A circle, a jump, and a dot.
I guess that’s the most appropriate response
To a betrayal:
oh.
I whisper through slightly parted lips,
When I hear of something tragic.
The period marked by my too-frequent blinks,
My arms clutched to my sides,
A futile attempt at caging my rapid heartbeat.
The sweat running down my thighs,
As I try so hard to hide it.
oh.
The ever so subtle gloss in my eyes
As steaming wetness dabs at my lashes.
oh.
The 3 potent clicks of a keyboard,
Too distracted to capitalize it.
oh.
The impatient dots awaiting an answer
As hours and minutes pass by
oh.
I type long molasses paragraphs
Trying to rationalize it;
Denial, resentment, I wring myself dry but
Nothing quite gets the message across
Than the simple war cry that is
oh.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I'm going to be honest that there's a teacher on my behind so I might be a bit rushed
I'm gonna read as I go! (or try to, haha!)
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Its like a huff of cold air hits you from the inside and you just freeze. your heart doesn't stop or jump like it says in the books, and you don't feel numb like people say in the movies. its like freezing over with a hint of static. sometimes you can feel your heart, and sometimes you want to cry, but no tears form until later. you don't even think about it first, because you're so hooked onto that feeling. if anything, it pushes down on your lungs a bit. like you ran for a few seconds. and then it spreads and it stops pushing on your lungs and only then do you cry. I'm probably telling you what you already know, right? sorry, I'm not really good with reviews! I just kinda liked this one. Mostly because ive had that before and I could damn well relate to it. overall, it paints a pretty picture! I like your writing, as picky as I am! have a wonderful day!
PS the teacher did end up yelling at me XD
Hello there! Welcome to YWS! It's an honor to review your first work.
Your chosen topic is emotional and gripping, and extremely relatable. We've all been let down or betrayed at some point in our life by someone, to varying degrees. You express it well and in a way that hits hard.
I have a very few suggestions. The first, and I think the one that will improve this work the most, is to remember how stylistic choices will affect your overall rhythm.
It's the "oh" that draws me out. I love its use, but I think its impact will be increased if you change it to italics. It will draw attention to the pulsing beat of your stanza.
My second suggestion is where you use 3.
Use "three" instead of 3. The use of a number jars.
Last place where you can improve. Change "than" to "like". "Than" is incorrect grammar and jars you out of the story.
Keep at it! What you've created here is beautiful and you should be proud of it.
Christus Rex Est!
~ Pickled Chrissy
Hello! This piece grabbed my attention and here I am to review it. Took me three reads to get the full richness out of this poem.
Two reads in and I still didn't understand the mystery behind this. However, the mystery behind it first grabbed my attention to the poem and brought me back to the first line after a second read through. Later on when you mentioned "dot" as referring to a period, I looked back and there it was! The circle for an O, the jump for an h (which is SUCH a great way of describing that letter) and dot for a period. The mystery really fascinated me. I tried to picture someone jumping into a circle but then the dot didn't make sense. You really had me thinking! I love poems that do that!!Let's begin.
This is QUITE a nitpick and quite a cliche one but I do feel like "slightly" slows down the pace of the poem a bit.
This is a great descriptive piece. I can envision both the physical pounding heart but also the attempt to control the wave of emotions threatening to burst forth from this person at the shock.
Great description here! Steaming wetness is so perfect and this next detail tells me that the writer failed to keep all the emotions from bursting out and reasonably so! Betrayal is not something to be written lightly!
I think this was my favorite part-second to the first line. This shows how deeply the writer is feeling that all that can be thought of to write is "oh" and is even too distracted to capitalize it. The character appears to be in a overwhelming shock. But a bit of a suggestion; normally people will first go through that shock and then experience the emotions so this felt like it should be a stanza before she starts crying. But just a suggestion.
at this point I believe the character is trying to put her feelings into words or as it is mentioned later, rationalize and try to understand what is going on.
The last paragraph I envision the writer typing furiously at her keyboard trying to get the words down. Quote obviously the person bounces between different thoughts and emotions in an endless cycle of confusing feelings and can't place her thoughts into words so it is best left as "oh" because it is too confusing to explain.
The one part I didn't understand was the molasses paragraphs..
Overall loved this little poem. I'd give it two likes if that were possible on YWS. The mystery in the first line was such a great addition and everything made sense.
I will be giving a shout-out to this work on my wall. Great job!!
-Kaia