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Young Writers Society



Secrets Of The Goblin King Chapter Two

by ringettegirl


CHAPTER TWO

Evan woke with a start. She rolled over to shut off her alarm. She didn’t want to go to school today. What she didn’t want to do is see Colleen, Amy or Ricky. What she did want to do was to go back in the woods and try to find that creature that had made her finger bleed and her parent’s worry.

When she came home from the woods her parent’s were angrier with her than worried. Her finger swelled up like a balloon. That made her parents even angrier with her for not telling them that she was hurt. It didn’t help that they grounded her for a week because she was late by five minutes and she was out in the dark, alone. To Evan it didn’t make that much of a difference because now that the chill was starting to set in she had no desire to go into the woods. She was now ten minutes behind her usual schedule. She had to quickly get dressed and brush her teeth. Evan practically ran down the stairs. She gulped her down cereal. Kissed her mom goodbye and ran the six blocks to school. She made it just as the warning bell rang. Evan hurried off to class.

“Where have you been? You’re not normally late for class Evan,” Ricky whispered through the principal’s announcements.

“I… fell… back… asleep…” Evan managed to rasp.

“I thought you weren’t coming today.”

“Now why would I miss class today? You know I can’t stand homework. I though I was in for another detention. But thank the saints for…”

“Miss Clover and Miss Mill would you care to share with the class what you were talking about?”

“ No Ma’am,” The girls replied in union.

Evan could feel the heat starting to rise to her cheeks. She hated when the teacher made her blush, being confronted in the middle of class with all the eyes on you. Today Evan couldn’t keep her mind off the creature, or how the terror reflected in its eyes. She felt mad that she had scared the thing off and that it had stabbed her. Her finger wasn’t as swollen but it still hurt to write. For some reason Evan was looking forward to break that morning though she had no idea why. She knew right off that Cory was going to torment her today. But maybe if she stuck to her friends Cory wouldn’t bug her. Evan had just finished her last math problem when the break bell rang.

“ Hey Collie wait up!” Evan spotted Colleen making her way to the doors, “Sorry for yesterday I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I just didn’t like that Cory got me a detention because she spilt white out over her new binder. Forgive me?”

“Evan when will you get it through that thick head of yours? I forgave you the minute I realized you weren’t in the best of moods,” Colleen gave her friend a quick hug.

“ So are you ready to work on science tonight?”

“ Ya. I forgot about the project sorry I brushed you off yesterday.”

“ I already told you that I forgive you.”

“ See how short minded I am,” Evan said with a giggle.

“ No Kidding!” Colleen giggled with Evan.

They went out into the schoolyard. Evan saw her first. But Colleen mumbled for them to maybe just stay hidden in the crowd so Cory wouldn’t see them. Colleen spoke to soon. Evan felt dread wash over her as she watched Cory make her way toward them.

“Hi Evan. How are you?”

God Cory, just leave me alone. I’ve done nothing to deserve this torment! Anger gnawed at the pit of her stomach.

“Come on Evan,” Colleen urged as she glared at Cory, “ We don’t have anything to say to her.” Colleen said it more to Evan then Cory. She tugged on her arm. But Evan didn’t budge.

“I don’t have anything to say to you Cory.”

“ Yes you do. I can see it in your eyes. Evangeline.” Cory sneered.

That did it. Evan hated it when people said her real name especially Cory. Cory said her name to just make her more upset but that’s not what Cory got. Evan wished that she could just slap Cory so hard that she would just go reeling.

“You snob! You just say my real name to make me upset, but you’re in for a surprise. Just to let you know it didn’t make me upset it made me angry. I’m going to tell you what I think of you Cory Oakley! I think you’re a snob that gets her own way all the time, and if you don’t, you cry. You’re a spoiled brat that gets what you want when you want it. Just to let you know I’m not going to bow down to you ever. You think you have all these friends, when every one in the class thinks your nothing but something scraped off the bottom of our boots! When I say I’ve got nothing to say, you will stay out of my way. Another thing, I will never take the blame for something I didn’t do ever again!” Cory looked as if she’d just been slapped. She stumbled backwards as if trying to regain her balance from the blow. Her right cheek went a scarlet red. Cory glared at her. Evan turned in the opposite direction and went with Colleen.

“Holy cow Evan! I didn’t think you had that all stored up inside of you.”

“ Shows what you know,” Evan replied with a grin.

“ I mean when you slapped Cory!” Colleen grinned, “ I didn’t think you would ever do such a thing!”

“Collie, I didn’t hit her.” Evan replied puzzled.

“Then why did it look like it?”

“ Did you hear the sound when skin meets with skin? And it makes that sound? Because I didn’t!”

“ Ya, nor did I. Strange.”

“ No kidding.”

They found Ricky and Amy by the soccer field, playing two-hand touch football. To Evan two hand touch was the most rotten way to play football. She preferred tackle. Evan enjoyed watching the boy’s faces when they got hurt or tackled by a girl. But the only problem is when you tackle them they come up from behind you and tackle you right back.

