Love lies . (Please review) (:

Hello! You ask and you receive! It took me a while because I was really busy, sorry. But I'm here to review! Finally, right?

Comments/suggestions


Spellin Errors/Fixes

rememberme wrote:
[enter] "Forever." I smiled.

I couldn't help but smile. I would do anything for this boy. This blue eyed, scrawny 14 year old boy, held my heart in the palm of his hand.
I remember the first time I saw him. I remember the way I had stopped, stared and forgot everything. Right when I saw him, I knew soul mates existed and mine was staring right at me.I remember our first kiss. I remember the soft chewy gum that left a citrus taste on the rims of my teeth I don't like 'rims'. I remember shoving Shoving sounds really wrong here the gum deep in my jaw as his tongue entered my lips. And that breath of new life I breathed; I felt love enter my lungs. Enter my life.I remember our first fight, I cried afraid of the loss, blaming myself. I remember begging and pleading, telling him I would stop at nothing until he was mine.

[enter] "Were meant to be Ronnie, please don't do this to me."

Desperate. I remember the many fights and break ups after that. I remember how he took me for granted.I remember our one year. I remember the distance that had grown between us. I remember trying to ignore it. I can still see him smiling, holding me. I can still feel him. One year.I remember the first time he cheated. I remember how he had said the words

[enter] "It was a mistake."

Tears dripping and racing down my face. Again I took the blame. Again I took him back.I remember the last time I ever saw Ronnie. The sun setting, both of us clutching onto each other standing in the middle of rocky red dirt road. Kissing him, feeling him. Being his. Forever.I remember our second year. How I just knew that I got lucky, that THIS that HE was why I was put on earth, why God put him here. To love me.I remember the last time he broke up with me. Left me cold, I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't think. I remember the first time I cut, I remember letting the blood fall and gently spill all over his picture.I knew that was the last of me and Ronnie.That was over a year ago.I see you, you're falling for me. Eight months is a long time. And I know how it feels to be in love for the first time. I know the tingle on your lips and the anxiety your heart holds for me. I know you think this will last, I know I'll tell you it will. But, love lies....just ask Ronnie.

Next time use paragraphs. I know that you made mistakes and your grammar was awful. However, I can see how much you wanted to do well. I am sure that you will pick things up very quickly and be able to apply your newly learnt skills next time around! Keep writing!

Dear hockey dude.
I like the please review so nananana boo boo. Kiss it! It was pretty good I thought, and it came from the heart thanks for your advice though. But please dont even mention the word desperate when your reviewing my stories or I will be purrddy pissed. Like I am now. Thank you everyone else too (:!!! LOVE YALL

rememberme wrote:I dont like the please review it sounds desperate...and I was almost not going to review because of it or the format...bad. If its YWS please let us know, I know YWS does that to my storiesForever." I smiled. I couldn't help but to smile. I would do anything for this boy. This blue eyed, scrawnycomma 14 year old boy, held my heart in the palm of his hand.spaceI remember the first time I saw him. I remember the way I had stopped, stared and forgot everything. Right when I saw him, I knew soul mates existed and mine was staring right at me.I remember our first kiss. I remember the soft chewy gum that left a citrus taste on the rims of my teeth. I remember shoving the gum deep in my jaw as his tongue entered my lips. And that breath of new life I breathed. I felt love enter my lungs. Enter my life.I remember our first fight, I cried afraid of the loss, blaming myself. I remember begging and pleading, telling him I would stop at nothing until he was mine. "Were meant to be Ronnie, please don't do this to me." Desperate. I remember the many fights and break ups after that. I remember how he took me for granted.spaceI remember our one year. I remember the distance that had grown between us. I remember trying to ignore it. I can still see him smiling, holding me. I can still feel him. One year.spaceI remember the first time he cheated. I remember how he had said the words "It was a mistake." Tears dripping and racing down my face. Again I took the blame. Again I took him back.I remember the last time I ever saw Ronnie. The sun setting, both of us clutching unto each other standing in the middle of rocky red dirt road. Kissing him, feeling him. Being his. Forever.I remember our 2 year. How I just knew that I got lucky, that THIS that HIM was why I was put on earth, why God put him here. To love me.I remember the last time he broke up with me. Left me cold, I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't think. I remember the first time I cut, I remember letting the blood fall and gently spill all over his picture.I knew that was the last of me and Ronnie.That was over a year ago.spaceI see you, your falling for me. 8 months is a long time. And I know how it feels to be in love for the first time. I know the tingle in your lips and the anxiety your heart holds for me. I know you think this will last, I know I tell you it will. But, love lies....just ask Ronnie.

Spoiler

This poem was written about my first love and was a blog, then a poem and now a romantic short story I need more reviews.

Hey,
This was a really emotional story, I could tell through the writing that it's a real life situation and that you went through pain when this was happening.
What a Jerk! (That's all I have to say about Ronnie.)
I like the way you described things and I agree with Truth that this does need to be spaced out a bit.
You're a really talented writer and I look foward to reading more of your storys!
keep writing <3
~Missy~

Basically Truth said everything. And I thought it was nice. Keep writing!
max

Hello there.

I think Truth pretty much said it all...

I remember the first time I cut, I remember letting the blood fall and gently spill all over his picture.

Eight months is a long time.

Hey there
I'm Truth and I'll review you tonight!

First off, the format is really bad... It discourages me a lot, i was almost not goin gto read it bacause it looked so dense.
Now, I'Ve got a bit of nitpicking, but I'll do things a bit differently, from what I do normally, tonight

"Forever,comma" I smiled.
*Space*
I couldn't help but to smile. I would do anything for this boy. This blue eyed, scrawny 14 year old boy, held my heart in the palm of his hand.I remember the first time I saw him, comma I remember the way I had stopped, stared and forgot everything. Right when I saw him, I knew soul mates existed and mine was staring right at me.I remember our first kiss. I remember the soft chewy gum that left a citrus taste on the rims of my teeth. I remember shoving the gum deep in my jaw as his tongue entered my lips. And that breath of new life I breathed; I felt love entering my lungs, entering my life.I remember our first fight, I cried, so afraid of the loss, blaming myself. I remember begging and pleading, telling him I would stop at nothing until he was mine.
*Space*
"Were meant to be Ronnie, please don't do this to me."
*Space*
Desperate. I remember the many fights and break ups after that. I remember how he took me for granted.I remember our one yearOne year of what? anniversary?. I remember the distance that had grown between us. I remember trying to ignore it.
*Space*
I can still see him smiling, holding me. I can still feel him. One year.I remember the first time he cheated. I remember how he had said the words, "It was a mistake."
*Space*
Tears dripping and racing down my face. Again I took the blame. Again I took him back.I remember the last time I ever saw Ronnie, The sun setting, both of us clutching onto the each other, standing in the middle of rocky red dirt road. Kissing him, feeling him. Being his, forever.I remember our 2 year. How I just knew that I got lucky, that THIS, that HIM, was The only reason I was put on earth, why God put him here. To love me.I remember the last time he broke up with me. It left me cold, I couldn't even breathe, I couldn't think. I remember the first time I cut, I remember letting the blood fall and gently spill all over his picture.I knew that this was the last of me and Ronnie.That was over a year ago.I see you, your falling for me. 8 months is a long time, and I know how it feels to be in love for the first time. I know the tingle in your lips and the anxiety your heart holds for me. I know you think this will last, I know I tell you it will. But, love lies....just ask Ronnie.