This is for my (possibly) new story, Escaping Home. I'm not sure if I'll continue this or not- tell me if you think I should keep going with this idea.
Thanks, and I hope you like it!
-rissymay
The other guys always told me not to talk to the Dwellers, because if you do, they think they can be friends with you. If you speak one word to one of them or look at a Dweller for more than five seconds, they’ll clutch on to you and never let go, and you’ll be Taken with them. It’s always better to ignore them all, leave them sobbing and wetting their pants.
Today, a new arrival of Dwellers is coming in. We don’t get newbies that often- about once every few years. It’s never something the Natives enjoy- rather, something we absolutely despise. There’s less food; we have to fight for it more than we usually do, and all the Dwellers scream and cry their crazy words and theories. Some even have the audacity to talk to the Natives. Those are the ones who die first.
I’m trying to get as far away from the Entrance as possible, not wanting to deal with the newbies. The first day is always the worst.
As I walk over the land- all kinds of waste piled together- I hear a sort of shuffling noise behind a pile of trash that the Bosses dump in here. I stop.
It could be someone. Someone with food.
I pull out my stupid little weapon- a few long shards of glass tied together with leather strips- and crouch down, creeping towards the location of the sound. I’m completely silent, wondering who could be making so much noise.
I inhale a deep breath before sneaking around the pile of trash. I see a figure rush by, moving away from it.
My interest spiked, I follow the direction of the human. As I catch up, I realize that the person is a girl.
Strange. You don’t see many females around anymore.
I’m watching her, trying to get a good view of her face. As I’m studying her, I trip over a white piece of material, causing the piece to clatter to the ground. Swearing under my breath, I look up just as the girl is fleeing.
I stumble up to my feet and run after her. I’m much faster; living in the Prison for my entire life is the reason for my speed.
She’s Dweller, obvious by now. But she’s a smart one.
Unheard of.
The girl gives up and turns to face me. “Please! Stop!” tears streak down her dirt-covered cheeks, already filthy from the Prison.
“You’re one of the new arrivals, aren’t you?” I shoot the words out and ignore her plea, approaching her steadily. The young girl shrinks back and cowers from me, desperation filling every edge of her face.
“Why are you out here?” I continue to question her. “Why aren’t you off crying in a corner with your other friends?”
The girl’s jaw sets, and the desperation I saw seconds before is replaced with a raw determination to survive. It isn’t the face of a newbie Dweller- it’s the face of a Native.
“I know how the Prison works. I know how things operate in here. The only problem is that I haven’t experienced it.”
I laugh loudly, a wicked grin on my lips. “You’re damn right, you haven’t.”
She lifts her chin higher. I see her confidence growing, her stance becoming prouder. “It doesn’t mean I’m not ready to.”
I study her. I was born in the Prison. I’ve been here ever since then. And never, in my thirteen years of life, have I met an Outside-Dweller like her.
She was my friend from that day forward.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
hi wow this has been sitting in my review drafts forever...
I looove that ending.
I can't explain very well why, but I think it's a great idea that this is how you open your story. Still some exposition, still meeting characters, but you leave this little bit of character development up to the reader.
I think this can work very, very well-- if you make sure there is still lots more to come.
And, of course, don't make it just like Incarceron...
I feel like I had a ton more to say but perhaps I said it in person sometime.
I would have liked to know a bit more of exposition stuff, like how old the characters are and such. This is almost more of a teaser than a prologue...but I get it.
I feel like I'm repeating myself. Have I written this before and just lost the draft? Or thought it or dreamt it?
Hm. Well. I'm stumped. Brain fart.
Anyway, yeah, really cool stuff and stuff.
Uh...wow...I must be out of it tonight.
Keep writing! Yay!
Okay bye.
~iron.n
Hello, rissymay! Nice to see you up and about, welcome to Young Writers Society!
I have first some nitpicks to deliver, and then we'll get into the huge packages.
