Aleon
Chapter one
My eye's glinted with excitement. Tomorrow was to be my first day on sentry duty!
“Annie!”
That was Barl, my mentor, and he called to me:
“You will need some sleep if you're to be on dawn sentry duty tomorrow.”
I took one last breath of fresh air then plunged back under the earth.
“Get up sleepy head.”
Barl prodded me with his front paw, leaning over me in the half-dark of my burrow. Was it time to get up already?
“Time for dawn sentry duty, Annie.”
I sighed but then got up, and we headed for the main exit.When we reached the north entrance, Barl gasped in shock. Earl, the sentry who had been on duty last night, Was nothing more than bones with talon marks on them! There were scuffle marks all around him. Apparently he had put up a good fight against whatever had killed him. Seeing his friend dead, Barl let forth a shrill chirp then darted back to tell the others.
Left alone at the top of the burrow, I was suddenly aware of six beady eyes upon me. I glanced up and saw that the eyes belonged to three large hawks circling above my head. All of a sudden one of them dived, aiming for the back of my neck! I scuttled back into the hole, and the hawk made contact with only the dirt at the tunnel entrance, causing sand and small rocks to fall into the hole. The dust tickled my nose and I sneezed. I waited for a few more minutes in the burrow, terrified by the scrabbling sounds still coming from the entrance. Was the hawk trying to dig me out?
It was then that I noticed it had gotten quite dark in the tunnel, so dark I could barely see my own paws in front of my face. I scurried up the tunnel to the entrance. The entry-way was packed with small rocks, wedged tightly into the hole. It would be impossible to get out this way. I hurried to the East entrance, and found that it, too, had been blocked. Without a way in and out we would slowly die of starvation and dehydration! Only the south hole was still open. I raced off to tell the others.
“We must get out, and escape to freedom!”
Our leader, Hakuna, declared. The council had gathered in the large underground burrow, and was conversing nervously with one another.
“The only shelter near here is a quarter mile away, and is owned by the Halasar tribe!”
“We could try sending one of us to the forest , which is one mile away”
One meerkat suggested.
“The Hanua tribe might help us.”
“Yes, but who would be willing to go”?
Hakuna asked.
“Any one of us would, but how would they get past the hawks? They seemed to have blocked all the holes but one!”
“It would have to be one of the younger stronger ones. I think Peter, John or Annie!”
Then a voice spoke up from the back;“We could send all three of them!”And so it was decided that Peter John and Annie would go out to save the tribe!-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Be as critical as you like this is only my second post. If you like it I’ll do chapter two!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
thank you for your comments they will be very usefull.
Jus behaviourally; wouldn' a hawk tak a kill a safe place before eating it? Eating the sentry outside the warren would expose it to unneccesary danger.
"glinted in excitement"
Is fine, but you could change it to "glinted with excitement" if you like it better.
"forth a shrill “chirp then darted"
I assume you were going to have some direct speech and then cut it, might want to lose the midsentance speech marks.
"of six beady upon me."
Six beady eyes. I'm not sure about canislupis's decision because even if you have the hawks as the 'baddies, the idea of 'hate-filled eyes' doesn't work. Brids don't hate their prey, if anything they love the. If you need to portry an emotion, go with greed.
"aiming for the back of my neck! "
Realistic? Okay this may be how the hawks catch other creatures, but even with better-than-human eyesight, the kind of definition required to tell which part of the animal is being targeted from how the hawk begins its dive just doesnt seem likely to me.
I like your use of names, they seem to personify the meerkats more. However you may consider sticking with the names of a single human culture, ie and African, English or Irish or whatever, rather than a smattering of each.
Plot wise, are the meerkats sending their youngest on a dangerous mission? Considering Annie has never even served a Guard duty, this seems like they've been thrown in the deep end a bit. Meerkats are quite protective of their kin, esecially the young ones.
Overall, a good piece and most of my comments are a bit nitpicky, but the whole thing smacks of the tv show 'meerkat manor' a bit too much.
This is really good! I love your idea. I definitely want to see chapter two.. Some things you might want to change:
The part with the hawks is a bit rushed.... Did the hawk even have time to block up the hole when she went down it? they seem to be reacting pretty quickly to a problem that just happened. Maybe add a few days of siege, or another death, something to make it seem more serious.
Oh, and by the way, you might want to put some kind of subject title, cus more people will read it.
Also, there are a few awkward sentences:
Maybe revise to:
"I was suddenly aware of six hate-filled beady eyes on the back of my neck. Suddenly one f the hawks dived, aiming for the back of my neck....." Or something like that.
oh, and this probably doesn't belong in "action adventure fiction" its no big deal, but you might want to try and get a moderator to move it to other fiction or fantasy......
That's all! PM when you post the next bit.
Good Luck!