Chapter One
“Elise! Elise come here! Oh please, I need your help.” Pauline cried from her dorm room down the hall.
I sighed. All I wanted was a little time to myself. I got up off my bed and checked my reflection in the vanity mirror. Smiling to myself I trudged out into the hall. Pauline can wait just take your time. I pretended to study the beige wall.
“Elise!”
I stepped up the pace knowing full well what Pauline wanted. I’m in for a lecture about her essay I did last night, the history project I did last week and the science lab report I did on Monday. I sighed and collected myself just before I stepped into her room. “Yes?” I looked down at the gray carpet.
“I got my mark back for the history project. Guess what I got?” she paused for only a second, “oh that was silly of me! I got perfect! But after class Miss Marbourogh pulled me aside. Can you guess what she wanted? She wants to know why I sound so smart on paper and so stupid off paper. Next time can you make the project sound more like me?” Pauline glared at me. Although I wasn’t looking at her I could feel it.
“Yes Pauline.” Short to the point answers El. Give her what she wants to hear.
“I also got my science lab back. I got 87%, and I’d like to know why.” That same glare bore into the top of my head.
“Pauline, most of your observations-” I spoke softly, but she cut me off with a wave of her hand.
“Whatever. Next time I want in the nineties please.” She smiled ruefully, “I want to say that Mrs. Pendergast was very pleased with my essay this morning.” I nodded. “Elise my math work is on my desk. The assignment is in the textbook, pages 142-146. All of the questions are due tomorrow.” She smiled, “ I hope you have a wonderful night at the concert tonight.” She laughed, “ Oh that was silly of me! Now you can’t go, because you have my math assignment to do. And it better be done correctly this time!” she turned away from me to look in her mirror. “Well what are you waiting for? Be off!”
I scurried over to her desk and picked up the pile of papers and the textbook. I hurried out of the room. When I reach the safety of my room I dumped Pauline’s books on my desk. I quickly rushed to close my door. Sighing I managed to keep the tears from escaping down my cheeks. Taking a shaky breath I settled down at my desk to start on my English essay that was due next Tuesday and had a go at Pauline’s math assignment.
***
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
So far it's looking good, but I don't feel I've seen enough of the story to make a proper assessment. However, just a few things I need to point out;
Why is she being so polite, saying 'Oh please, I need your help' when she's just going to snap at her? It may be something about the character I'm missing, though.
Why is she smiling? Again, I may be missing something but a moment earlier she was obviously irritated.
Needs a comma between 'wait' and 'just' or separate it into two sentences.
So far there's been little or no proper description, which would have been nice. However, suddenly, there's a mention of the 'beige wall'; mentioning the colouring doesn't seem relevant (the same thing is repeated later with 'the gray carpet'). My advice would be to either describe the scene in a detailed manner (which would really give you some leeway to wow the readers with some powerful descriptive language) or don't do it all; either way is fine, but throwing in odd, unrelated scraps of information every now and again just seems a little tacky.
A very nice piece of language. It would be even better if it was expanded a little bit though, such as 'although I wasn't looking at her, I could feel her eyes burning into my flesh' or similar.
Needs a comma between 'short' and 'to', and also between 'answers' and 'El'.
I got my science lab back? Since I come from a different country it may be missing the point of some local lingo, but doesn't 'lab' in this context mean laboratory?
Ruefully means regretfully... Pauline seems very unrepentant about her treatment of Elise so there seems nothing really to be regretful about. Are you sure you haven't confused this with anoher word?
Comma.
Lop off the 'tonight' bit, or change it to 'have a wonderful time'. Otherwise, the word night is repeaed twice in the same sentence.
Shouldn't this be 'reached'? Also the word room is repeated twice in quick succession.
It would be good to split this into two separate sentences to give the reader time to breathe.
I'm not criticising this; I think it's an excellent start and just needs a little polishing. I feel you should also explain why Elise is doing this work for Pauline, unless it's covered in later chapters. Aside from a few nagging points, very well done!
Dan