In the year 1505, old medieval ages continued with battles and long wars between strong and dominant kingdoms.Violence and bloodshed was a common sight. There was a mighty kingdom in Kazakhstan called Dilgarha.
After many years the then king Mohammad Azhkar and the Queen Ramina Begum were blessed with a son. Several priests were invited to perform some holy rituals on the small child. To their utter astonishment, the chief of sacred priests found that the time and circumstances at the time of the birth of the child was unfavorable and the child will grow up and spread evil.
The king found it difficult to believe .The king and the queen burst into tears. The chief of priests suggested that if the little boy is raised under the light of the Almighty, then may be the evil will not be able to harm him and he won't be affected by any evil.
The King decided to sent his son on an exile to the kingdom of Khusroowah in Persia where his cousin brother Mohammad Zulmi was the king. He entrusted his royal servant Najva to take away his son to Khusroowah.
Next day the king contacted Zulmi through a magical crystal ball and informed him that his son will arrive there along with Najva,the servant.
After three days Zulmi contacted telepathically that neither his son nor his servant Najva arrived .
King Azhkar was shocked .He could not believe what has happened. One of the royal guards informed the king that Najva was seen moving towards Oman. Najva was spotted carrying a magic carpet.
"Oh Lord! The royal servant Najva was indeed evil. I should not have trusted that rat! Find Najva and kill him. Get my son",screamed the King.
The guards searched for Najva within next thirty days throughout the kingdoms of Persia,Oman,Arab,Yemen,Bahrain,Qatar but Najva was nowhere to be found.
The guards returned disappointed and empty-handed.They had no idea where Najva was and where he had concealed their son. The king thought it to be the wrath of the Gods.
The king ordered that if Najva is found anywhere he should be executed.
The holy priests arrived at the court of King Azhkar again and said that it was inevitable. The evil has found its true heir. The King was in grief and disbelief.
The chief of Priests told that the evil shall not reign supreme. Your second child is going to be the messenger of peace. After five years a son was born to King Azhkar and Queen Ramina Begum again. They were really very delighted.
The holy priests paid them a visit again. The chief of priests uttered that this child represents mercy of the Almighty. Even God does not want the evil and the vile spread sacrilege and tyranny.
The child was named as Arman.
After twenty years, Arman grew to be a young and a strong prince. He absorbed the teachings of the priests regarding religion , well versed with sacred books and acquired skills of war.
He was madly in love with Princess Urvashi of the Kingdom of Baghichastan(The kingdom of gardens). King Bahwood of Baghichastan was a close friend of Mohammad Azhkar. King Bahwood was a strong believer of God and possessed magical powers.
Arman and Urvashi mostly spent their evenings close to the Spring. The water was very pure and looked extremely clean. They knew sooner or later they were going to get married and completely trusted each other.
King Azhkar and King Bahwood knew about their children's love affair and had no objections to it as such.
Somewhere in dark corners of Egypt, Najva was laughing loudly with a cunning tone. He was beside Haku, who was the son of King Azhkar. He was a good looking tall and fair man. But his intentions were evil. In the last twenty years Najva groomed him to be a follower of the evil and Haku studied only malpractices and ancient black magic. He possessed several evil powers and had several evil spirits at his disposal to do all his dirty works.
He called himself the emperor of Moutighat(The kingdom of dead) and had already taken over Egyptians kingdoms of Riyazaat-ul-dilah, Mehboristan and Zamurabad. The evil king of Zamurabad was forced to serve as his minister and imprisoned the Royal families of the Kingdom of Riyazaat-ul-dilah, Mehboristan.
A strange thing about Kingdom Moutighat is that Sun never shone over his kingdom.He can summon eclipses at his will.
By and by his powers grew and he became stronger. Evil Najva preached wrong information about his parents and told that they abandoned him after his birth. They never wanted him to be powerful. But only Najva knew that evil will make him potentially so strong that he could rule the world.
