Young Writers Society

Ah, don't be. It's an easy, and horrible habit to fall into when using all lowercase, especially on any forum. But for the Grammatically Isane *cough* we have to fluff up, and speak.

To break the habit, if you'd like, just practice the grammar. Even in the chatroom. For me, it's now automatic - even on AIM Instant Messages.

Hmm, okay, sorry... I guess I'm just used to that more (unless I'm writing--in which case I'm still spoiled, 'cause if I lowercase an "I" it'll automatically correct it. Sorry.)

Woz-

Since this is a writing website, and you're editing someone's piece, perhaps it would help the writer to gently push them forward if their editor saw them using correct grammar.

i agree with Saint (Razorblade), it's a bit rushed...it's not exactly my style of writing with the "colonial" sort of thing, but it wasn't bad. the first paragraph needs more detail--of the headstone, of the graveyard, and also of the emotions. i liked the "chose to forget" sentence.

the second paragraph was okay, but i think that it needs a LOT more detail. what do the horses look like? her husband and kids? the cart? how big was it? how many horses? lots more detail there.

the third paragraph was awesome, especially the last bit "if anyone's willing to listen..."

keep writing! this was good.....i'd like to read more

The Woz

Thinking it over, for someone that might have never been in one, allow me to prepare and equip you with knowledge. After all, knowledge is power!

Come, come! Let's see those headstones.



Aged 11 years and 3 months.

[img][img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v622/raizenhell/Headstones/burnedinthedwelling.jpg[/img]

Mehitable
...burned to death by the burning of their dwelling.
(Pay special attention to the dates, since the era you're attempting takes place I presume, in the early to mid 1800's).






Behold& See as you pass by
As you are now so once was I
As I am now so must be.
Prepare for Death & follow me.

*

Last picture, I know, is in the late 1700's but if the setting ends up as the early 1800's, those who were born in the 18th Century; I often see them cling to the old Puritan beliefs as this stone has. So, their mindset might still be locked in the Revolutionary days depending how early your setting is.

The stone regarding Mehitable; having a house burn down was not an uncommon tragedy. Log cabins were especially susceptible, but not for the obvious reason. The old, stone stove (gas stoves hadn't been invented to my knowledge until the turn of the century or the very late 1800's), wasn't exactly used safely but carelessly. Typically, most households never put a "gate" or some means to stop coal from accidentally rolling onto a flammable surface, such as a wood floor, and at night when everyone was asleep, most households kept the fire going, or never put the coals out. After all, fire was their only means of heat, and respiratory infections were also a common illness. So, why put the fire out? No one enjoys bitter cold.

Regards to the first stone, that is metal, a lot can be said about it. Firstly, how did the child die so young? And, I don't usually see cast iron as a headstone. Richer families will have marble or granite and more intricate writing on their stones, poorer, slate, and a few lines, like the last picture. So for me, it suggests that this family thought an iron stone would better stand the tests of time, and, their daughter would be remembered.

See? A cemetery is a museum. You, I hope, got a taste of how difficult lives were before the mid 20th Century hit. People died, and very easily, especially during child birth. Their immune systems were weaker, and their diet; most cases was atrocious.

Best of luck!

What? No more to read? What a jib!

Just kidding of course.

Agreed this piece is rushed but that's not a bad thing at all. I refer to it as "speed writing," which means the writer writes very quickly without thinking just to get their thoughts on paper, then go back read, and edit. It's a handy tool.

I have William pictured broad, burly, barrel-chested, much like one of my own characters out of Colonial America. Not sure why, but I'm more interested about him, rather than the main character.

At any rate, the whole scene with the cemetery didn't convince me that I was in one. There are many elements that come into effect, and you will never know unless you've walked through one yourself. To understand the past, one must visit it. In the era you wish to portray, common illnesses were small pox, "whooping cough," Cholera, Scarlet Fever, measles, and so forth. Many children did not live past fourteen years of age. I have quite a few pictures to prove it, and if you'd like I can ruffle through them to show a few. Mentioning my time spent in cemeteries, I said "many elements come into effect." Briefly, because it will be different for every person, there's more to be said then witnessing a fresh plot or the uncomfortable silence. There's the sun beating down on me as I pass one stone after another. Each one is a reminder to the living. Each one has it's own Epitaph. And every new headstone I pass, I tend to feel their "aura." They are all around, watching.

