Published July 16, 2009
So things change once again,
life's path taking another bend.
Another era another adventure,
time to go see hidden treasures,
but it is and never will be my pleasure,
to say goodbye to a friend.
Oh when will this strange journey end
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140,662 Literary Works • 673,584 Reviews
Okay, this is really short, but I'll try to do what I can. If you don't know me, I'm Ellie. I'll review the lovely poem I'm sure you've written.
A little bit awkwardly phrased. You could Try : So things have changed once again,
For this phrase you have a number of options. If you want to keep the tense, add an 'and' after the first line. and put : life's path is taking another bend.
If you are fine with changing the tense, you could try : So Things have changed once again, and life's path just took another bend. (Notice the period at the end)
Should be a comma after 'era', and a period at the end.
It's time to go see hidden treasures. (Period)
This sentence is akwardly phrased. You could try ; But is my duty, and never my pleasure
Good! Keep as is.
Oh, When will this strange journey end?
Overall
This Is a cute little poem, and i like the messages of it. Perhaps You Could Change The Title, though? Anyway, It's Good. PM Me If You ever write anything else!
I thought some of this was well written, and some of it was unclear to me.
I think you could certainly fatten this piece up.
~*~
"So things change once again,
life's path taking another bend.
Another era, another adventure,
time to go see hidden treasures,((This line doesn't fit))
but it is, and never will be, my pleasure ((remove this comma ->)) ,
to say goodbye to a friend.
Oh, when will this strange journey end?"
~*~
Just some minor suggestions.
-M.
Hey, I'm here to review! *cracks knuckles* Let's get to it!
Nit-Picks:
There should be a comma after 'era'.
I do believe the comma should be a semicolon.
Add a comma after 'oh' and a question mark after 'end' to finish off that poem.
Emotion:
There was much more telling than showing the reader what you meant by things. There wasn't any description explaining how you really feel about losing this friend. Try and explain that hurt, sorrow, and loss that's situated with losing a friend. Is their happiness? Sadness? I don't know, so you'll just have to give us a good visual of it.
Content:
I don't really understand the lead-up to saying that you have to say good-bye to a friend. You don't really seem to follow the topic, and you do wander off a bit. Try and stay on task, because even though, I must say it was a good, quick read, it was somewhat hard to understand. Do this, and you'll be golden!
Length:
I was quite surprised by the length when I first saw it. I think you'd be much better off if more detail is added, because this is just begging for more!
Overall:
There's always room for improvement, so just stick with practicing! Practice makes perfect, so have fun with that, and I hope to see future poetry. Keep it up, and soon I'm sure you will be dishing out such great poetry it'll make other people's heads spin.
If you have a question, need help with something, or would like another review from me, feel free to drop me a PM anytime.
I really liked it
very facinating
very short precise and straight to the point
you needed to say one thing, and you said that one thing
you didn't ramble
you didn't not give enough information
you should be proud
very well done