Saxophone Player in Rizal Boulevard
After paying their tricycle drivers,
they stay in the boulevard for a while
to share stories with each other.
A new wave of people takes
their place when they leave.
Among them, an old man
inhales a chestful of sea wind
and exhales a lifetime of music
through his saxophone, which glints
beside the near-tatters of his clothing.
His tune is his gift to the strangers,
who do not listen to him but watch
the sea, which takes a gulp of sand
and dumps water on the dry land.
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note: Rizal Boulevard is an iconic seaside boulevard in Dumaguete City, Philippines. http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2151/231 ... 19179b.jpg
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Canary word: Present
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Hi Coral!
You're right about the coast thing. Haha. It's probably like that because when I wrote this way back in July, I had a local audience in mind so I expected them to know what Rizal Boulevard was like.
You're right about the sentence fragment as well. I'll edit that right away. xD
I'll revise this soon and show you the revision
Thanks for reviewing!
This was a beautiful piece- I just want to start off with that. But the tones and imagery from the two top and bottom halves seemed very different to me- I didn't get that it was a coast until the lower half of the piece, and when I did get it, it was a bit disconcerting. Otherwise, beautifully done- I love the metaphors and word choices to reflect the scene. I would, however, think about changing this line,
"Among them, an old man
who inhales a chestful of sea wind
and exhales a lifetime of music
through his saxophone, which glints
beside the near-tatters of his clothing."
Perhaps continue onto the next sentence structure thingy, as is this a fragment. And I know that this is a poem, and is not expected to have all full sentences, but the rest are, and it just seems inconsistent. You could also remove the word "who" to resolve the problem. Being the writer, it's really up to you.
Overall, very nicely done. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more from you.
-Coral-