Published February 16, 2009
*I WILL POST ALL THE CHAPTERS ON ONE THREAD, SO I WILL JUST GOING TO EDIT IT ANYTIME AND THE READERS WOULD NOT WASTE TIME IN LOOKING FOR MY POST FOR CHAPTER 2. IF I AM DOING IT WRONG, PM ME OR COMMENT HERE. THANKS!
TITLE: CYBORG STORY
CHAPTER 1.1
CONSPIRACY
(OPEN THE SPOILER!)
[spoiler]I'M SO EXCITED!
Today, I will officialy enter my teenage life. I will now stepout of this door and will be self proclaimed teenager. i wonder what changes am i going to encounter. Does the first kiss feels so good than the mother's kiss?? LOL! i don't have enough time for this craziness!!
"Shane what are you waiting for?"
My mother scolded me while i was taking a hot chocolate while nervously waiting in front of the window for my school bus. I was slightly, no, ultimately, nervous!
"my school bus mom, what time is it?? i think i'm going to be late because of that school bus!!"
I asked my mom.. i don't want to be late n the first day of class!! detention on first day?? what a nightmare!
"i think you better pack your bag and run... highschools don't have schoolbus remember!!!"
my mom shouted!! then i run towards the door and fortunately there is a cab.. i immediately ride.. t
That was the first time I rode a cab without any guardian. No father to remind me to be careful when I cross the street, no mother to ask the driver how much the ride cost and pull out her purse to pay without asking for change, even if she paid too much, and lastly, without a brother to irritate me.
So, this is what the independent life is like, I wondered. This is what I have always dreamed of!
When the cab arrived in front of the school, I tapped my pockets for my wallet and searched my bag. 'Oh my god,' I realized I left my wallet with my allowance in it on the kitchen table!
"Sir, I have a problem," I nervously said to the driver, "I left my wallet and my money at home... so..." I wondered if he would call the police or make me clean the windows of his cab... or worse, get all of my things!
"It's okay, young lady. You're a first timer, right? I know you're nervous, so maybe I'll forgive you." he said, "Just don't do it again, okay?"
the driver kindly said to me. he is so kind!! then he waved goodbye to me.. i really can't imagine my self in the jail!!
I felt butterflies in my stomach as I entered the front door of the school. I had been entering this door for almost six years, but this time was different. I had to enter with maturity and grace, with a perfect smile that could possible win a heart perfect on the acquaintance program.
Because I was thinking about what I looked like, I accidentally slipped on the wet floor. Thankfully, nobody laughed at me as I picked myself up off the ground. It saved me some embarrassment, but I can still put it in my slam note as the most awkward moment of life.
I noticed one of my schoolmates looking at me. He had an intense expression in his eyes, almost as if he was going to eat me. There was something about him that I couldn't understand. Maybe it's the way he wore his sneakers-- with the laces tucked inside of the shoes.
Kring!
The bell rang, signaling that I must walk towards the door and face the new curriculum in my life. I nervously made my way to class and sat down in a chair.
'Where should I place my bag?' I wondered, 'Behind the boy in front of me or in front of the girl behind me? Ugh, maybe I will just act like that mature lady besides me.'
Something was strange in the classroom. When I stepped inside, the professor silently whispered to a man dressed in black besides him. It was probably one of the CIA Agents from the government. It seemed like the two of them were waiting for me.
I wondered if I had committed a crime. 'Don't think of that, Shane,' I said to myself, 'You haven't committed any crimes except for that cab ride earlier.'
It was a normal lesson of English and History. It wasn't anything complicated, we just refreshed our minds with everything we had learned during our elementary days. Our history teacher, Madam Lily, dismissed us early for recess.
I bought a vegetable salad and juice and sat on a table. My seatmates were kind; they talked about their summer vacations. I decided to stay quiet and just listen to what they said.
As I chewed my salad, I looked at the stainless steel spoon. The more I looked at it, the more I concentrated on it.
I was terrified.
Without any force at all, I managed to curve the spoon, causing it to break into two. In my surprise, I let it drop. It made a loud clanging sound as it hit the table.
"Something wrong with your salad?" It was Nathan, a friend of mine. He was known as the nerd boy in the school.
"No... Nothing," I stammered. "I just have to go to the comfort room."
I heard my peers mumbling stuff about me as I left the room.
I saw the same man in black that I saw in the classroom. He stared at me anxiously as if he knew that I could break spoons without using my hands. He softly whispered into his coat as if he had a small microchip like microphone hidden there.
I ran into the comfort room and locked myself into the cubicle. I couldn't understand what was going on inside of me. Is this a part of what they call adolescence in teenagers? Who are those men chasing after me? I couldn't make sense of any of what just happened. [/spoiler]
TO BE CONTINUE
CHAPTER 1.2
CONSPIRACY
[spoiler]I was really terrified of what i have done. I merely shake my head on disbelief. It seems i have a superpower, the one that can control things through my mind. But is this really true? Am I just dreaming? Well if it is true. should i thank God for this? Or should i treat this as a curse?
