Young Writers Society

Hello there! Welcome to YWS! It's an honor to review your first work.

Your chosen topic is emotional and gripping, and extremely relatable. We've all been let down or betrayed at some point in our life by someone, to varying degrees. You express it well and in a way that hits hard.

I have a very few suggestions. The first, and I think the one that will improve this work the most, is to remember how stylistic choices will affect your overall rhythm.

It's the "oh" that draws me out. I love its use, but I think its impact will be increased if you change it to italics. It will draw attention to the pulsing beat of your stanza.

My second suggestion is where you use 3.

The 3 potent clicks of a keyboard

Use "three" instead of 3. The use of a number jars.

Nothing quite gets the message across

Than the simple war cry that is

oh.

Last place where you can improve. Change "than" to "like". "Than" is incorrect grammar and jars you out of the story.

Keep at it! What you've created here is beautiful and you should be proud of it.

Christus Rex Est!

~ Pickled Chrissy

Hello! This piece grabbed my attention and here I am to review it. Took me three reads to get the full richness out of this poem.

Let's begin.

circle, a jump, and a dot.

Two reads in and I still didn't understand the mystery behind this. However, the mystery behind it first grabbed my attention to the poem and brought me back to the first line after a second read through. Later on when you mentioned "dot" as referring to a period, I looked back and there it was! The circle for an O, the jump for an h (which is SUCH a great way of describing that letter) and dot for a period. The mystery really fascinated me. I tried to picture someone jumping into a circle but then the dot didn't make sense. You really had me thinking! I love poems that do that!!

whisper through slightly parted lips,

This is QUITE a nitpick and quite a cliche one but I do feel like "slightly" slows down the pace of the poem a bit.

arms clutched to my sides,

A futile attempt at caging my rapid heartbeat.

This is a great descriptive piece. I can envision both the physical pounding heart but also the attempt to control the wave of emotions threatening to burst forth from this person at the shock.

subtle gloss in my eyes

As steaming wetness dabs at my lashes.

Great description here! Steaming wetness is so perfect and this next detail tells me that the writer failed to keep all the emotions from bursting out and reasonably so! Betrayal is not something to be written lightly!

The 3 potent clicks of a keyboard,

Too distracted to capitalize it.

oh.

I think this was my favorite part-second to the first line. This shows how deeply the writer is feeling that all that can be thought of to write is "oh" and is even too distracted to capitalize it. The character appears to be in a overwhelming shock. But a bit of a suggestion; normally people will first go through that shock and then experience the emotions so this felt like it should be a stanza before she starts crying. But just a suggestion.

impatient dots awaiting an answer

As hours and minutes pass by

at this point I believe the character is trying to put her feelings into words or as it is mentioned later, rationalize and try to understand what is going on.

The last paragraph I envision the writer typing furiously at her keyboard trying to get the words down. Quote obviously the person bounces between different thoughts and emotions in an endless cycle of confusing feelings and can't place her thoughts into words so it is best left as "oh" because it is too confusing to explain.

The one part I didn't understand was the molasses paragraphs..

Overall loved this little poem. I'd give it two likes if that were possible on YWS. The mystery in the first line was such a great addition and everything made sense.
I will be giving a shout-out to this work on my wall. Great job!!
-Kaia