So, I highly suggest either with a parent or by yourself, take a few sheets of paper, and choose the oldest cemetery nearest to you. As I said, what one feels in this place, is different for every person but for researching purposes it will only benefit you and your character. On your sheets of paper, record the earliest deaths (not when they were born), find as many children as possible (this will prepare and train your mind for the era you're about to take on), and the fun part - record the Epitaph - "what the person had written on their stone."

A cemetery is nothing short of a museum. The more I personally enter, I come back a little more educated before. Go into one, and you'll see exactly what I'm speaking of.

Best of luck from a Revolutionary War buff. Huzzah!

Very nice start. A few words of advice from myself would be to slow down with introducing the character, let the reader get to know them a bit more and add a few things that might make the reader want to continue. Prologues are often how I grab the attention of my readers, so feel free to mention touch on things or foreshadow things that might come up later and interest the reader.

Since this is historic fiction also feel free to take time to set up the time period a bit more for the reader. You did this with the woolen dress, feel free to do this with talk of perhaps the burial process or the beliefs of the afterlife, a description of the cemetary lay out... etc. Setting up the period for your reader is always a good start and allows you as a writer to also more familiar with the time period. Good start.

Nice. I liked it. I want to read more, because it was short and a bit rushed.

Well, I say that you are at a good start. I do know a little bit about pioneers, cause I live in Wyoming and it is a part of the state history. So if this is about pioneers I can help you out.


My only complant is that I do feel it is a bit rushed, but that's just me. I could be misstaken.

All I ask is MORE MORE! I WANT TO READ MORE! so keep on writing this story, I want to finish it!

Hey, Ringettegirl!

Ah, a pioneer story, possibly? Cool! I live in Nebraska, and everyone is pretty much pioneer-crazy. If you want, I could send you some pictures to help with setting. ^_^

Anyway! This was a really, really good intro. I love how it's sort of conversational- it's very gripping. I definitely want to read on about Carrie, because burying her father...how'd he die? Where is she going? It's all very interesting.

I'm especially happy about the fact that you're trying something new- that's what makes writing [and reading] fun, right? And since it's your first time with this kind of story, I'll provide less of a nit-picky critique and some more open-ended tips, just to make it easier to write it.

MENTALITY: If you're going for a piece that reflects how the pioneers did things, I think it would be sort of cool if you described the process of burying him- you say that her family was waiting for her? If she buried the father herself- sort of a man's job, at that time- I think it would be really awesome if you described that. It would be a testament to how they acted and her determination to keep life civil, even among the roughest of circumstances.

It would also reflect the fact [if these are Oregon-Trail era pioneers] that they really had a schedule to keep to- we've a few months and if we don't get over the mountains before winter we'll either die or be stuck in Nebraska for the rest of our lives. There aren't any positive alternatives. Once you leave, you'd better get there-or else.

DESCRIPTION: Your description in the first paragraph was a little bit 'listy'- you went from tears to earth to sweat. I find that it's easiest to group descriptions by category- describing body parts, or feelings, or tastes, or trees, or whatever. It's easier to collect your thoughts and then smooth the transition into the next set of descriptions if you do this.

TONE: If you want to keep the conversational tone, it'd probably be best if you started with the 'my name is...'. I like to think that the first paragraph should encapsulate what the whole story will look and feel like- kind of a scary thought, but it helps to make good first paragraphs, right? It's the part that people will read the most. A lot of people read the first few pages and stop- very few make it to the end. If you make a good first impression, those people will keep reading. And that's a good thing. ^_^

Thanks for the good read, Ringettegirl! Please PM me if you've got any questions or have posted another segment. I'd love to help out.

Hello there! Don't think I've seen you around YWS before. I'm Razorblade. Nice to meet you, how are you doing, all that fancy jazz. Lol.

Anyway, this is a good start! A bit rushed, so slow it down a bit. Add in some more description, let the reader get in touch with the emotions of the character. Really make the reader feel sorrow and loss. Some more setting description would help, too! This is fairly short, so adding anything at all would make a huge difference. Prologues tend to be longer, and they introduce the character, set up some action, and- most importantly- establish an emotional connection with the reader. No emotional connection means your reader doesn't care. And we want them to care- that's what'll keep them reading.

But I see the buds of an excellent work here! I especially like these two lines:

"As I turned to walk away the breeze carried his reply. ---
If there is a person willing to listen, I have a story to tell."

Those are downright excellent, which is where I really get a feel for your abilities as a writer and the story itself. Keep those. They're great.

Remember: description = emotional connection = readers. Crucial to any piece of prose. Keep at it.

-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate