Published June 28, 2011
Today I cried
I sank down to my knees
Gasped for air
And sobbed
I held unto my pillow wishing it was him bit my lip to hold back screams and cried
I cried for non believers and fate
I cried for grudges and grudge holders
I cried for broken promises
I cried for torn memories
I cried for single parents and single children
I cried for broken families and shattered fate
I cried for teenage girls with broken hearts
I cried because I am a teenage girl with a broken heart
I cried for hopelessness and loss
I cried for regrets and the past
I cried for wrong people and wrong doings
I cried for little boys that are lonely
I cried because I know a little boy who is lonely
I cried for secrets that need to be told
I cried for secrets that will never be told
I cried for the truth that hurts more than helps
I cried for the lies that change people.
I cried for families of lost love
I cried because love has been lost.
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138,257 Literary Works • 672,091 Reviews
Im not really a fan of repeating the 'i cried' etc. but in this poem i thought it was necessary. Unlike all your other poems this one comes to me in more attention as it's more interesting. I think you a progressing as a poet and have a good future in this industry when you get older etc. Really good job.
The improvements however could include more descriptions, setting maybe although i cant see how that would help.
Well done really, 7/10
Thanks, WritingAway
I have to agree a lot with Tori. I can understand what you tried to do with repeating "I cried". Sometimes, if done right, the meaning will grow with every line....but that simply wasn't the case here. And the fact that the subject is cliche just makes it harder for you as a writer to make it original and catch the readers attention. I suggest that, if you don't want to change the repetitiveness, that you shorten this by about 10 verses. Also, expand your vocabulary. Use language that feels amazing on your tongue. In my writing classes we are graded on our mastery of language, which is how well you can make words work for you. Your language should sound smooth and flawless and unique. Choose words that you wouldn't normally use, but don't make them seem completely out of place.
You chose a hard topic to write about because it's been done a million times before. Should you choose to shake it up a bit, I'd love to see the end result and see how well your shot at a love/loss poem goes.
Just pm me if you have any questions
Veritas
Well howdy! I see you've written yerself a poem. Let's review, as I read it.
Not the most original opener- I can't tell you how many poems about sadness I've read that start off with crying- but it's decent. It does convey emotion well. Maybe the rest of the poem will gradually improve.
... okay. Well, my eyes burned a little at reading this line. It's sort of a huge run-on rant. I mean, a run-on sentence if bad enough. But then in that one sentence you cover, 1. sadness 2. pain 3. loneliness 4. loss of a boyfriend 5. obsessive crying.
That's a bit much for one line. I would split this up, elaborate on each point,and for the love of God, please put some sentence breaks in there.
...holy crap. O.o just looking at this is daunting, and I almost stopped reading after the third "I cried". Very, very few poems can successfully pull something like this off. I don't mean to sound overly harsh, but you did not. Reading this just feels like a rant. You cried. You cried. You cried. You've made your point. You're still going.
You did have some very beautiful messages hidden amongst the ranting "I cried"s. If you were to take out every single "I cried" and the article before your point, you would have a totally different and much more readable, meaningful, and emotional poem. Here, I'll even show you what it would look like:
Spoiler
See how much better that is?? Except for a few lines that are just rant-like or awkward, you have a lovely, emotional poem here.
You don't need to copy styles you like. Make them your own. You have a real talent, don't try to be another author. And if the original poem was anything like this one, definitely don't try to be the other author.
Keep writing! You have a real talent, and with work, this can be great.
-Tori