Published August 12, 2010
Hey guys, I would really appreciate reviews, (I'll be sure to repay the favor!) I'm just starting to get into story writing.....sorry if its a little controvercial! Thanks a million! 
p.s. sorry it was so long...i cut it down so that u get a taste of the story and if you wanna keep reading, you can check out the other parts of it I posted!
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“Hey, are you sure you’re alright?” he asked running his hand gently down my arm.
Logan and I had spent the first week of my vacation hanging out together, inseparable, almost. We had pretty much immediately connected. I felt ere now walking back to mas though we were meant to be, but maybe I was just kidding myself. We had just left a bonfire party and wy condo building, not too far up the beach. Logan had obviously noticed the change in my mood as the night came to an end. I sighed, knowing him well enough to realize I couldn’t get past him with a lie.
“Not exactly,” I said hesitating.
“You’re stalling,” he stated bluntly, “You know you can tell me what it is, no matter what,” he stopped and turned to face me, “What is it?”
“My stepdad,” I finally began after heaving a sigh, “finished his business trip really early,” I said hoping Logan would put the pieces together, but he just looked at me confused, so I continued, “So, he got on the next plane here and arrived three days ago,” I finished watching his eyes widen in partial understanding. But what he didn’t know, nor did I have any intention of telling him, was that my stepdads presence caused more problems than I was comfortable sharing. The extent of his knowledge reached only as far as my stepdad and I not getting along by any means.
“I’m sorry,” he said realizing this new addition to my vacation party would be putting a damper on things for a few days.
“Its fine,” I said, blowing it off as nothing. “Oh shit, I’ve gotta go,” I said checking the clock on my phone, “I can’t be out too late.”
“On a vacation?” he asked with a laugh, obviously thinking I was joking.
“Yeah, I’m sorry,” I said hurriedly, “I’ll see you tomorrow same time same place?”
“Uh…yeah,” he said, the smile wiped from his face when he realized how serious I was. “Goodnight.” I felt his eyes on me as I began to walk away, so I turned to see him wave at me and I gave him a faint smile.
I walked quickly to the elevator and pressed the button with a great amount of anxiety. I hadn’t realized how late it was. As I walked along the hallway, I began to feel that old fear creeping back because I knew I was in for it. My stepdad was a huge stickler when it came to being on time and as I turned the door knob I had a strange feeling I knew what would happen as soon as I opened the door.
As I expected, the first thing that came into my view was my stepdad standing in front of the couch, fists balled, nostrils flared, and knowing him like I did I knew, with a glance, that he was completely wasted. Being as late as it was, my mom and sister were already fast asleep. It was just me and him, exactly what he wanted. I took in a deep breath and began to apologize, but was soon cut off.
“Where the hell have you been?!” he said enraged. I was, as always, amazed how angry alcohol could make someone, over the stupidest things.
“I…” I began again.
“You’re mother and I have been worried sick about you!” he shouted, and I thought, it was a wonder my mom and sister didn’t wake up. Even so, it’s not like they’d do anything if they did.
The next events happened very rapidly as my stepdad quickly, but clumsily, closed the distance between us and grabbed my wrist. The familiar feeling of hopelessness came back just as strongly as he had grabbed me. I closed my eyes, held my breath and waited in anticipation as to what I was sure was coming. His palm met my cheek with a loud clap that sounded as though it echoed in the silence. Both the shock and the blow sent me to the ground but just as soon as I had gone down, I was back up again; my stepdad grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet.
“You should know better!” he said as he shook me, then he continued to essentially use me a punching bag. While complaining about how much of a failure he thought I was.
One last blow to my rib cage was all I could handle as I heard the ribs crack and the wind was instantly knocked out of me. My next reeling breath was accompanied by a sharp pain in my side followed by my audible gasp. The view of my stepdad’s wicked smile was soon masked by the tears filling my eyes as the pain increased. As quickly as I could, I scrambled to my feet and ran for my bedroom door, ignoring the pain. Luckily, because of my stepdad’s current state, I was faster than he was even when I was injured. I reached my room, slipped in, slammed the door and locked it just as he had staggered to it. I stood with my back leaning against the door and then slowly slid down it, each pound of his fist reverberating through me, intensifying the aching of my body.
