Wash away words

by rememberme

Published February 18, 2011

Time to seal away this book of stones.
Of old memories,
& Unforgettable times.
Time to forget that I loved & I lost.
That time can't erase the forehead kisses
The intertwine of our fingers.
Or the weight of your breath on my skin.
Time to wash away this smeared eye liner.
Smudged and dark.
From the tears that dripped
& The words you said
That you will never take back.
Time to let go of
The teddy bears
You got me for valentines day
The smile I wore on our anniversary.
Time I tell you
Why I did what I did.
Why I chose to love another
& Why your eyes still haunt me
even now that your gone.

Time to say I'm sorry,
So I wrote it all down
On this open skin
So I can look back,
So I can forget,
So they will forever be washed away.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
rubberduck
Review
rubberduck wrote a review Review · Feb 18, 2011

Hey there, nice poem. :)
It was generally good, but I'll nitpick.

Time to seal away this book of stones.
Of old memories,
& Unforgettable times.

Don't capitalize 'u' for 'Unforgettable'. I'd suggest writing it like this:

Time to seal away this book of stones,
of old memories,
and unforgettable times.


Time to forget that I loved & I lost.

How 'bout:

Time to forget that I've loved and lost.
or
Time to forget what I've loved and lost.

That time can't erase the forehead kisses
The intertwine of our fingers.
Or the weight of your breath on my skin.

I'd put in commas, so it'd be:

That time can't erase the forehead kisses,
the intertwine of our fingers,
or the weight of your breath on my skin.


Time to wash away this smeared eye liner.
Smudged and dark.
From the tears that dripped
& The words you said
That you will never take back.
Time to let go of
The teddy bears
You got me for valentines day
The smile I wore on our anniversary.

Unnecessary capitalization for 'The' in the fourth stanza. 'Valentine's Day' is in capital letters, because it's an event. :)

Time to wash away this smeared eye liner,
smudged and dark from the tears that dripped,
and the words you said,
that you will never take back.

Time to let go of the teddy bears
you got me for Valentine's Day,
the smile I wore on our anniversary.


Time I tell you
Why I did what I did.
Why I chose to love another
& Why your eyes still haunt me
even now that your gone.

Capitalization for 'Why', spelling and '&'. :)

Time I tell you
why I did what I did.
Why I chose to love another,
and why your eyes still haunt me,
even now that you're gone.


Time to say I'm sorry,
So I wrote it all down
On this open skin
So I can look back,
So I can forget,
So they will forever be washed away.

Good ending. :)

I have a mental image of the girl staring at herself in the bathroom mirror, looking miserable.
Keep writing!

User avatar
StoryWeaver13
Review
StoryWeaver13 wrote a review Review · Feb 18, 2011

I thought this was good, just a few little things.

& Unforgettable times. First, I'd write "and" instead of "&" in all of the places where you do that. I'd also uncapitalize unforgettable.



even now that your gone. "You're."


Anyway, little things like that. Otherwise, I thought this was a really sweet poem. I don't have much to review on context or anything; I think if you really wanted to you could expand this into something even deeper, but to me this felt really meaningful.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver



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