I think I love an assassin

Wow~! I like it!
A not very amazing guy falling in love with some super hot and smart chic !
the thing i liked the most was how u put so much detail in the story line with so much depth too!
i absolutely love it i cant wait to read so much more the only bad thin i have to say is work on the punctuations.
But overall i love it!

My favorite Part!:

Everyone will fall in love. Fact. Love is unconditional. Fact. You will find love in the most unlikely places. Fact. These three facts used to get me through the day.

Heay there!
I thought I would try giving a review a chance so here I go!

Okay, for starters I like the title! I know it gives away part of the plot but it also seems to be the type of title that draws people in and shows a little bit of humor. It kind of reminded me of the type of title such as "I'd Tell You I Love You but Then I'd Have to Kill You," by Ally Carter. (I've never actually read that book but it's just an example!)

I really like your MC, Alex seems humorous and is entertaining!
Although the way he just jumps to asking out Rosetta doesn't entirely make a lot of sense to me since in the very beginning of the chapter he says

Everyone will fall in love. Fact. Love is unconditional. Fact. You will find love in the most unlikely places. Fact. These three facts used to get me through the day.

Hey-oh!

I was actually really interested in your characters. Alex's schtick "student who the teachers hate" has been done a million times before, but I liked his outlook on life and love and whatnot. It's quirky enough that I wanted to see what was going to happen to him.

Two things sort of bugged me:
1) Who was Samantha? Was she just perhaps some girl he admires and wouldn't mind going out with? Because it comes across as sort of a crush-type thing, and then he suddenly flips over for Rosetta. It makes him sound a little shallow that he would switch that fast. Unless Samantha's going to play a role in the story, maybe make her just a figment of his daydream or something. Like "I was daydreaming about getting married to a wonderful girl named Samantha" and so on.

2) The whole thing with asking Rosetta out on a date seems to come really quickly. I mean, we haven't seen them interact at all before this, so what makes him think he's going to like her. Seems like asking for her phone number first would have been a more logical move, then they would get to know each other, then he would ask her out. I mean, your character seems to put a little more into love than just looks, yet he seems to be asking Rosetta out just based on looks. Desperate much? Is that the point? I'm a little confused by this. It just blows by so quickly.

Also, I second PinkShearwater about the title. it drew me in, but once I'm in, it sort of gives away the plot. More subtle, methinks?

All in all, this was cute. I want to see how it all goes down.

~GryphonFledgling

retrodisco666 wrote:Everyone will fall in love. Fact. Love is unconditional. Fact. You will find love in the most unlikely places. Fact. These three facts used to get me through the day. I'm an average teenage kid. Not tall, not handsome, not sporty. I am the proud owner of a Doctor who complete DVD collection. I bet you can't wait to date me ladies. HAHA. Liked this line.

"Mr. Kilton" a voice boomed. Great, I thought to myself. At the moment I have become Mr. Drakes scapegoat. Every single thing that goes wrong. I think it may be because I drift off in his class and received a F on my last test paper. Mr Drakes stood as 5'8. Had brushed back hair with a receding hairline and a nose so sharp it could pop a balloon.
"Mr Kilton. if I'm not to busy interrupting your day dreaming perhaps you could tell the rest of the class how Malcolm X died" He said smugly. Git I thought. The response I wanted to say was. Sir, you are interrupting my day dreaming. I was having A wonderful day dream about me and Samantha over there going out on a date and falling in love, now if you don't mind I would like to continue my day dreaming thank you.
"Sir, I have no idea" I mumbled. A victory for him. He must be proud.
"He was assassinated" A voice said from behind the classroom. The entire class turned around. Our eyes all fell upon Rosetta London. She was a British exchange student. She had Blondie shoulder length hair with a thin wisp of blue coursing through it. She had deep blue eyes,an Oscar winner smile.
"Very good Miss London" He had the smile wiped clean from his face. Git, I re-evaluated this thought in my head. It was the right choice of words. Rosetta gave me a smile and looked back down at her book. I sat smiling for the rest of the lesson. This was going to be a good day.

Mr drakes was writing the last of the assassinations on the board. Malcolm X, Kennedy, John Lennon. The bell rang cutting through the silence with a welcoming scream.
"Everyone I want you to research two more assassinations for your homework and write an essay on how they varied. Oh an Mr Kilton I would like to speak to you" Drakes yelled over the bell. Great, Detention. I wondered which speech I was going to get today. I'm worthless or I need to try harder or even the I will never get anywhere with my attitude. The possibilities were endless. Rosetta walked past me and dropped a folded note on my desk and walked briskly out. I put the note in my pocket as Drakes walked over to my desk.
"Mr Kilton, with your attitude I'm afraid you won't get very far in life" He started. I tuned out from there, I knew the speech exactly.

