Published August 15, 2011
Day one
Nothing to say. Nothing to write. I can't breathe. I can't speak.
Nothing.
Day two
Today is no better than yesterday.
Day eight
You're scent lingers all around me. I wish you would envelope me. Please. I'd give it al to feel you near me again. I'd give it all for another smile.
Come back. You never liked me to beg. You would say "All you have to do is ask." Well, I can't just ask. I'm begging. I can't help it.
I need you.
Day ten
There has been no sign of you. Not one since that day in my room, when I could smell you, pretend you were there.
You're fingers barely resting against me, as you lay soundly in you're sleep. LIke you did the morning of you're death, like you did every morning.
Let me feel you breathe.
Day fourteen
I saw the sun today, the first time I've been outside since they buried you.
Shoved you deep into the ground, clothed lying still in a wooden box.
You looked like a porceline doll, so beautiful and delicant.
The sun rose high when they sealed you into the earth. I'd thought I'd never look at it again. But Daddy's got me outside today to come see you.
In the car I let the sun soak deep into my pores, warming my entire body with one single ray.
Day twentey
I miss you. Daddy's not the same. He lays in bed all the time, and at night I hear him call out you're name.
Sometimes he runs to you're room, and when he sees you're not there he crys.
And I just hold on to you're night gown and cry too.
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138,303 Literary Works • 672,100 Reviews
This is the second story I have read of yours, and I must say, I love your writing.
. It was so sad though. 
There was quite a few grammar/spelling errors, but they could be easily fixed!
You're such a good writer; you're very good at playing on people's emotions.
I liked it a lot
Hi there!
This was a good read. I could tell you put a lot of thought into it. There is a lot of emotion in this. I like the way that you write this as journal/diary entries. It's an easier way to get inside your character's head. And that way you don't have to really describe your character right? I like how you brought out the emotions through her words. I could feel the pain she felt at the burial.
Again, good job with this. Keep writing!
I clicked on this story purely because the title attracted me. My Dad died a couple years ago and I thought I'd check this out, because I know what it feels like to lose a parent (I assume you're writing from some kind of personal experience?)
I do like your idea, and I feel you give the subject matter justice in the way it is portrayed. However, I feel that your expression dips and dives throughout. You use some very vivid, raw vocabulary that I think suits this piece, but in some places you go too lightly, I think. A couple of examples of great words you use are 'shoved', 'soak deep' and your repetition of 'nothing' in Day One, However, when you use 'delicate', 'lingers' and 'envelope', I feel that it 'softens' what you're trying to say too much. You start the piece laying bare the grief and sorrow you feel/felt, but it seems to lessen as the story progresses, rather than deepen in its intensity.
Apart from the spelling and grammatical mistakes those above have commented on, that's my only real point. I enjoyed reading this, and would like to read more of what you have written. Keep up the good work!
This was quite intriguing. I'm going to guess the character is a child who's just lost his or her mother? Either way, it will be interesting to see what you write next (if you continue this?). I liked the descriptions of the stages the person has reached so far - okay, maybe s/he's only really been through a stage or two of grief, but it still works out well in your writing. I particularly liked 'Day One.'
Good job. c: Your main problems are just 'your' versus 'you're' - your = belonging to you, you're = you are. Keep that in mind, and you're all good.
Hey Rememberme,
Start off with a few errors:
As for the dairy, I liked it. Although it started out sounding like an adult writing this. ( Or teenager) Then ended sounding like a child.
You did catch my eye though.
Good Job!
PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!
-Boo