Thank god it’s Friday. Lately school has been feeling like such a chore, I’m sure you’ll hear most seventeen year olds saying this, but I usually enjoy school mainly the socializing but even that has been lacking a whole lot lately. So this weekend my best friend Rachel and I have decided to let loose, we’re going to party! Rachel’s public school boyfriend Chris is taking us to a party tonight. I hope it’ll be worth because it’s turned into a bit of a covert mission.
Rachel’s parents aren’t strict with her, but when it comes to Chris, there like different parents. They feel that Chris doesn’t live up to the expectations they have for their beautiful private school daughter, he’s not exactly royalty. I think Rachel finds Chris a whole lot more attractive simple because her parents disapprove and I think Chris just loves the fact that’s he’s dating someone who looks like a future supermodel. That’s the main difference between Rachel and me, she’s absolutely stunning. The kind of stunning that stops people in their tracks, me on the other hand I’m just average, brown hair, brown eyes, average height, and normal size. Although you won’t hear me complaining I like just fitting in.
Deep in my thoughts, I didn’t even hear the bell ring but I sure noticed the way chairs were being roughly slid back, books being thrown in bags and bags being slung over shoulders as the scramble to the door began. I stretched my arms into the air and stood up to stretch. I grabbed my bag and put my books and pens into my bag and slowly zipped it up. By the time I got to the door the rush was over and I managed to walk out without even being nudged. As I made my way to the stairs a couple for year seveners came screeching past my and made their way down the stairs.
“You think with all the money our parents pay this darn school they’d get us some elevators hey Mel.” Rachel smiled at me as she caught up with me half way down the stairs.
“But Rachel, you wouldn’t have those stunning legs of yours without all these stairs”
“Oh, so true, so true. So you ready for tonight? Chris has been texting me all day saying that the party is going to be so awesome”
“Well, I hope so, we need some serious entertainment and I hear that public school parties and where that’s at. Come on, let’s get our bags then head for the bus”
As we sat down in our seats on the bus Rachel’s mobile started buzzing and once she answered it I knew I had to entertain myself until our stop. I watched as each kid got on the bus, a few smiled at me and gave a nod, while the much younger ones seemed extremely intimidated by the fact I was watching them. I wish I could remember what I was like back when I first started at school. How the older kids effected me, but that seemed so long ago. I wonder if I was the small girl huddled against the window with my iPod blaring so I couldn’t hear any of the commotion. Or if I was the girl playing the hand clapping games with my friends. It made me kind of sad that I couldn’t quite remember what I was like back then.
After an extremely boring, uneventful and loud bus ride we got to our stop. There was a small group of public school boys at the bus stop and as Rachel and I got off the bus Chris parted from the crowd to greet us. By greet I mean make out with Rachel then say hello. After their ‘greeting’ Chris turned to me.
“Hey Mel"
“Hi Chris, you sure it’s okay if we crash at your house?”
“Yeah, no worries, the parents are out of town anyway, so we’re all set.”
The three of us set off to Chris’s house which was just a block away. Rachel had turned all smitten kitten on me and was holding hands and whispering to Chris the whole way. It seemed like I’d put myself in an extremely uncomfortable third wheel position. I walked much slower than the other two and was taking in the neighborhood. Although this place was only a forty five minute drive from the posh suburb that Rachel and I lived in, I’d never been here before. I liked it. It wasn’t like my house. There were toys thrown across front lawns, gates left open, bushes that desperately needed trimming, letter boxes that were overflowing. It just seemed lived in.
Chris and Rachel turned into a gateway of a small house that was painted yellow with blue trimmings and a blue fence, the front yard was quite clean compared to other houses in the street. Chris threw open the front door and lead us inside.
“Welcome to my humble home ladies, not quite what you’re used to I’m sure.”
“Chris, don’t be silly this is lovely so come on, show us round.” Rachel had a big smile on her face but I could tell she thought this place was a bit below her. She would never admit it though.
Chris seemed to believe what she said though. We dropped out bags on the floor and he started the tour of his house, “Right then, this is the lounge room, through that door on the left is my parents room, down here is the kitchen by the way help yourself to any food or drink you want at any time. Across from the kitchen is my little sister’s room, which will be your room Mel. The next room is the bathroom; the shower takes a bit to warm up so don’t step in straight away. And the last room at the very end is mine.”
We all moved down to peer into Chris’ room, it wasn’t anything special. He had a double bed in the corner of his room, a desk and computer on the opposite wall, clothes and towels thrown across the floor and pictures of half naked women on the walls, just a typical boy’s room. Rachel and I headed back out to lounge room and grabbed our things and to put our respective rooms.
As I opened the door to Chris’s sisters room I blinded by the amount of pink in her room. I gathered straight away that she was very young. The walls were painted all pink, the blinds against the window were pink and purple with butterflies on them. There was a single bed a closet and a cupboard filled with barbies and all sorts of toys. Above her bed was a large beautiful painting with fairies and butterflies surrounding the name Amanda.