Evil Najva again gave out a loud and cunning scream.
Haku was observing what was going on in his home kingdom of Dilgarha and witnessed people making merry and very prosperous. Dilgarha had a well administered kingdom, very few criminals and God fearing people.
Haku also witnessed the kingdom was embellished gracefully and came to know his younger brother was about to get married to Princess Urvashi.
The charm of Urvashi mesmerized Haku and he decided to forcefully marry her and make her evil Empress of Moutighat.
But he knew Urvashi was a clean hearted graceful lady and would never bow down to evil. He decided to cast an evil spell and abduct her.
Haku summoned dragons of death and sat on its back. He flew over Egypt, passed several kingdoms of Oman,Persia and finally reached Kazakhstan. He entered the palace of Dilgarha and casted a spell which blacked out the entire area.
When the lights came on after a few minutes, Haku was standing in front of the King Azhkar,his father and introduced himself as Haku, his abandoned son. He told that during the course of last twenty years he had grown stronger and more powerful. The king started to weep but deep within his heart he knew Haku was evil and begged him to go away.
Haku said,"I will get away but I want this Princess". He pointed towards Urvashi.
"Never",shouted king Bahwood who was also in that palace. He tried to get rid of Haku by his magic but had no or little effect.Haku was indeed very powerful.
The dragons of death entered through the palatial windows and spread turmoil all around and menaced the courtiers.
Finally, Haku got hold of Urvashi by her arm and sat on the back of the evil black dragon and got away.
He was successful in abducting Urvashi and planed to marry her within six months . On the first dark moon night post six months ,he will marry her. Till then she has to get used to his evil ways.
Haku was laughing aloud very cunningly. Evil Najva who witnessed this incident in that magical crystal ball also had a guffaw.
Prince Arman was very much vexed at this event and vowed to get back Urvashi and kill his elder brother and demolish kingdom of Evil and terror. He never knew his own brother would be so evil.
King Bahwood said that before he begins to combat evil and end their reign , he must learn the magic to battle evil forces.
King Bahwood used his holy power to discover that Haku stays in the Kingdom of Moutighat in Egypt. He told Arman that Haku wishes to spread evil throughout the globe but his principal supporters are Kings, Queens or Emperors of six kingdoms which he must demolish prior to battling Haku. The failure of each of his sub-ordinate's kingdoms will eventually make Haku weaker and vulnerable.Bahwood promised to provide details of those kingdoms to him sooner and guaranteed that the devil can never have the last laugh as long as their faith in God is strong enough that no evil can impurify their spirits.
Bahwood provided Arman with battle-suit and a mystic sword. He told that the mystic sword was used by the first king of Baghichastan to ward off evil invasion and later he himself used it against the black forces. Arman will now be trained and then he can set out on a journey to conquer evil and uproot it.
The youngest son of Bahwood, Khilji proposed to join him and help Arman rescue his sister.
With rage and fury Arman screamed,"Let's do it."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
So I was wandering through the green room when I found this piece which happened to be all my favorite things: fantasy, action/adventure and a novel! So I'm gonna review it now XD Warning, I can be harsh at times.
Intro: You need to work on how you introduce readers to the story. Your first line hits the reader a little too suddenly to be comfortable. In a sense, it "scares" them away, readers are fish, put the bait there then when they're ready reel in the hook. Come up with a way to get their attention then you should be okay. Otherwise, if you jump right into the story like that then the reader might never start reading it because nothing caught their eye.
Telling: It would seem like most of this time what you do is TELL the story. I get why you're doing that, but it makes the story a little boring. Add some imagery instead of just, for instance, saying the queen cried. If you said that she wept tears of whatever then I'm sure that would add a bit of the magical feeling to things.
Commas: You're missing a ton of commas O_O I can tell because your story's flow is off and it makes reading your story awkward. An easy way to fix most of your comma problems would be to read you sentence out loud. Wherever you pause but don't end the sentence is where a comma might go. Of course, if English isn't your first language then I would find someone who speaks English natively to help you with your flow.