After what seemed like an eternity he turned his backed to me and began cleaning the board. This was my Que to leave. When I got outside, I took the note from my pocket. Alex, meet me in the library after last period. Come alone, I have something to ask you. Love Rosetta. Whoa I thought to myself. The bell rung again this time not to welcoming. I had Physics, then French. Then I was off to meet Rosetta. Aprés Francais, I thought to myself, and started walking towards physics.

Physics went fairly quickly. We were doing about static electricity so it was fun and Mrs Wilson always knew how to make it bearable. French went quickly as well. We had a sub as Madame Martaine was ill with food poisoning. Subs' were always fun. They don't have a clue. I walked into the library. It was dead. The high bookshelves towered over the tables in the middle. Most of the books were ancient and heavy. I don't think many people came in here, not since they removed the computers. Rosetta was sitting, scanning a text book. I stepped closer. The floor board squeaked. She immediately held up a piece of paper. Hi was scrawled across it in black marker. I couldn't help but smile. I sat down next to her. I could properly see her now. She had soft features. Her lips were a delicate pink, with a touch of glitter from freshly applied lip gloss. Her eyelashes reached high above her eyes and eye lids covered with a soft eyeshadow. She had half her hair tucked behind her ear and the rest hung down by her face.
"A-Alex, I need to tell you something, or rather ask you something." She said shyly. She was so cute. I thought I knew what she was going to ask. I thought she liked me. HAHA. This is what teenagers usually think.
"It's okay, I know what you're going to say." I replied trying to save her the embarrassment. "I'll ask you. Rosetta, will you go on a date with me?" I really went ROFLOL. NYAHHAHA
"Wha- hm" she blurted out. This too! XDFrick. I suddenly thought that I had made a terrible mistake. All the silence that had collected in the libray seemed to have become the pause between us.
"Friday, 8 O'clock, and I don't like Mexican." She spoke softly. The silence broke between us and ran screaming for cover. It was shocked. As was I. She tore a piece of paper out of her notebook and wrote down her address. She picked up her bag and left the library. I sat there, dumbfounded. I was going out with a beautiful British girl. After five minutes I grabbed my bag and left too. My luck finally seemed to be changing, I said to myself.

Hi Retrodisco, Pink here. I'll be doing a quick review for your piece today.

There are quite a bit of misspelled words and such in this piece that I'd like to point out.

"Mr Kilton" a voice boomed.

At that moment I had become Mr Drakes scapegoat.

Mr Drakes stood as 5'8. Had brushed back hair with a receding hairline and a nose so sharp it could pop a balloon.

"Mr Kilton. if I'm not to busy interrupting your day dreaming perhaps you could tell the rest of the class how Malcolm X died" He said smugly.

The bell rung again this time not to welcoming.

We were doing about static electricity so it was fun and Mrs Wilson always knew how to make it bearable.

Hey Retrodisco666,
Here to review.! My corrections shall be in red.! The things I like in blue :]Hope you take the time to read it all :]

Everyone will fall in love. Fact. Love is unconditional. Fact. You will find love in the most unlikely places. Fact. These three facts used to get me through the dayLooovve those three facts - no pun intended. They are very true.!. I'm an average teenage kid. Not tall, not handsome, not sporty. I am the proud owner of a Doctor who complete DVD collection. I bet you can't wait to date me ladies. I like that last sentence! It made me crack a smile. It shows your MC has a sense of humor.

