Published November 30, 2010
Death
It can be slow and painful
Or fast and quick
It may be just a knife
But one day you’ll figure out
That’s what gets the job done.
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Ah, yes. Death. Quick, slow, unknown. Good poem but you might want to shorten up the last line a bit.
You had a good begining in describing death but all the things I put in bold are the lines I really didn't like. I didnt like "It may just be a knife" because if your going to describe one part of dieing then you have to describe the rest, you can't just put one in there and leave out the rest because dying by a knife is not the only way. It shouldnt be the only way you point out. "One day youll figure it out." ?? Huh? No body can figure out death because nobody is bold enough to face it and nobody knows when their going to die so that line doesnt make sense to me. "That's what gets the job done." What job? Death is no joke or job it's serious. It's the end of a person's life and I'm kind of offended that you take it so light heartedly in this poem.
Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for today. Unlike previous reviewer, I don't like this, so understand this review will be harsh, but it's improve you I promise you that. So without further ado, shall we begin? I think we shall.
Okay, first off, this doesn't read like a poem, it like a dictionary definition of death if it was done by Sphinx. There nothing we don't know here which rings like any profound thought. It doesn't shock us beyond all human recognition, it does opposite, it has no viable imagery. No intriguing hook, nothing to really grab us or for that matter interest us. You also basically tell us everything, not leaving any room for imagination or any thoughts from us the reader. Not the best way to treat your readers huh? See your main problem here is, this isn't even emo. The only idea I like is the end, and that puts towards an interesting twist, but without a build up to said twist, it feels seriously lacking.
Overall: I see what you should have done, you need to build up this, give us some great imagery about death, then slowly creep in and add the final element, or narrator isn't actually a psychopath. Game set and match. Try it.
Hope it helps.
Haha, I laughed a little bit at this. It's a very profound thought, I especially like the last line;
That's epic! I love it. I also like the way you compare the different types of death and methods of doing it. Very clever. I would suggest developing this into something a bit longer with the same train of thought. Of course, it's fine the way it is, but there's sooooo much you could do with this piece that I have to encourage you to keep going with it!