z

Young Writers Society



Can I Be Your Soldier

by rheiyapot


Lost and alone in the battlefield of love
No shield to protect you from the pain
Falling down again and again
Surrounded by fire wishing for rain

Trapped in the dephts of your mind
An iron case surrounding your heart
Unable to trust anyone
Many time you have been ripped apart

But..

Can i be your soldier?
Rescuing you from all your pain
Carrying you off the battlefield
Through the fire and after the rain

Tending to each emotional wound
While dusting off that old iron case
Correcting all of your your mistakes
Restoring a glow that once graced your face

All these words i say to you
Might not come as a surprise
For many other came to your life
Caressing you nothing with lies

I can't tell you to trust me
With all you've been through
But everything i say and do
Its simply because i trully love you :cry:

* critics are allowed. i want my works to be better and be the best it can be.
and of course.. compliments are much appriciated.

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261 Reviews

Points: 1802
Reviews: 261

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Tue Feb 17, 2009 12:10 pm
KnightlyAngel09 wrote a review...



Hello.:) I see you're rather new so welcome here.:)

Okay, now on to your poem. The first two stanzas I believe are supposed to be a strong beginning. Sort of like a call to the battlefield or something like that. However, I don't think it worked too well. Particularly the first line, maybe its just me but the line sounded so cliche that it became a weak beginning.

The second stanza on the other hand is alright up until the final line. ALthough, I suppose it does work, I think that the rhyme sounded forced and that you can put in something better there.

The rest of your poem on the other hand is great. I'm not too knowledgeable on punctuation but this poem needs punstuation or else the words and lines run into each other and get too confused. I'm pretty sure someone else on this site will point out some punctuation advice soon.

Is the last stanza correct?

I think this poem needs editing. There are some typos here and there that needs attention.

Overall, I loved the idea of love here. Being a soldier to rescue someone from the pain. I found it to be quite an original concept. Its also very lovely because it speaks of such a noble love.




User avatar
228 Reviews

Points: 4495
Reviews: 228

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Tue Feb 17, 2009 8:47 am
Meep(: wrote a review...



rheiyapot wrote:* critics are allowed. i want my works to be better and be the best it can be.
and of course.. compliments are much appriciated.


Ahahaha, technically, you can't really allow or disallow critiques.
When you post, expect to get constructive critism.
We won't insult you with stuff like: "Oh you're so terrible."
We just point out stuff to help you improve :D

Anyhoodledoodle,
I'm definitely not a poet, but I felt that I should comment.
So, I can't really tell you about structures and what-not.
I just read the lines, and I loved it.
Its like a poetic story. Very heart-warming.
I didn't need to be a poet to appreciate the content and quality.
Keep it up! :D

Only nitpicks I could find was that you repeated the word 'your' in one of the bottom lines,
And you should capitalise your 'I's.

*scampers off to make way for the actual critiquers*





But what about second breakfast?
— Peregrin Took