I really don't know what to think. Maybe a good rest can be the answer.
I go back to my classroom. My friends are still staring at me because of what just happened a while ago.But they are not just the one staring at me. There are almost a bunch of men in black at our door. It seems that they are alarmed of what just happened to me.
I try to forget what happened, so that it would not affect my studies. But i just cannot.
Kring!
The bell rang. It is for our dismissal.
"Ms. Perez, let me first talk to you"
My professor said. Is this connected to my super power? Is he a part of the CIA the will go experiment on my chromosomes and try to clone me?
I slowly approach him with confusion.
"I know what just happened a while ago."
He said. As if he was there on the whole event.
"I know that you forgot your wallet on your house. Here, take some money of mine. So you can still go home safely. "
Sigh. I thought it was the spoon case. But i really feel something about that professor. And that is what i will going to figure out sometime. For now, i will go home and rest.
I am waiting for a cab for almost 1 and a half hours. But it seems I am waiting for nothing. So decided to walk. My house is not that far.
I am walking peacefully, when all of a sudden, i hear a strange sound. It seems someone is following me. I don't want to look at my back. I am so afraid. I imagine a scene on the film The Messenger. The scene that when i look back, i will see a lady in white that will pull me backward into the darkness.
But i know it is not a ghost thing. I know it is the men in black from our school.
"What do you want from me? i know you are there."
I asked. There was a moment of silence. No one answered. But i can still feel the person behind me.
"Answer me! or i would.. i would.. shout here!"
I commanded with a trembling voice. I am starting to be frieghten.
I bravely look at my back. But i saw nothing.
"Shane. Shane. you're starting to be crazy. See no people out here!"
I said to myself. But i really wonder where the man goes.
"BOO!"
My friend surprised me. It was Nathan.
"WAH! i am so scared Nathan! Look. My legs are shaking because of you."
I said with a high eyebrow as if i am teasing him. But i admit, he really scared me.
"LOL! Admit it Shane. You are scared!"
He teased me. He really is a teaser. A while ago he was slapped by Keanne, my girl classmate because he keep teasing her as a wild pig.
"What do you want from me? I know you're there! ahahaha"
He shouted while immitating my voice. It made me laugh. His voice sounded like a cockroach.
He waved goodbye when i arrived on my house. I saw a nail together with a hammer. Then i remember the spoon on our canteen.
I concentrate on the nail. With all my might.
In my amusement.
Nothing happened.
Maybe i am really hallucinating a while ago.Superpowers simply aren't real. If it is, maybe vampires can exist to, the one like Edward Cullen on Twilight. But they just don't.
I was again terrified of what i've saw on our living room. This cannot be happening.[/spoiler]
TO BE CONTINUE
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
thanks for correcting my mistakes. Having a broader knowledge about literature is really my purpose in joining here. Please always pay attention to my grammar, i am really having a hard time correcting my work. Don't hesitate to message me or comment here if you see any errors again.
For the compliments, i really appreciate it.
GOD SPEED!
Hmmm, this was a good read, but, as i'm sure other people have no doubt told you, it needs punctuation. Capitals, and add in colons and semi-colons. You need to go over it and try to change sentance structure and punctuation. But don't, get me wrong, i believe that this story has a lot of potential.
Hi there! I'm June, and I am going to be your critic for today!
. Here we go:
Before I begin, Welcome to YWS! It's great to meet you. We have a 2:1 rule here, though, which means that before you post one piece of your work you should have reviewed two things by someone else
• Opening with a character sketch has it's pros and cons, dear. Some people like to see it, others don't. I personally don't mind it, but it's funner to discover these things about the characters as we read, dear.
• The first letter of a word that opens a sentence should be capitalized and so should nouns. Pay attention to that, dear!
Okay! Giving us a little runover of the plot is normally a bad thing. I'm a nosy reader; I like to know what the story's about. I like to know where it's going and what's happening in it, but giving us the plot line at the beginning is like... giving a child sweets before dinner. What's the point in eating dinner if you already have the part you wanted after?
To speak, cut down on such a gigantic introduction! We can discover all of this if you camouflauge it in your writing!
**
Corrections will be in bold. Notes will come afterwards.
• Watch the usage of capital letters! You can convey the same excitement and same urgency with exclamation points, dear.
• The same thing goes for punctuation marks. Don't use two exclamation points when you only need one; an ellipsis doesn't need to replace a period.
Okay! Let's take a look at this ↑ excerpt.
• To scold is to admonish. Like, "Shane! You broke the vase!" Rather than to question, "Shane, what are you waiting for?" Scolded is not quite the word you need here.
