A/N Please read the prologue first... it'll make more sense that way, I think.
Thanks for reading! Please review...
Samantha knows how to cook. I always praise her for this, because I have been eating carelessly burnt food ever since Adalia was Taken. It’s a wonderful bonus to having her around.
She’s been living in the Prison for two years now. She already knew a lot about the Prison- about the Natives and how they work- from her father. He was studying it or something before Samantha was captured, and her father escaped before he was put in the Prison. He left Samantha behind. She’s always sad about this, but I don’t really see the big deal about it. I guess I don’t really know what a father is like. That’s something that Samantha has never tried explaining.
Once every week, the Bosses dump their giant piles of wasted food into the center of the Prison. A good portion of it is rotten, but if you dig into it, you can find some decent meat. I’m the one that does that job, since one can be brutally killed while grabbing food from the pile. I bring whatever I get back to Samantha, and she makes it taste way better than it should.
We’re a pretty good team. She’s smarter than any Outside-Dweller I have ever met before- not that I have met that many, but she’s a lot smarter than I am. She’s always logical, where as I usually let my emotions take control.
We sit hunched over at the small fire we’ve made, eating quietly.
“You need to finish talking about the four seasons,” I tell her. “And weather.”
She looks at me until she remembers. “Oh. Right. What season we were on? Winter?”
I ponder it in. “The cold one? With… what did you call it? The white stuff that falls from the sky?”
“Snow?” she raises an eyebrow, a smile on her lips.
“Yeah,” I nod.
“And we did spring, summer, and fall, right?”
I nod again, silent.
“Okay,” Samantha exhales. She goes into explaining winter, and snow. Like the other seasons, this one confuses me, perhaps more than any other one. She keeps trying to describe “snow,” but of course I can’t picture it. I’m not that imaginative.
She finishes, and I give up on learning about these strange seasons. The Prison will always be my home, where there is no snow, no sun, no nature, just the Natives, the Dwellers, and the trash.
I yawn, lying down, tired from grabbing all the food I could today.
Samantha sits next to me, looking up at the distant ceiling of the Prison. She misses her outside world; I always see it in her face. She longs for it, the thing I’ll never understand. It’s why we’ll never be the same. Samantha knows so much about the world, and I’ve never been outside of the Prison. It’s the harsh difference between Dwellers and Natives.
She looks at me. I know she’s studying my face, and I look up at her.
“...I want to tell you about the stars,” she says slowly.
I blink, shaking my head. “The what?”
“Stars. I’ve told you about the moon… but not the stars.”
“...Okay then. Tell me.”
She shakes her head. “You have to understand… stars are the most beautiful things in the outside world. My dad and I used to look up at them and form constellations from them.”
I’m concerned by the sudden mention of Samantha’s father, but also more interested. “...Constellations?” I try pronouncing the new word.
“Yeah. I’ve told you about the night, and that’s where the stars are. They’re up in the sky, and they’re like little specks of light all over. They’re actually hot balls of gas billions of miles away. And they’re beautiful… people have made shapes from them, connected the stars, you know. They’re called constellations.”
“So why are they so important, if they’re just specks in the sky?”
“They’re something my dad and I shared. We always looked at the stars. And the stars will always be there for me. And I… I wanted to share them with you. They’re special. Do you understand that?” her voice is soft, and I have a feeling she’s been waiting to tell me this for a long time.
“...Yeah,” I lie, because of course I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything she talks about in the Outside world because I haven’t seen it for myself. I don’t understand why the stars are important or what they do.
To my surprise, Samantha reaches for my hand and holds it in hers as she lies down. “Thank you,” she whispers, and her voice is softer than I’ve ever heard it before.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Escaping Home: Chapter TwoPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
cassaundra here with a review,
I thought that this was a good first chapter. I did not read the prologue so that's possibly a reason why it did not make sense as much as it should have. I like how well you described their relationship in the prison. I think that it flowed quite well. Now here are some opinions of mine and some connections that I would like to share.
•the stars
This part hit me because I love the stars. I did not realize this until a little while ago. When she was explaining the world of stars and how beautiful they were I completely understood how she felt about them. I find the stars beautiful too.
•one mistake•
I only noticed one mistake and that was here
"what season we were on?"
I think you meant to say it like this
"what season were we on?"
Besides that good job so far
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
While reading this I was thinking that it has to be that he is either an underground person, or has been inside his entire life. Sheltered, most likely. 
I loved, loved, loved, how you had this girl (whoever she is; honestly I'm confused right now) explain to him about the stars, moon and basically the layout of the heavens. And then in the end she goes to sleep with his hand in hers. That was just cuuute.
Lots of us enjoy talking about it. Basically what showing is would be... Let's say you want us to know that your character is scared. Telling is saying "So and so was scared." Showing is giving an example, such as, " A knot of fear boiled in his stomach, and he swallowed hard." That kinda thing. You give an example of it. So an example from this work would be We're a pretty good team. Show us that they are a good team, don't just tell us. Telling gets nowhere, as it rarely excites emotion in the reader, where showing (depending on the circumstance) always does. Here's a link that should help]
I saw your author's note that said to please read the prologue, but I can't seem to find it anywhere in your portfolio! I was wondering if it was perhaps invisible? If so, please tell me so that I can go and read it to make sense of this.
Mainly I can't understand why she is explaining the stars and moon to him. I'd assume I'm missing out on something here, and that's got to be in the prologue that I'm missing out on.