Unable to hold it in any longer, I broke down and began sobbing. It wasn’t until a few moments later that I looked up to see Carmen staring at me with wide eyes, no doubt awakened by the fight. The whole situation was making me sick to my stomach and before I knew it, I was in the bathroom throwing up. As I walked back into the room, I noticed my sister continuing to stare at me. I held my side as I eased into bed and turned to face the wall, unable to meet my sister’s eye contact. I lay there quietly until I heard her hushed snores from across the room. Then, still feeling uneasy, I drifted off to sleep.
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
*Gasps and dies*
Chatspeak in your intro! Remove it! Chatspeak is to Writers as Garlic is to Vampires.
Okay, actual review now.
Who said what?
'Said' is a cool little word, in that you can use it over and over and it has a way of blending into the background. It's so commonly used that often your reader skips over it as they acknowledge the subject (HE said, said JACK.) Don't be scared of it. Here in your work you have a habit of glorifying your speach tags a bit too much, when really, their simple purpose is to tell the reader who is saying what. For example; "...I said, blowing it off as nothing..." or "...he said as he shook me..."
Just remind yourself every so often that the purpose of a word tag is just to clarify who's speaking (if you haven't already done so) and it will help break the habit.
Keep it together!
The speech, that is. Imagine someone has run really fast in order to tell you something, and because they're out of breath it takes twice as long for them to tell you in between gasps of air. It's annoying. That's what it's like when you put strange pieces of description or action in between pieces of speech. Wherever you can, keep all the speech together, unless there is a purposeful long pause in the sentence.
Chapter One:
This is an average chapter, in that, it would fit somewhere in the middle of a novel. It's not really material for a crucial scene, but it's too good to consider chopping. That said, your first chapter needs to be gripping. The average novel takes about twelve hours to read, so the sooner you can get your reader and your main characters acquainted, the better. Here, you haven't really introduced these characters, and it feels like I'm reading a random chapter rather than starting at chapter one.
The step-dad...
Is a jerk... But he seems lacking. Even evil step-fathers need a motive to beat up their step daughters, and they generally don't waste their breath talking about random things or using expressions like 'we were worried.' Phrases like that are usually used as cover ups to play the nice parent role, not as an excuse to the victim. He needs some kind of provocation, or perhaps a hint that he has been playing things out in his mind for a little too long.
Overall:
This is a good piece of work, but as I said, not really first-chapter material. Hope this helps
And now on to chapter two.
Alright, so I have a few things
#1
Starting with a piece of dialogue bugs me to no end.
It is your first sentence, the first thing your reader will read, the thing that can make you or break you with agents and publishers. Usually a writer will start with an amazing paragraph to set the scene, then add dialogie.
What i'd suggest is to put the dialogue after that paragraph.
#2
Emotion!
Although this beginning was good, I truly felt nothing.
as a writer, Emotion is really important, because it ties the reader to the MC.
Take what you'd feel in the situation, and add it in.
Overall-
It was good though.
Very good
~WickedWonder
I thought it was really good. A few grammer and spelling errors but i thought it was brilliant. Your writing style is good, solid. I'd like to see a little more detail, a little more feeling but it was just so gosh darn good. Good job <3
Hey! Sorry for the delay.
Nitpicks:
Starting with dialogue is sort of a pet peeve of mine. There are so many other ways to more effectively grab your readers. Also, who is "he"?
I would take out the "pretty much".
I don't really understand these two sentences because of what I'm assuming to be typos as marked in bold.
I would combine these two sentences.
Overall, I'd say it's alright. I think I'd like to get to know the situation and the characters a little more before being thrown into the main plot. Maybe start like a week before the stepdad comes so the reader knows what she's like before. We'll feel for her more when the stepdad comes and begins abusing her. Right now I feel nothing for her because I know nothing about her.
Also, I feel like I kind of know how the story is going to go. The stepdad will abuse her, she'll keep it from Logan, he'll be concerned, eventually she'll break and tell him, he'll be furious and want some kind of action. If that's what you've got planned, it's not necessarily the worse thing ever, but try to bring something new to the table. If you're sitting there going "wow, that's not what I have planned at all, you're crazy" then awesome! Go with what you're planning.
