I have my home
and it makes me sing.
I've had lovers
and my share of kissing.
I feel safe most of the time.
I'm honest, never once committed a crime.
But in the breeze of fall and cold
something scares me and I feel dying old.
I eat too much,
I get to sleep.
I don't need meds
and my depression is weak.
Life rubs me off good,
I just got a job.
I don't care for insults,
I just let them drop.
But in the breeze of fall and cold
Something scares me and I feel dying old.
Could you tell me when this anxiety leaves?
Till then I close my eyes
as the darkness is growing and creeps.
So let's count the minutes and hope for the best
'cause that's sometimes the only thing we have left.
I'll be sitting here and waiting
till my legs can work again.
I'll have to count to ten,
I'll have to count to ten.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Welcome to YWS! Let's talk poetry, friend. c:
I'm not a big fan of the rhyming; it feels kind of forced and I think this piece would fare better without it. This is not to say that all rhyming is bad; in fact, rhyming poetry can be stunning if written well. But here's a piece of advice: whenever you want an established rhyme-pattern in your poetry, A] Do not force it out. If the rhyme comes naturally and doesn't lead to awkward phrasing, sure, go for it. And B] Ask yourself what you're trying to convey; is it necessary for a powerful poem to rhyme? If it jars the flow, I don't believe it is.
Your beginning feels rather shallow and it does not lay a good foundation for the rest of the poem. The emotion is barely touched upon and I can't really feel it. Why does home make the narrator sing? Why is home so important that you've mentioned it first? I can't feel the idea of the safety-net that yore trying to procure here. Its intangible and this bothers me, and I think you could make the beginning stronger. It's extremely light, which sticks out greatly because the rest of your poem is like a polar opposite to its beginning.
The second stanza is just odd.'dying old'? The phrasing is odd and the rhyme is forced and it is not a strong way of linking to the second half of your poem. You repeat it again as well, like a chorus, but it doesn't leave much of an impression because it's rather weak. You can do much better than this!
I like the last stanza; it was lovely, dark, and thrilling. It's actually where your poem came together as an entirety and the emotion pieces together very well. Just make this emotion more prevalent in the rest of your poem and you're good to go!
Hope this helped~ Hit me up if you need anything.
Keep it up! Keep writing!
~Pomp
Hello! I will be reviewing your poem today.
First off this is kind of a sad piece to me. The narrator goes from remembering the old days to the present. Kind of like when a person is dying and their life flashes before their eyes.
Anyway on to the actual piece!
First, I see no errors in your grammar. Yay!
The second thing I see is that some of your lines do not start with a capital letter. Just go through and change those. Easy fix, ya?
The third thing I noticed, is that some of your rhymes seem forced. For example:
Job and drop don't exactly rhyme, so it throws off the rhythm of the poem. Same thing goes for best and left. I'm not sure how to rework those lines to convey the same emotions and ideas, but those are the only flaws I see.
Either way it is up to you to make changes. You are the author after all! I am off.
My favorite line is life rubs me off good. Its like you're just a thin layer that life can rub off. Love the piece a lot.
Awesome poem!
review. hopeful. this piece has a lot to offer. thanks for touching hearts