While I adored how you had them explaining the stars and everything to him, there was just too much info at the beginning . Mainly just the first four paragraphs; the rest is fine in my eyes. The first four paragraphs, got honestly, quite boring. They were just a bit of an info dump. I know info dumps are hard to avoid when doing the first draft, so I wouldn't really worry about it until later on. Just focus on getting it out for the most part. Regardless of it not being a that big of a deal, I'd still suggest making sure that you keep an eye out on this one little problem. Info dumping just hands a ton of information over to the reader without any sense or order, and doesn't excite anything in them! When giving information, you have to subtle and soft about it. No saying things directly outwards, but feeding it to them little bits at a time. When writing it out, read through it when you're done with the eyes and mind of a reader and see if you think it's too much information. It might help a bit.
One other thing that would also help with keeping it interesting and suspenseful, would be to work on showing and not telling. That's one thing that YWS'ers typically will get onto you most for.
This is just a mild suggestion that I think you can think about for the future. Why not use said as a dialogue tag more? I notice that you mainly use ones like you have here. Said is thought to be overused a lot, but it truly isn't. Tags like exhaled and the like kinda break up the flow, where as said kinda just runs by as if it were a period. Just something to think about. ^ ^
This is mainly opinion as it's technically okay. I think it would be better to not have an ellipsis directly before your dialogue. An ellipsis presents a trailing off, yes, but here it seems to make it look a wee bit sloppy. Don't get me wrong; the writing is good, but the constant use of the ellipsis doesn't look very nice.
*cough cough* I don't wanna go all science geek over you, but this is technically not true. Stars light years away, and one light year is six trillion miles away. Just a thought.
Alright, I think that's the end of the nitpicks! I'd have to say that if you work on the show and don't tell in the first part mainly, and then the info dumping, then this will be pretty much flawless. This has a beauty to it that can't be undermined. I actually love the stars and basically everything about cosmology, but this was described in a completely non-scientific sense. But it was done so well! It was done in a way that seemed like you had something mythical for the storyline up your sleeve or something. Let me know about the prologue and post the next chapter soon!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Hey!
But I'm sure that's just cause I didn't read it! 
Good luck with editing and keep up the good work!!!
Your doing good, its a very interesting start to a book and it definitely make you want to keep reading! I couldn't mind the prologue so I wasn't able to read it! So I'm not going to comment on how confusing this was at first...
"She looks at me. I know she’s studying my face, and I look up at her." So I feel like you should change the wording on this a little! Maybe putting the last part right before "I know she is studying my face" The way it is worded now isn't flowing nice!
Great job with this! Im looking forward to reading more!
cool! thanks for the review
hai.
Not that I think you will, I just want to see something original.
my suggestions will be mostly general today...as in, I'm not going to pick out certain sentences I want you to change. I feel that is not quite my position. I'm reviewing, not editing every word I'd write differently.
So I agree with TeaLeaf, I think description is a big must. Especially when describing characters- I understand if you don't want to expose the details of the setting to readers right now. But it leaves the readers wondering...what do the characters look like? How old are they? Is Samantha an old woman, or would she and your MC be shipped majorly by fans?
It's well-written and all that, but you've got to get audiences interested, too.
I like the idea of their discussions. Something of a give/receive relationship. She teaches this MC of the outside world in return for...companionship? I suppose we'll find out.
I imagine it could be hard to write from the perspective of one who has never heard of or experiences things as simple as seasons. That's the one big issue with writing stories like this. I hope you make it work. Because sometimes there are thoughts and feelings authors just can't grasp onto and display to do justice.
This reminds me lots of Incarceron...please please don't make it a copy
I see lots of potential in this story. It seems cool.
This will make up for the review I never finished for your prologue.
Heh.
Best of luck to you,
~iron.n
Thanks bro. Perhaps, as my plan to leave out some details from the start to make the reader more interested, I have left out too much information? *sigh* another writing difficulty. (the last one I overcame was that chapters don't all have to be the exact same length... it was that stupid thing I wasn't realizing until one day... boom. you're an idiot, marissa.)
Yes, it will be interesting to write... *gazes upon the future and sees lots and lots of rewriting*
No, this will not be like Incarceron... Incarceron is about a prison that talks... not creative enough to think of an idea that awesome *sobs* he's just gonna escape it... not talk to it...
Did you even read the prologue?
-rissy
yes, marissa, for the last time i read it XD
Hello. My name is TeaLeaf. I am going to review your chapter.
This is going to be a quick review as I am off to bed soon.
First things first, I have very much enjoyed reading your chapters so far. Your protagonist is an intriguing character and I have found myself wanting to read and learn more about him. You seem to know him very well and I am able to connect with him easily. Samantha too, is also an interesting character. I would love to find out more about her past, and why she was captured and taken to the Prison. Your plot line is gripping and engrossing, and you have created an entirely different world that I have not encountered before.
The only element that I would suggest that you work on is your description. You have not provided a description as to what the Prison looks like, where they are in the Prison nor of the characters. I am finding it difficult to generate an image of the surroundings in the Prison and to build a picture of the characters. Also, you have mentioned the Dwellers and the Natives several times. Perhaps you could tell readers more about them? Describe them more? You might want to build and define them more. Other than that, I could not find any grammar, spelling or punctuation mistakes.
It is a good story and I think that you should keep working on it.
- TeaLeaf
Thanks! So, describing the setting and stuff more? I have put a lot of thought into the characters, but I haven't thought about the setting as much. Thanks for that tip- that really helps.
Thank you so much for reviewing!
-rissy