I placed my bags on Amanda’s bed then closed the door. I pulled out some comfy clothes and changed out of my itchy school uniform. I put my uniform into my bag and then went out into the Kitchen. Rachel heard me in the kitchen and stuck her head in. “Mel, um me and Chris will be in his room for a while, um you know.”
“Yeah Rach, I know, I’ll be fine.” She gave me a huge grin and ran back into Chris’s room and slammed the door shut. I heard muffled laughter then some loud rock music started playing from the room.
‘Now what’ I thought. I managed to find the cups in the kitchen and poured myself some soft drink. The cupboards were pretty bear but I found a packet of twisties that weren’t out of date. I sat down at the kitchen table and flicked threw and old copy of a men’s magazine that was sitting on the table.
All of a sudden there was a loud bang from the lounge room. It sounded like the front door and turns out it was as I heard foot steps coming towards the kitchen. I wasn’t sure what to do, I mean I didn’t even know what the owners of the house looked like. I sat frozen then a boy came round the corner. He barely blinked at me and went straight to a cupboard. He was quite tall with broad shoulders he had dark brown messy hair and fairly tanned arms. He was wearing denim shorts and an old surf brand shirt. He reached up in the cupboard and pulled out a boy. He went to food cupboard and pulled out a box of cereal and poured some into the bowl and then got some milk from the fridge and a spoon. He sat down at the table across from me and poured the milk into the bowl and started eating.
“Who the hell are you?”
He looked up from his bowl and I noticed he was quite attractive. “You Rachel? I’m Nate.”
“No, I’m Mel. Look, should I tell Chris you’re here, should you have just walked in like that?”
“So you a lesbian?”
“What? Excuse me?” He smiled and pointed to the open men’s magazine that I was flicking through “No, I was just.” I closed the magazine and pushed it aside. “Look do you want me to get Chris?”
“Nar, if you’re not Rachel I gather she’s in there with him, I don’t want to walk in on him. That’d be a bit rude of me.”
“Right, um ok.”
All of a sudden we were interupted by the loud ringing of my mobile phone from my pocket. I pulled it out and looked to see who was ringing me. It was my Dad. I pushed my chair back from the kitchen table and moved into the lounge room where I answered my call.
“Hi daddy. No, no it’s okay Rachel just felt some need for some very loud music. No, we don’t really have any plans. We’re just going to order some pizza, watch a movie then probably go to bed. I need to get some things from town tomorrow, so I’ll meet you in there with my things. Okay so around one? Okay daddy, yes I’ll be good. I love you too bye.”
I closed my phone and let out a massive sigh, I didn’t like to lie to my parents, they were good people. It’s just that sometimes they still treated me like I was ten. As I turned to walk back towards the kitchen I saw Nate standing against the door frame looking at me with a grin on his face.
“What?” I snapped
“no, nothing so how’s daddy?”
“Rack off would you”
“So you lie a lot to your parents then? What are they really strict of something?”
“No, not exactly, I’d just, I don’t even know you, why are you asking me this?”
“Okay, okay sorry.” He had that grin on his face again as he moved from the door way over to one of the lounges. He flopped down in one and grabbed the tv remote and flicked it on. The five o’clock news was on and I was surprised that he didn’t change the channel so I sat down on the couch opposite and we started to watch the tv in silence.
After another ten minutes the music from Chris’s room stopped and Rachel and Chris made there way out the lounge room. As Rachel entered the room she gave Nate that million dollar smile and dropped herself on the couch next to me. Chris entered next, he was wearing an old pair of shorts that had holes in them everywhere and without a shirt. I’d never noticed how scrawny he actually was. I mean he wasn’t ugly or anything, I guess he was just kind of average. Like me. Chris sat down next to Nate and they started their own private conversation that was not audible over the noise of the tv.
Rachel nudged me “Who is the babe?”
“He’s names Nate, he may be a babe, he seems to be seriously up himself.”
“What a shame, cause he is fine.”
“Rachel, your boyfriend is sitting right there.”
“Oh come on Mel, a girl can look. So want to go sort out what were wearing tonight then?”
I nodded my head to agree then we got up and made our way into my room. After Rachel threw all of my clothes back and forth across the room she gave me a concerened look and told me that nothing I has brought will do. She ran from the room and came back a minute later with a handful of her own clothes and made me hold them up one by one against myself. After what seemed like an eternity so wisely decided that I should wear a black and gold mini dress of hers. I was reluctant but I agreed, we were after all going to a party were no one would recognize me.
Chris stuck his head in the door to tell us that he had ordered pizza and it had just turned up. We made our way into the kitchen and we all sat around the kitchen table. As we each took a piece of pizza Chris started to tell us the plan for tonight.
