Published August 5, 2011
I always knew you would be the one
To catch me when I fall.
You had me all along
Wrapped around your finger.
You just didn't
Realize it.
Soon enough
i starting fading away
Into nothing.
I call your name
But still I have no answer.
And it makes you wonder.
You hear me cry
As you turn away.
But there is nothing you can do
Anymore.
I guess this is my way
Of saying goodbye to you.
And goodbye
To my old life.
I'm sorry we had to end like this
John.
But in some ways
I guess we had no choice.
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138,206 Literary Works • 672,082 Reviews
Alright, it's really hard to review this, because it doesn't read like a poem. You have a weird structure. You use: no literary devices, no imagery and are telling us a whole lot. If you would flip this whole thing around and actually make it a poem, I'd be intrigued to read it again. But for now, it just reads like a bunch of lines without emotion.
Sorry if I'm being harsh, but just trying to help you out here a little. Maybe what I said was completely stupid, but worth a shot!
Hm.. yeh I agree with previous speakers - bit cliché! Sweet poem but it lacks emotion and imagery... Try spicing it up a bit and throw in some more descirptive words, as it is.. you're telling the story, instead of showing us it
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
I do like it, but I agree with Crescent, really reminds me of quite a lot of different songs, but still good!
I'm not much of a poetry reviewer, but I feel that this is really cliche. It reminds me of several songs. You could add some personal touches to the poem. Also, in the beginning, you mention that John would always be the one to catch you when you fall, but in the end the relationship ends? It doesn't make much sense in my head. You could explain that a bit more or perhaps, it's something the poetic understand? Also, you need to capitalize the "i" in "i starting fading away", it should also be "I start fading away" to be grammatically correct.
This was very heartfelt, but to make it memorable and not just a mush of cliche sayings, you need to describe things with a more original touch. I apologize for the harshness of this review, but this is just what I thought. I do like the last line though, very cliff hanger-ish.
-Crescent