"Mryou forgot the period between MR & KILTON Kilton" a voice boomed. Great, I thought to myself. At the moment I have become Mr Same here.! Drakes scapegoat. Every single thing that goes wrongDidn't really understand this sentence. It seemed incomplete to me.. I think it may be because I drift off in his class and received a F on my last test paperWow, Sounds like me when i had French class.. Mr Drakes stood as i believe it's AT not AS 5'8. Had brushed back hair with a receding hairline and a nose so sharp it could pop a balloon.
"MrForgot the period again. Kilton. Not a period here a comma would work. Unless you did it on purpose in that case the I in IF should be capatalized. if I'm not to busy interrupting your day dreaming perhaps you could tell the rest of the class how Malcolm X died" He said smugly. Git I thought. The response I wanted to say was. Sir, you are interrupting my day dreaming. I was having Athe A should be lower cased wonderful day dream about me and Samantha over thereMaybe you should say exactly where this Samantha is located in the room. going out on a date and falling in love, now if you don't mind I would like to continue my day dreaming thank you. I love his response.Ah, the frustration behind not being able to tell a teacher off.!
"Sir, I have no idea" I mumbled. A victory for him. He must be proud.
"He was assassinated" A voice said from behind the classroom. The entire class turned around. Our eyes all fell upon Rosetta London. She was a British exchange student. She had BlondieBlond hair/ Or blondish shoulder length hair with a thin wisp of blue coursing through it. She had deep blue eyes,an Oscar winner smile.
"Very good Miss London" He had the smile wiped clean from his face. Git, I re-evaluated this thought in my head. It was the right choice of words. Rosetta gave me a smile and looked back down at her book. I sat smiling for the rest of the lesson. This was going to be a good day.

MrI know this must be annoying by now but you forgot the period drakes was writing the last of the assassinations on the board. Malcolm X, Kennedy, John Lennon. The bell rang cutting through the silence with a welcoming scream.
"Everyone I want you to research two more assassinations for your homework and write an essay on how they varied. Oh anAND Mrperiod Kilton I would like to speak to you" Drakes yelled over the bell. Great, Detention. I wondered which speech I was going to get today. I'm worthless or I need to try harder or even the I will never get anywhere with my attitudeWOW, that teacher sure is a pain. Very realistic.!. The possibilities were endless. Rosetta walked past me and dropped a folded note on my desk and walked briskly outOh, how mysterious.. I put the note in my pocket as Drakes walked over to my desk.
"Mrperiod Kilton, with your attitude I'm afraid you won't get very far in life" He started. I tuned out from there, I knew the speech exactly.

After what seemed like an eternity he turned his backed to me and began cleaning the board. This was my No need for the capital QQue to leave. When I got outside, I took the note from my pocket. Maybe you could put what the note said in italics so it can stand out.Alex, meet me in the library after last period. Come alone, I have something to ask you. Love Rosetta. Whoa I thought to myself. The bell rung again this time not to welcoming. I had Physics, then FrenchOh the dreaded FRENCH.!. Then I was off to meet Rosetta. Aprés Francais, I thought to myself, and started walking towards physics.

Physics went fairly quickly. We were doingI believe that was meant to be LEARNING instead of DOING. It would make more sense. about static electricity so it was fun and Mrs Wilson always knew how to make it bearable. French went quickly as well. We had a sub as Madame MartaineOh, how I wish Madame Bremer would have been out more often :]. was ill with food poisoning. Subs' were always fun. They don't have a clueSeems like an incomplete sentence to me.. I walked into the library. It was deadDead silent or dead without people? maybe you should be more specific.. The high bookshelves towered over the tables in the middle. Most of the books were ancient and heavy. I don't think many people came in here, not since they removed the computers. Rosetta was sitting, scanning a text book. I stepped closer. The floor board squeaked. She immediately held up a piece of paper. Hi was scrawled across it in black markerRandom way to greet someone, even in a library. I like it :].. I couldn't help but smile. I sat down next to her. I could properly see her now. She had soft features. Her lips were a delicate pink, with a touch of glitter from freshly applied lip gloss. Her eyelashes reached high above her eyes and eye lids covered with a soft eyeshadow. She had half her hair tucked behind her ear and the rest hung down by her face.I can really envision her.!
"A-Alex, I need to tell you something, or rather ask you something." She said shyly. She was so cute. I thought I knew what she was going to ask. I thought she liked me.
"It's okay, I know what you're going to say." I replied trying to save her the embarrassment. "I'll ask you. Rosetta, will you go on a date with me?"Haha, he sure can be very confident.!
"Wha- hm" she blurted out. Frick. I suddenly thought that I had made a terrible mistake. All the silence that had collected in the librayMisspelled,library seemed to have become the pause between us.That must be dreadful!
"Friday, 8 O'clock, and I don't like Mexican." She spoke softly. The silence broke between us and ran screaming for cover. It was shocked. As was I. She tore a piece of paper out of her notebook and wrote down her address. She picked up her bag and left the libraryAgain, she's so mysterious .. I sat there, dumbfounded. I was going out with a beautiful British girlDoesn't happen very often!. After five minutes I grabbed my bag and left to. My luck finally seemed to be changing, I said to myself.Nice ending.