• Tenses. Pay attention to those! You're using past tense first here. Words that end in -ed or that let us know happened already. In the last sentence, you change to present. It should rightfully be:
I was slightly, no, ultimately, nervous!
• Watch the punctuation! Don't use an ellipsis where a dash (--) or comma (,) is needed. Don't use more than one exclamation point when it's unnecessary, dear.
• Remember to capitalize the beginning of sentences and nouns.
• The pronoun "I" must be capitalized at all times.
• Your tenses are too shifty here. You use exclamation points when they're unnecessary. Please, keep an eye on those things so that your audience doesn't become confused.
Also! Your last bit of a sentence makes it sound like you can ride a cab like a bike
Should be:
That was the first time I rode a cab without any guardian. No father to remind me to be careful when I cross the street, no mother to ask the driver how much the ride cost and pull out her purse to pay without asking for change, even if she paid too much, and lastly, without a brother to irritate me.
So, this is what the independent life is like, I wondered. This is what I have always dreamed of!
• Compare this reworded part with yours:
When the cab arrived in front of the school, I tapped my pockets for my wallet and searched my bag. 'Oh my god,' I realized I left my wallet with my allowance in it on the kitchen table!
"Sir, I have a problem," I nervously said to the driver, "I left my wallet and my money at home... so..." I wondered if he would call the police or make me clean the windows of his cab... or worse, get all of my things!
"It's okay, young lady. You're a first timer, right? I know you're nervous, so maybe I'll forgive you." he said, "Just don't do it again, okay?"
• Pay attention to the language your characters use! Make sure that it sounds realistic and not like something that only happens in books.
I felt butterflies in my stomach as I entered the front door of the school. I had been entering this door for almost six years, but this time was different. I had to enter with maturity and grace, with a perfect smile that could possible win a heart perfect on the acquaintance program.
• Be careful not to be too deadwoodish by giving us too little bit of information in too much words.
Because I was thinking about what I looked like, I accidentally slipped on the wet floor. Thankfully, nobody laughed at me as I picked myself up off the ground. It saved me some embarrassment, but I can still put it in my slam note as the most awkward moment of life.
I noticed one of my schoolmates looking at me. He had an intense expression in his eyes, almost as if he was going to eat me. There was something about him that I couldn't understand. Maybe it's the way he wore his sneakers-- with the laces tucked inside of the shoes.
Kring!
The bell rang, signaling that I must walk towards the door and face the new curriculum in my life. I nervously made my way to class and sat down in a chair.
'Where should I place my bag?' I wondered, 'Behind the boy in front of me or in front of the girl behind me? Ugh, maybe I will just act like that mature lady besides me.'
Something was strange in the classroom. When I stepped inside, the professor silently whispered to a man dressed in black besides him. It was probably one of the CIA Agents from the government. It seemed like the two of them were waiting for me.
I wondered if I had committed a crime. 'Don't think of that, Shane,' I said to myself, 'You haven't committed any crimes except for that cab ride earlier.'
It was a normal lesson of English and History. It wasn't anything complicated, we just refreshed our minds with everything we had learned during our elementary days. Our history teacher, Madam Lily, dismissed us early for recess.
I bought a vegetable salad and juice and sat on a table. My seatmates were kind; they talked about their summer vacations. I decided to stay quiet and just listen to what they said.
As I chewed my salad, I looked at the stainless steel spoon. The more I looked at it, the more I concentrated on it.
I was terrified.
Without any force at all, I managed to curve the spoon, causing it to break into two. In my surprise, I let it drop. It made a loud clanging sound as it hit the table.
"Something wrong with your salad?" It was Nathan, a friend of mine. He was known as the nerd boy in the school.
"No... Nothing," I stammered. "I just have to go to the comfort room."
I heard my peers mumbling stuff about me as I left the room.
I saw the same man in black that I saw in the classroom. He stared at me anxiously as if he knew that I could break spoons without using my hands. He softly whispered into his coat as if he had a small microchip like microphone hidden there.
I ran into the comfort room and locked myself into the cubicle. I couldn't understand what was going on inside of me. Is this a part of what they call adolescence in teenagers? Who are those men chasing after me? I couldn't make sense of any of what just happened.
* *
Remember to pay attention to:
• Your capitalization. Nouns and the beginnings of sentences must always be capitalized, as well as the pronoun "I".
• Your punctuation. Only one exclamation point is needed most of the time. Don't use an ellipsis (...) where you need a period.
• Your language. Be sure that everything you are writing about sounds realistic, even if it isn't.
*
Overall, I found this rather interesting! It's headed in the perfect direction for action, and it's full of suspense.
Keep it up, and welcome to YWS!
I hope I wasn't too harsh! Any questions, feel free to PM me!
June