Published August 27, 2011
Jack and jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water.
Jack held jill down, by her crown,
until she was fully under.
Up jack got, and home did trot,
as fast as he could caper.
He hid away for a fifty days
til Jill's name left the papers.
People say, He ran away,
but no-one knows for sure.
But either way, from that day,
Jack was innocent no-more.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,412 Literary Works • 672,114 Reviews
It's good getting back our memories
I loved it! ;DDD
Very nice ^^
My favorite was the first and second last one.
They were funny...
Giving added details to nursery rhymes is a good idea, I must say.
Good Job!
Would give this a 8/10.
Cheers and Regards,
Cookie
or
LM
Hi there
So--quick review, because to be perfectly honest, I don't have much to say. I think that the first and last were my favorites as they just tended to work best, and the middle poems seemed to have some rhythm and... I'm not quite sure, maybe fluidity issues? I think that the rhymes didn't fit quite a neatly as they did in other parts and that you didn't quite carry the original cadence as well, but regardless, these were all wonderfully done, so good job.
o_O
I feel slightly emotionally scarred after reading this. But perhaps that's a good thing.
Not having a description of what you were doing, and going straight to the poems, was kind of cool. It gave me a greater sense of creepiness, like you are someone who wrote these with the blinds completely close and the computer screen reflecting eerily off your face. *shivers* But of course you're not like that, right? Right?!
Aaanyways, I've never seen this done before, and I thought it was a neat idea. You executed it well (umm... was that a pun?) and I enjoyed reading these while simultaneously questioning the legitimacy of the originals. Some nursery rhymes are disturbing to begin with.
Okay, so great concept, great writing.
Haha, this wasn't too helpful was it? Oh, well. Thanks for the read!
-Dai
WOW! Ok that was pretty cool. I could see those becoming like, twisted fairy tale movies. They're really interesting. I guess for "NitPicks" I'll do them one poem at a time:
1:
I Like this one, It's very dark and mysterious. Why would Jack kill his sister? Hmmm...
2:
This one is sad because it is very true. I saw a site once that showed where different children sleep, all were very different...
3:
4:
This one I didn't quite understand, however, that's not a surprise. I am often rather slow.
5: OVERALL, I like them. This is a creative Idea and I'd think you should continue them by making them into short stories perhaps. Give the tale behind the rhyme. One thing I did notice was you're inconsistant with capitalization at the beginning of each line. I really like this. Keep writing!
Emoh
Hi there!
Wow, this was a great idea! I have never heard of someone re--writing old nursery rhymes. I'm impressed that you came up with the idea!
I liked all of these! I have never heard of the second and third nursery rhymes, so they didn't really have an effect on me (although I thought they were funny). My favorite one was the one about Jack and Jill. I found myself laughing and I don't know why. But I like the twist you put into it. I'm also quite impressed that you made your words fit perfectly with the already established rhythms. The last one was good as well.
Overall these are great! Keep writing!
the best one was the first and the last. The first because the seamless transition, the last because the effortlessness in which it was transformed. Fun exercise! Kind of reminds me of changing ode to joy into a minor key to produce ode to sorrow. Anyway, you should do more of these, and check out a book called NOW WE ARE SICK. It's an anthology edited by Stephen Jones and Neil Gaiman and this reminds me of that. Maybe you already do this, but there's a lot of potential to write really macabre poetry in forms that usually are children's poems. It's a pretty untouched genre too, you don't see it very often maybe because there isn't much of a market for it but... what kind of poetry does?