Other than that stuff, I think you can work on having more detail and description. That'll help with the character building and what not. I know it's just the first part of your story, but I don't feel hooked yet. I'm curious to see how it plays out though.
-Carly
Hi Ren, Pink here as promised :3
So, I noticed quite a bit of typos and mistakes that I'd to point out so bare with me. Also, I haven't read any of the previous reviews so I apologize if anything I say is a repeat, haha.
Nitpicks
What do you mean by 'ere'? Typo? haha, also, mas should be mass.
*wy?
For some weird reason, I keep picture Logan from the X-men every time I read Logan's name here lol XD
This is improper punctuation. Here is how it should be, or something close.
"You're stalling," he stated bluntly. "You know you can tell me what it is, no matter what." He stopped and turned to face me. "What is it?"
I took out most of the commas and added periods because it was too runny. If you're still unsure about this one, go ahead and pm me, I'll be sure to explain in detail.
Overall
So, first of all, I'd to tell you how cool I think this plot is. I mean, an abusive father, double yikes. I'd like to see where and how things turn out and I'm already picturing possible scenarios and endings lol. Now, with that being said, I still think there are a few things that could be improved upon. The first thing, I would tell you to improve on, would be typos, just a simple spell check or something to catch them ugly mosquitoes
I would recommend you also look up some rules on punctuation, especially with quotations and such. Don't worry, those are easy and I'm sure it'll only take a few minutes to understand how they work. Anyways, there are still a few questions I have considering what I've read. Like, why is the father abusive? What makes him that way? He is the step father too, so that means he's not her real dad, yet to beat her up because she's late, it seems a bit unrealistic. Unless, he's crazy, which is the impression I got, haha. Maybe you'll explain more in the later chapters
So, that's all I'm going to point out for today, if you need anything, don't hesitate to PM me.
On with the next chapter!
~Shear
Hahah that's it?
I'll take that as a good thing...? Thanks 
Three words, pretty damn good
Thanks a million! I'm actually not done with this story, if you can imagine, I'm trying to turn it into a book. hahaha
It's very sweet and a little teary. I love that Logan really cares about Abbey and vice versa. You have a talent for writing. Also, I love that you added that bit about Damien and Katherine, just as a little side story that finished the general story.
You should do a sequel!
Georgie
x
Hey. I love your story, I really don't have anything to criticise other than why haven't you continued the story, this is one well worth continuing. The only other thing is you didn't really give much information on Abbeys' family like how old Carmen is and whether shes Abbeys' full sister or half sister. It would be good if you could give us a little more back ground info on why her step dad is abusing her and about Damien and Carmen and her mum. Other than that I love it and I'm glad I decided to read it, usually I can never be bothered reading long stories but yours was well worth it.
Keep up the good work and definitely continue on with this story!!
~FromNZ = ]
Hey, sorry. I didn't even realize how long this entry was hahaha
You guys are too sweet! Thanks for all your support and reviews!
i will be sure to write more. I just need to find the time to do it. I can guarentee you I will check out your writing and give you my feedback! Really....publication? I honestly never considered it...I didn't think it was that good! Thanks again, soooo much!
You've seriously ONLY beguun writing???!!
X X Kakagirl
This was just so amazing! FAB-U-LOUS!!
I too, normally kind of don't bother reading long stories but yours just.. PULLED ME RIGHT IN! I couldn't stop reading! Keep writing more. Literally, I'm dying to read more.
P.S If you don't mind check out my story Paralysed in Action/Advetnture stories. Pm me or review of what you think..
I'm following you cause I want to read more of your stories..
Hey there!
So I really really love this story a ton! There are a few grammatical errors, though. For one, I think you were trying to say wiped, not whipped. The rest I'll let someone else do because frankly, I am not the person to talk about grammar. I like how the story was simple, but had depth to it. I didn't however, feel as much emotion as I should have. Your reader should be gasping with horror when the stepdad is hurting Abbey. Put a little more emotion into this story and you'll be good to go! I both like and dislike the ending. It was great in an awww kind of way, but i want to know more!!! which, I guess is a good thing. I can't wait to read more of your things!
-gabbs