sorry it took me soo long to edit!! i've been really busey! about the too much info thing... i don't know what to take out.. rather i can't deside what to take out! sorry!
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Once long ago, inside the realms all the magical beings got along. The goblin queen and the fairy queen got along exceptionally well. Even though they were different they were best friends. Queen Rusella and Queen Moranna were both preparing to welcome new babies. Prince Maori and Prince Oberon were greatly welcomed into the realms by everyone. The princes were brought together often, hoping they would develop the same friendship that their mothers had. The princes had become fond of each other.
Before Prince Maori’s eighth birthday, his mother got very sick with an incurable disease. Although every great mage was brought from afar, nobody could help the great goblin queen. She died a week after Prince Maori’s birthday. After the Queen’s sorrowful death Prince Maori had nothing to do with Queen Moranna or her faithful son. When he reached the age of sixteen, Prince Maori was crowned king of goblins. He was still angry for his mother’s death. And was determined to fill his mother’s shoes. King Maori passed a law that all fairies will remain in their part of the realm as well as the goblins. He made a magical barrier so no one could pass through unless given permission to.
King Maori developed a hate for the royal fairy family. He figured that Queen Moranna made his mother get sick, so she could take over the realm. The King started to train goblins as warriors and he started to plot his revenge. There came a time where King Maori needed to find a wife. That was a key part of his revenge. He traveled out of the realm to look for a human. He couldn’t be seen as the goblin that he was, so he changed himself to a grown human man. King Maori was only there a month when he fell madly in love with a human girl very close to his age. They wed the human way, in a chapel. Soon after they wed, King Maori persuaded his wife to come back with him. Nine months after their arrival the King was blessed with a tiny daughter. Soon after his daughter was born, he banished his wife to the human world once again. After he did that she could never enter the realm again.
His plot of revenge was finally complete, he had a daughter with a brain of a human and the powers of a goblin. If he trained her properly, he could get rid of the fairy queen and rule over the realm. But little did he know his plans were being watched. Prince Oberon had been watching what the king was doing. Once he learned of his plans the Prince went straight to his mother. The Queen decided that tiny Princess Titania would have to be removed from her home. Only 6 months old, Princess Titania was taken from her home and placed in a human home. The humans had a sick child that wasn’t expected to live. The Queen thought she was doing them a favor by giving them a child that would live, and removing the sickly one and leaving it in the place of the Princess.
It was believed that the king was deeply hurt of the loss of his daughter. For King Maori never realized that the child that died wasn’t his. Thirteen years later Queen Moranna still watched the Princess from afar.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Great editing.
Love the work (as always)
I don't know this just might only be me, but whose son was it again who was put in the human home?
I'm still waiting for that hotmail by the way.
can't wait......................................................................................................................................................................
Ha ha ha, I agree with everyone too. Paragraph, paragraph, paragraph. But I'm sure you know that by now. I do like the names that you've put in here. They sound so...Fantasy-ish? Well, you get the point. You have a great storyline!!!
Good luck,
Raye
I agree with the readers above me. Try to space it out so it's easier to read and tell less and show more. This piece seemed a bit like an info-dump more of a summary rather than a story. I think you should just go ahead with the story with the character's rather than starting out tell the reader the whole plot. Other than that your plot is interesting and I would read more. The fight between the goblins and faeries seems rather original.
I would have to agree with the posters before me. Your story is interesting but it's like you're just narrating it. We can't see how the characters interact with each other. You could also try making paragraphs out of the text so that it would be easier to the eyes of future readers. Were some scenes cut out? I'm asking because there are some instances wherein you were narrating something then the subject would suddenly switch to another. But then again, I'm not really sure because I've only started writing this year but I hope that what I said helps.
I would have to agree with the posters before me. Your story is interesting but it's like you're just narrating it. We can't see how the characters interact with each other. You could also try making paragraphs out of the text so that it would be easier to the eyes of future readers. Were some scenes cut out? I'm asking because there are some instances wherein you were narrating something then the subject would suddenly switch to another. But then again, I'm not really sure because I've only started writing this year but I hope that what I said helps.
I have to say the same thing. So, I will tell you in my own words. :D
1. I agree. maybe put it in paragraphs. That would be better to the eyes, and then it might look longer too
2. a little to much info. If this is just a preface, I would keep some information for the rest of the story.
3. Describe it a little more. Tell more about the characters. Give some dialog. It would make the story more fun to read.
Anyway these were just suggestions. But, I think you have a great story line. Go for it!
-- M.B.Author
The story s really intereseting and i can't wait to see how everything turns out. Post more!! You might want to divide your writing into paraghraphs. Maybe you can show the whole plot in an other way. Perhaphs bits of conversation between people???
waiting for the rest. looks very interesting!
Telling not showing! Work on it!!! Describe the realm and its characters. Give some details about the rulers' history.
Please paragraph this, it is just a block of text and very hard on the eyes.
This story seems like it gives out way too much information. It would be better if you just went straight into the story, instead of swamping your reader in so much information.