Grammar: You have a lot of grammar mistakes regarding spaces and the like. Excluding commas, you put spaces where they shouldn't go and forget spaces where they should go.
Life: So your story has plot, that's for sure, but what you seem to be lacking is life. Your characters have no life, and without your characters then there really is no story. The only way that I know how to solve this is to sit down and actually get to know your characters. Once you know how they would act in certain situations and can imagine what they look like, then you'll be able to add life to your story. It would also help if you added some more imagery.
Sorry this was so negative, but I really think you can make this something greater, I guess that's why I'm harsh. Your plot seems interesting and I don't want you to drop it. Good luck with your story here!
Sushi
Hi there, rikkidas! Happy Friday! GreenLight24 here with a review for you.
from reading this I can tell that you have done so and that you've really let your ideas marinate here for a while. Great first step int hat regard.
First of all, I really like what you've got going here with the premise for this story and the ideas behind it. This seems like it could be a really cool story and a very interesting one as well. I like the way you've mapped this out and I can tell that you had a plan going into the writing of this first chapter. In my opinion, planning out the course of your story and where you want to take it before hand is very important to any work of literature, but especially to a novel. Take it from somebody who has made this mistake before, you always need to have a game plan first. It's just like writing a formal essay; you need to make sure you outline before you can start hitting the Microsoft word.
Now then, for the constructive criticisms.
*clears throat* *begin Morgan Freeman voice*
Although I cant tell you have a very good sense of what you want to do with this novel and that you have an awesome premise for the story, I feel like this first chapter falls a little bit short on its thematic and narrative elements. The first chapter of any novel is supposed to lay the foundation for the rest of the novel, and you've accomplished that pretty nicely, but in doing so you've sacrificed some of those narrative and thematic elements that I think would make this novel great. Overall, this chapter just comes sort of flat on that end, and I get that this is one of those prologue-style first chapters, but I think a story like this one (action/adventure I mean) would benefit greatly from having a less objective style of narration. What I mean by that is that it comes across as being very bullet-pointed in telling the story of the beginning of this novel. Although your writing is good and there aren't many spelling or grammar errors, I think it would benefit you to do a little bit less telling and a lot more showing. For instance, don't just tell us that "the king and queen burst into tears". Show us that reaction. Maybe use stronger descriptive language or add some more dialogue here. I feel like this is one of those stories where readers are going to have to develop opinions about certain characters and choose sides as to who they're rooting for. If the character come across as being pretty flat, it's hard to really get attached in that way. In other words, use a more SUBjective writing style to give your characters some more personality and to bring them closer to the reader. The way this is written, I can still get a feeling as to what you're going for with your characters, but overall, there's a feeling of distance between the reader and what's going on in the story. I mean, I get it; you never want to just introduce every little facet of a character in the very first chapter, but there is something to be said for employing at least a surface introduction of the personality types and motives of each of them. Maybe you meant for this, but this has a really history-book type of feel. If that's the direction you were trying to move this in, well done. But if not, I'd spice up the narrative elements a little bit.
Overall, this was still an enjoyable read, and it definitely piqued my interest in seeing where this thing'll go. Good job there. I hope this review helps you moving forward and always keep writing!
I hope it was not so bad.It is my first attempt to develop a plot based on medieval days. Sci-fi has always been my genre. Here I cannot even display any advanced technology or superficial things.
I see. Well I didn't think it was bad by any means. I just think the style of writing here leaves the reader a bit detached is all. I see how that could be challenging though, considering you are mostly a sci-fi writer. I greatly commend you for stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new! In that case, don't worry about thematics right now, just try to get yourself acclimated with the genre. I know you can do it!
Ok,thanks.
Meanwhile you can read my other publications if you are interested.
Sweet!