll see!
Other than that, this is a wonderful poem. I give it an 8.3/10!
Keep Writing!
-Sbitonti
Thank you so much!! That review means a lot to me
just as a note, will finally was an accident, and it was supposed to be finally will. Oops.