I'm a rover lost in darkness,
My weary heart is in obedience,
I don’t wish to raise enthusiasm,
Nor I want to dream for waters.
I’m driven away by an evil steam,
And my path is closed irredeemably.
My mislaid soul’s a poor foundling,
Consigned to blackness like a blurry steam.
Tired, deflected from wailing,
The motherless thing wants to sleep,
Don’t you give a care, don’t you bother please,
Don’t torture again - it needs some relief.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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130,098 Literary Works • 671,511 Reviews
Hey Robert
Umaima here t review you submission!
The poem was a nice piece. The one you can include in the short and sweet peices. I personally thought it was really good and felt like reading more of your poems so if there are any please do tell me!
Okay now I am going to be reviewing this like a critique sandwich because of the lack of time. first starting with the things I like really loved in the poem, then going to the negatives and then third where I say the conclusion!
Positives:
* The poem was short and meaningful which was a very very big plus point and I literally want t ask you how you d it because I can't! So I will give you that.
* I liked the title of the poem, it was different and nice!
* You divided it into stanzas of 4, which is my favorite type of division and so I love your poem more!
Negatives:
* I did not think the idea was clearly put up. I mean yes I get sa little Idea of what you are trying to say but the poem's a little confusing.
Conclusion:
Was a great poem but I couldn't quite get the whole plot! Please do tell me if you have the time
So that's all, Have a good day and d contact me if you ever, like ever ever ever need me!
Thank you for the review...The poem is about me on the verge of committing some kind of a suicide haha...Instead I wrote a poem, but still most of the time I prefer to stay lost in darkness rather than hang out with some maggots... Good day to you...
Please don't suicide, life is hard but you shouldn't just give up! I hope your life turns to be amazing and you never think of suicide!
Suicide not in a literal sense haha..but thank you...Good luck to you as well
Knight Dragon, here to review for this Review Day!
Technical:
"I'am a rover lost in darkness", do you want "I'm" or "I am"? Please fix that typo.
"My weary heart is in obedience,", you should have a period at the end of this line. It makes it flow better.
"Nor I want to dream for waters.", there should be a "do" after "Nor" to help it read better.
"The motherless thing wants to sleep,", again there should be a period here.
Otherwise I liked the lyrical feel, and you captured your ideas really well with your wording. There were just those few rough spots that, if you fix, will greatly gel this poem.
Hope this helps!
Thanks...I really need to learn grammar...
Hi robertsoad,happy review day.Here is Dark to give review on your poem.
# I'am a rover lost in darkness,-->I like when you use 'rover' to describe yourself as the one that lost in darkness.Fit with the theme /title.
My weary heart is in obedience,
I don’t wish to raise enthusiasm,
Nor I want to dream for waters. -->Dream for waters?I don't have any idea what is it actually is.You should add some more description about it,to make sure the reader can understand the real meaning is.
I liked the second stanza.It is define the darkness of your life very well.The end also nice,even though I don't really sure the meaning of this stanza.But I am sure,I like the diction you use here.You actually can improve the rhythm too.Keep it up.
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
I'd like to think of my poems as esoteric, so don't expect to understand them at all, but if you do then you are in real trouble hahahaha Thank you for the review...
XD.I need to understand everything when I read.Can't let it pass in my mind just like that^^,sorry
Hello, hope you find this review informative. To start of with, I liked your poem. My first reaction was ' Oh, oh' but as I read through I loved it. The descriptive adjectives you used were superb.
The only thing I didn't like was the flow of the poem; it could have been better. Your ending was lovely. It was my favourite stanza in this poem. Rather an emotional poem. Hope to read more of your poems. Good luck!
- Anshira
Thank you. Once you love it, you are more than welcome to edit it and take credit for it of course. Good Luck to you as well : )...