“Hey you guys guess what?”

“What?”

“You won’t believe what Evan just did!” Colleen boasted.

Evan blushed at her friend’s excitement.

“WHAT!” Her friends where getting impatient.

“ She just told off the queen before she could torment Evan!” Colleen beamed as if it where her that told Cory off. She left out the part where she thought Evan slapped Cory. Everyone looked stunned. To Evan’s horror everyone stared to cheer and applaud. What was wrong with these people? Even the boys were cheering. It felt like she were the only one that noticed Cory’s presence on the out side of the crowd. She didn’t look very happy. Her cheek had lost some of its colour, but it was still a bright red. The ‘ in group’ stopped with Cory.

“What’s going on?” came Cory’s sharp voice.

At that precise moment everything went silent. One of the boy’s answered Cory’s question.

“Nothing Cory,” Tyson answered.

“Ya… there is nothing going on Cory.” Robert answered almost sounding like Tyson’s echo.

“ Well then why does everybody have a smirk on their faces?”

This time it was Evan’s turn to answer her question.

“ We all have smirks on our faces because we’re not going to be your slaves anymore, or bow down to you. Is a free country and we don’t need to be governed by Miss Priss or the snob that you are."

And to Evan’s surprise everybody voiced their opinions and gathered behind her back. Evan the ‘in group’ voiced what they thought of her. Then went to stand beside Evan.

“ Fine!” Cory shrieked. With tears streaming down her cheeks smudging her makeup, she went to the teacher on yard duty and stalked inside.

For the rest of the break Evan and her friends played tackle football in spite of what the teacher said. Evan decided that this was going to be the best day of her life! That is until she got home that night.

Just as she walked in the door she was greeted with the high pitch sound of her mother’s voice. Hearing that voice Evan knew she was in trouble.“ Evangeline Elizabeth Ann Clover! What makes you think you have the nerve to make Cory cry and go home because of it?” her mother yelled. “ And to think you slapped her?!”

“Look mom I …”

“Don’t even try to talk yourself out of a punishment young lady! You had no right to hit her!”

“ But…”

“ No buts about it!”

“Why don’t you listen to me and my side of the story! Before you jump to conclusions?” Evan yelled.

“Grounded for a month,” her mother answered tartly.

Evan was really close to just losing it. She tried so hard to control her temper. “What about my science project?”

“You’ll fail for all I care if you have to go from this house or property!” When she herd her mother say that, she couldn’t control her temper anymore. Her grades were the world to her mother, and to think she’d say that? She stormed up to her room and closed her door. Even though she didn’t slam her door, every picture on the wall fell and shattered. Evan didn’t care right at the moment. She had flames shooting out the top of her head and steam exploding from her ears, she was so angry. But even though she was angry she still wondered why each and every picture fell off the wall. When she didn’t slam her door. She was a bit hungry, but with the mood that she was in she didn’t feel like eating.

***

It was well after seven before her mother knocked softly.“ Evangeline, honey can I come in?”

“No, go away! I don’t even want to talk to you!” Evan snapped. Her mother came in anyway. She closed the door behind her and sat on her bed. Evan didn’t even look up from her book she was reading at her desk. For some time there was a thick

silence after her mother entered. Evan was the first to break it.“ What do you want?” she asked more bitterly then she intended.

“ Well I guess you’re more upset then I thought you were.”

“Ya well maybe you should think harder then that when it comes to Cory! And my grades!”

“ I didn’t get the hole story. I …”

“ Then why don’t you be like dad and get all the facts before you blame me for everything! Jeez Mom! You know I really hate it when you take sides with the person that has no right to call my house and give my mom the news before I do! I was having a really good day before I got home and got a tongue lashing from the one that I thought would be really proud of me!” Evan was really mad now. She really didn’t care that she was yelling at her mom. “And by the way I didn’t hit Cory!”

“ You know I think you need to cool down a lot more than I thought you needed! I only came up here to apologize for what I did! By the way Cory didn’t call, the principal did so maybe you should take some of your advice and get all of the facts before you jump to conclusions!” Evan could tell that her mom was really mad now. Evan really felt upset more then mad. She felt tears sting the back of her eyelids. She tried to blink them back. But she couldn’t do it. Hot salty tears started to fall like bombs down her cheeks. She looked away from her mom embarrassed that she lost the fight, and that she was crying in front of her. “ Awe, Sweetie come here.”

Evan moved across her room to her mom’s embrace.

“Awe, Honey don’t cry please.”

“ Mom I’m sorry for getting mad at you. I just … I mean… I thought you would be proud of me. I didn’t think you would… well yell at me like the way you did when I stepped in the door.”

“ I’m sorry too, but like I said I didn’t have the whole story. I just had what the principal told me. And to hear that my little girl, the kind the sweet loving little girl would hit a person I was shocked!” Her mom put her forefinger and thumb under Evan’s chin and lifted her head up so she could see her whole face instead of the top of her head. “I’m sorry.”