“So, I think that we should leave here at about seven. I’m not real keen to walk, so we’ll catch a taxi there. So the guy who’s party it is owes me a few favours, so the four of us have free range to all his grog.” At that Rachel gave a little hoot which made us all laugh. “So I’m not sure what time we’ll leave, but I guess that’ll all depend on how good the party is, so we should all exchange numbers in case we lose anyone.” We all agreed with that then started passing our mobiles around the table to those who we didn’t have their numbers. I passed mine to chris who then passed it on to Nate. When I got Nate’s phone and I entered my name and number in and then took a quick look at some on the numbers in his phone. Which turned out to be pretty much all girls, I laughed to myself then passed it on.
After we’d finished swapping numbers and eating our pizza Rachel and I set off to go and get changed. Once we had out dresses on we made our way into the bathroom to apply our makeup and do our hair. Rachel being more the expert on subjects like that took charge of my appearance. She straightened my hair and made me promise that I had to leave it out. She then did my makeup, which I have to say wasn’t too bad. She then started on herself, Rachel curled her long blonde hair and when she was finished it fell perfectly over her face and down her shoulders, she quickly and expertly did her makeup and we were just about ready.
We walked out to the lounge room where the boys were waiting for us. Chris’s eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw how amazing Rachel looked. She had on a sparkly silver mini dress on and her hair and makeup was amazing. She did a little twirl for him and gave a little giggle. He was loving it. I looked over at Nate and he was staring at me, I don’t think he meant to because when I gave him an odd look he looked at away quite quickly.
Chris then called a taxi and within five minutes we were in the car on our. Rachel sat in the front while and the rest of us in the back. Chris, Nate then me hoped in. It was a five minute drive to party and while sitting in the back of the cab so close to Nate I couldn’t help but notice whatever deodorant he was wearing smelled fantastic, too bad he was so rude.
As we turned into the street where the party was held we could hear the loud thumping of the music. We pulled up across the road from the house and Chris payed the taxi driver as we all piled out. As the taxi drove away the four of us made our way across the road and into the house. As we made our way in there were people walking in and out of the house. Many of who took the time to say hello to Chris or Nate. The house was a bit of a mess already and plenty of people seemed to be already quite drunk. We made our way into the kitchen where Chris got us all a drink. Unfortunately for Rachel and I all they had was a load of beer, but we took them anyway and started to sip on them.
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Hello, there! You must be new to YWS? Wonderful to meet you.
Keep in mind there's some rules we like to follow to keep everything as organized as pleasant as we can, such as the 2:1 ratio. Two reviews for every one thing you post. Everyone on this site is looking for a reviewer, so it won't be as hard as you think.
About the spacing, I don't really know how one can be good at it. It's a matter of pressing the enter button at the end of each paragraph. Readers are afraid of huge chunks of words, so we space out of paragraphs. It will be worth the extra time too.
More rules can be found in Before you post... by our friendly neighborhood moderators or Rules-MUST READ by our wonderful and fantastical administrator(s).
I'm not here to tell you the rules, though. I'm here to critique, so let's get this thing started.
This, my friend, is known as a run-on sentence and must be chopped up accordingly.
Oh, and you had you in there. That's switching PoVs on us, and that tends to not be good. Notice in my example rewrite, I didn't have that in there.
I hate starting sentences with so. It sounds like the author couldn't find a better way to start the sentence. I'd find another way to put that in, or use however somewhere? Also, by dash, I mean: ...I have decided to let loose--we're going to party!
Public school is used awkwardly as an adjective here. Rachel's boyfriend, Chris, who goes to a public school, is taking us to a party tonight. Is the public school chunk even important? I didn't know the MC went to a private school in the first place...is it important to mention?
This sentence bugged me. I guess because of the tense change. If there's a way to redo this, then please do. Otherwise, I'd just delete it...?
I honestly cannot read on any further. I just critted a paragraph and found this many mistakes. I'm afraid what I'll find later on. Please read through this, edit how you can. Use what I showed you to help the rest of the story. I have time to give a nice good critique, but I don't have time to nit-pick every single sentence in your story. I'm sorry. ^^;
Maybe someone more patient than I will come along, but I highly doubt that. If you read over it, edit some run-ons or they're/their/there words and such, contact me and I'll try critting again. Also, if this were maybe cut in half, I'd have the patience to finish the crit. Lol. I don't mean to be rude at all, but it does say in one of the link above that you should review your work before posting it on here.
Keep writing, though!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hello rhie!
I have to say, when I usually see a story this long and not spaced out, I hit the back button.
This story kept me very interested and even though it is a bit clique highschool I really want to know what happens next so keep writing! [=
Whoa!!!!!!!!! Please look at your spacing.
Also... because it's so long, I suggest you break it into two parts. 