Chapter One
Hola
You know old Christopher Columbus wasn’t all he’s cut out to be. He really didn’t even get to North America. He got to some little Islands and South America. He also cut off ears, noses and killed Native….well not Native Americans…but natives the places he concurred. So why is it that we have a holiday and schools named for him? I’d really like to know that.
I guess it’s for the same reason there are schools named for Gorge Washington, it sound good that we have “American” heroes. Yeah right!
“Hi Amy!” I exclaimed as my best friend approached my locker.
“Hola, Veronica. Como estas usted?” I smiled ever since we had started taking Spanish this year we had both been speaking um a variation of Spanish to each other.
“Hola, mi amiga. Muy bien. Y tu?”
“Regular. Okay, let’s cut the Spanish.” I giggled. Amy and I were not the best in class when it came to Spanish so our conversations could only get us so far.
“It will be so fun when we can say more than ‘hello, how are you?’ in Spanish!” I paused “Right?”
“Yes, of coarse it will be awesome!” Amy looked down at my locker, “Wow that sure is a mess. Are you EVER going to clean it?”
“Very funny Ames, your locker is ten million zillion times worse.” She frowned, hopefully she realized I was right. “Well I guess your right.” She murmured. Typical Amy, she didn’t want to admit I was right.
“Hay, we’d better get a move on. The first bell in going to ring in: Five. Four. Three. Two. One.” As the one slipped out of her mouth the bell rang. “Come on worry wart we still have five whole minuets!” “Yeah well your one to talk. You used to be the freaked out one.”
“Whatever,” I replied as I gathered what I would need for first hour Spanish. “Come on or, the horror, we’ll be late.” I smiled I really did care if I was late or not but a opportunity to tease Amy, too good to pass up.
“Okay so class atoms are what make up everything.” Mr. Anderson said in a monotone voice. Would this guy drone on and on forever? I looked at my good friend, Miss Watch. My watch confirmed what I had suspected, ten minuets still left to go, almost forever. I couldn’t care less about molecules, atoms or whatever the point of this lecture was!
When the last bell finally rang I all but ran out of the class room. I quickly went to my locker and grabbed my Spanish textbook and pre stupid algebra book. “Hi,” a voice behind me said. “Hello yourself,” I smiled and turned around to see who it was. “Oh it’s you Melinda.” I was happy to see her but I had hoped it was someone else.
“Yeah it’s me!” She laughed, “Hay do you want to go to the library tonight and study for the much dreaded Spanish test?”
“Oh jeez, first Quarter final, right?” I had completely forgotten. “Oh no, no, no this is just what I need! I had forgotten all about it I have um stuff to do tonight.” I cried in shock.
“Ahh, poor you, well if you have free time call me.” She smiled sympathetically. Melinda was the person to count on for homework help and also for a person to go to when thing fell apart.
I gathered up the remainder of my stuff and left, dreading the cold uphill walk home.
When I got home it was to my dad on the phone to his lawyer. “No, that’s not it at all I just want equal time with my daughter.” Pause. “No, my ex-wife isn’t an unfit parent but…Well yes… No. Hold on.” My dad held the phone to his shoulder and said to me “ Oh, hi green I didn’t see you there, go do your homework.” I cringed at my nick name ‘green’ as he put the phone back to his ear and said “Sorry Veronica just got home…I suppose…No.”
I heard this same basic speech pattern until I turned on my ipod. It was such a relief to hear sweet, sweet Dido music blocking him out. While I was tempted to crack the spine of a book I had to resist. I would fail the Spanish test if I didn’t study intensively.
As I looked at my Spanish textbook panic suddenly struck. Wait what did “hablar” mean? Oh yeah to talk. Like my dad, he sure does hablar! Studying for an hour sounded hard and boring. If only there was a fun way to study Spanish
I went into la la land. Ahh a world where you just somehow programmed your brain to know things, what a world that would be. Ahh. But then my mind realized I was supposed to be in the land of homework that burst my bubble very quickly!
Picking up the Spanish textbook I tried to study but since my mind had pulled out of la la land it had entered court and custody land. A sad land where all the brain can think of is about the fact that even after practically my whole life of my parents being divorced my dad still wanted equal custody.
“Dinner time…” Called my dad, “Wait are done with your homework, right?” “Yeah, dad be there in a minuet.” I called back. “Don’t snap at me.” My dad appeared in my door way “Veronica Renee that was a rude was a rude way to speak to me.” “Sorry,” I muttered instead of arguing it. I had not snapped but it would make my life easier to just apologize and get on with it.
“Well it’s okay, be ready soon, dinner is getting cold.” I thought he was done ranting but making it not seem like it was ranting but as he walked away my dad said “if you don’t hurry up I’m eating without you.” I frowned. “Kay.” I replied.
Dinner was edible but not so tasty as usual. My dad fancied himself some sort of great cook but that’s not true. At all. Some food he cooks is good like hamburger helper made without a box of pre made stuff. Delicious. A lot of stews he makes, not so good. But back to my point: I was full but the food hadn’t been great.
At both my mom’s and my dad’s house there was a big stress on eating together as a family, ever night. It is okay, I guess but I’ve always envied those kids who get to eat a TV dinner-or whatever- in their room while they watch TV, read Cosmo or whatever it is normal teens enjoy and be alone while doing so.
After dinner I went to my room to call Amy. I knew I wouldn’t disrupt her because she would be reading some 500 million page novel -or doing something that made you wonder if she was a child genius- about now. The phone rang once, twice three times then when to voice mail.
“Hi, I’m not here right now, I’m probably out doing something wild like looking at the adult section of the bookstore. Oh yeah this is Amy’s phone. So leave a message and I’ll return your call if I can stop reading long enough. Bye.” I smiled, my crazy reading friend. “Hi Amester, well this is Veronica and I’d like to talk to you soon so yeah…Call me, bye”
I hung up my phone and willed it to ring a moment before calling my mom. She answered thankfully. “Hi sweetie, how was your day?” Her loving voice made me miss being there, at home, where I belonged. “Hi mom, I’m good. And you?” Our conversation was wonderful for the next ten minuets.
“Ahh mom we have to get off,” I groaned wishing to be home. “Yes we do. I love you more than the entire universe and beyond.” I looked around my messy room at my dad’s house, but picturing, my messy but cleaner room at home. “I love you too. Really, really love you. I’ll talk to you in the morning.” I didn’t want to get off but we had a time limit so we said good bye a few more time, then hung up.
[pre]
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there ren3494. ^_^
Some thoughts:
1) Re-read this. This is the golden rule of writing. Proofreading is oh so important. There are a number of silly mistakes in here - just typos, missing punctuation, and other such accidental stuff. Re-read the story critically, looking out for such stuff.
If you find this hard (and many people do) try printing the story off and reading it through then, marking down all the errors you spot with a pen. This is how I used to do it.
2) A new speaker goes on a new line. So, every time a new character speaks, you go start a new paragraph.
Example:
Should be:
3) I’m struggling to see the plot in this story so far. So far, this reads like a description of Veronica’s life: her friend, her school, her family and her home. I get the impression (although I may be incorrect) that you’re ‘setting the scene’ in preparation for the plot. This is generally the wrong way round - rather, you should open a story with some interesting plot point, and aim to grab your reader’s attention from the very first paragraph.
Your opening prologue-like-thing is intriguing, but I can’t currently see how it links in with the rest of the story.
-- Sureal ^_^