In this block, I think you shouldn't put spaces after those hyphens. Just something that makes your work look better, in my eyes. Also, you don't really need that semicolon, go ahead and replace it with a comma.
"We don’t get newbies that often- about once every few years. It’s never something the Natives enjoy- rather, something we absolutely despise. There’s less food; we have to fight for it more than we usually do, and all the Dwellers scream and cry their crazy words and theories."
Also, based on your past sentences including the word "Dweller", you should put an "a" before "Dweller". Makes it sound better, for readers.
"She’s Dweller, obvious by now."
Wow, the ending was pretty abrupt. So they were talking about the prison and how the narrator, whom I don't even know, was born there and the girl's a Native, and then the narrator is laughing at her, "wickedly", as you put it, and then the end says they were friends later on. Amazing how they can make friends so quickly.
I personally love how much thought it seems like you put into your piece. I definitely will try to read more, so I request a chapter one! Keep writing, rissymay!
-wisegirl22
Thanks. I do think in the end, when they became friends, I was just trying to wrap up the story quickly because I wasn't sure how to end it. Thanks for pointing that out to me.
Thank you for reviewing!
-rissy
You're very welcome!
I like it a lot! I want more, and soon. please.
I felt it was fairly dry. I want more description about the surroundings, what it smells like, and such.
I can't tell if the protagonist it a male or female. That bothers me a lot. Even in a prologue. You need to justify and charaterize the main character, otherwise it is harder for people to relate. And that is really important if you want to keep your audiance.
Good luck! and I'll be watching for more!
Thank you for your review! I'll try to work on that stuff when I keep writing this story. I think I just wanted a nice short preview to the story, so I didn't really make room for the description you talked about. But there will be more description in the next chapter. Well I hope.
Thanks again!
-rissy
*sighs heavily*
I wasn't going to do more reviews. I said, "Enough's enough, Serena. You have your own book to work on." But then I saw the first paragraph and was like, "Wait, no, this is good, you have to keep going!"
And here I am.
Hiya, Zly here, with that review thing that we love doing on this website! Obligatory speech about how I'm a nitpicker and probably going to nitpick things, talks about how much I love you, talks about how I only do it to make you a better writer, and break. Okay. Let's do this thing.
Let's just get the nitpicks out of the way so I can go on to what I like.
Oh, wait, did I mention? If editing something within the quotes, I use red and bolded. Be sure to look carefully. Sometimes it's punctuation.
My format:
I. Grammar
II. Comments
a. Praises
b. Tips
III. Ending Assessment
I.
In Word, it'll convert a space double dash to – . It will in Open Office too. But you probably shouldn't use that many dashes that close together.
Wordy. Suggest rewrite to just as the girl flees.
II.
a.
YOOOOOoOOOOO this is really good. This was a great idea, my friend. A group of people who grew up and live in what they call 'The Prison', and then every now and again, they get a new shipment of people? That's so nice. It raises so many questions. Why are they there? Who put them there? Etc. etc. I quite like this starter! Leaving out information is one of my favorite tools, and I'm glad I'm not the only one compounding on it.
b.
You could spare some more visual description. Just tell us where we are. Who we are. What the world looks like. But really, it's not bad enough to bother too much on.
III.
I love this idea! I also love this piece. Quite well written and, overall, quite a good idea. I'm excited to see where it goes!
Thank you so much for your review! I'm really getting a good idea of what I need to work on in the next chapter. Thank you thank you thank you!
-rissy
Hmm........well not bad, i just dont understand the concept of the story. It just seem a little dry, not to be mean or anything, i wish i have seen more of the person in the story, and who the girl should be huh? Whats her name? Whats her concept? How her home life?
I really think you can write more to the story and make it really good, dont get me wrong i love the story, but its a little dry.
But u did a good job, keep uo the work!! You will do fine and do great
well it's all kind of a preview or whatever- information is left out purposely, to be revealed later if I keep writing this or not.
thanks for your review!
You should keep writing it. I bet it will be so good to write and maybe publish it too.