“ I’m sorry too mom.” Evan felt better now that she had apologized to her mom. She broke the embrace. “ Mom.”

“Yes?”

“ I … um… I didn’t get any supper so… can we go down stairs and get some please? I’m really hungry!” Her mom smiled and took her hand and went down to the kitchen to warm up some left over spaghetti for Evan’s dinner.

***

Evan’s dad didn’t get home until 10:00 pm that night. She was the first to fill him in on what he had missed out on. She even told him about the big dispute that she and her mom had had earlier. Her dad was very proud of her for telling off Cory. He wasn’t too happy about the principal calling because Cory wanted her mommy since Evan, the one she was least expecting it from, told her off.

“ Twice in one day too! By golly Evan I had no clue that you could do it! And the whole class stood up to her too eh?”

“Yup!”

“I’m real proud of ya Sweetheart! And I’ll bet your mom is too!”

“Yes I’m really proud of you honey! We knew that you had it in you, it’s just that you had to find your courage to do it first.”

Evan beamed.

“ But I do think it’s time for a little girl of mine to go to bed because it’s nearly 11:00 pm. Also you have school tomorrow.”

“ Okay. Love you both.”

“We love you too sweetheart.”

Once in her room Evan turned on her lava lamp and stereo and set it on sleep mode. Once cozy under the covers she wondered what would happen tomorrow. She wondered if Cory would bug her anymore, if the principal would get her in trouble.

While she was laying awake thinking about the events that might happen, a thought flooded her mind. She’d forgotten all about the strange creature that she met in the woods. She wondered if the thing was okay out in the cold. Evan went to her windows and pulled up the blinds. It was snowing! Instead of feeling happy that it was snowing, or praying that it would snow enough that school would be cancelled Evan hoped that the little creature was warm enough and not freezing its tiny butt off.

***

Tizzy was so cold and frightened. Her wing was ripped because of the cold, fast, falling white specks thundering down from the heavens and landing on everything.

Tizzy was sitting on top of something wet and cold that felt somewhat like a tree branch. She didn’t dare move because she was afraid of falling and hurting her self more then what was already done. She could see light in the distance but it kept fading in and out of focus. Her head felt as heavy as a rock. Her back and wings hurt from the fall she had taken when her left wing ripped. Tizzy’s teeth started to chatter in spite of the spell she cast upon her self so she would keep warm. Blackness started to enclose her vision. She laid her head down on the hard surface. She took one last look at her surroundings before the darkness enveloped her whole body.

***


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Wed Oct 10, 2007 6:18 am
SeraphTree wrote a review...



Okay... you do a lot of telling instead of showing.

Evan woke with a start. She rolled over to shut off her alarm. She didn’t want to go to school today. What she didn’t want to do is see Colleen, Amy or Ricky. What she did want to do was to go back in the woods and try to find that creature that had made her finger bleed and her parent’s worry

You can take care of this in one sentence:

Evan smacked the alarm clock away, her mind a flurry of the night before.

Colleen, Amy and Ricky shouldn't be mentioned.

When she came home from the woods her parent’s were angrier with her than worried.
(Should be: her parents were more angry than worried.)

Her finger swelled up like a balloon. That made her parents even angrier with her for not telling them that she was hurt. It didn’t help that they grounded her for a week because she was late by five minutes and she was out in the dark, alone. [/u]

This doesn't make sense. Five minutes late? Earlier she went outside and her parents didn't notice or care, so it seemed.

To Evan it didn’t make that much of a difference because now that the chill was starting to set in she had no desire to go into the woods. She was now ten minutes behind her usual schedule. She had to quickly get dressed and brush her teeth. Evan practically ran down the stairs. She gulped her down cereal. Kissed her mom goodbye and ran the six blocks to school. She made it just as the warning bell rang. Evan hurried off to class.

You need to work on your transition here. It leaves us feeling confused. The bold sentences should be combined.

“Where have you been? You’re not normally late for class Evan,” Ricky whispered through the principal’s announcements.
“I… fell… back… asleep…” Evan managed to rasp.
“I thought you weren’t coming today.”
“Now why would I miss class today? You know I can’t stand homework. I though I was in for another detention. But thank the saints for…”
“Miss Clover and Miss Mill would you care to share with the class what you were talking about?”


This isn't clear. If you have a conversation between people, just write what they say. ie:
"Where have you been? You're not normally late for class, Evan."
"I... fell asleep..."


You don't have to use "he said/she said" all the time :)

Today Evan couldn’t keep her mind off the creature, or how the terror reflected in its eyes.

You can nix the first part of the sentence. The description of the second part is what is interesting.

I'm not going to go through all your work at the moment, because I think you get the idea ^-^

My suggestion...
Try to visualize what you want to say. Try putting yourself in your characters skin. Make that what you feel, when you write.

I'm sorry if my crit seemed aggressive. I can see that you have great potential, and I want you to develop it :D :D :D :D:D





I think I have thankfully avoided being quoted.
— Lavvie