Last Night (first draft)

Raven here,

I felt kind of lost reading this poem. This would be easier to read, if you added a bit more detail.

Then the end caught me off guard, why was the person crying?

But I could almost see the scene, so that's a plus!

Keep on writing,

Raven.

Thanks everyone for the reviews. Much appreciated.

@Knightly: Pablo Neruda? I am not worthy. I am not worthy. ) Thanks though. Haha. This was my first shot at "minimalist" poetry if I can call it that. There is a situation in this poem that I have left to the title to imply. "Last Night" can mean two things.

But I must admit the wording was a bit too... Plain. Will reword it probably. Thanks everyone!

Hello. Your poetry actually reminds me of Pablo Neruda. Your imagery is as raw and powerful as his.

I think that this is different. There's no easily identifiable theme, simply images that leaves the reader to interpret what he or she sees. I think that's why I like it. It's all showing, no telling at all. I think poetry is amazing in the way that through words, it can touch on all the senses. I think that what you did in this poem is make the reader really sense the atmosphere you created in the poem.

Keep writing.

--Nixie

I agree with Kafka... this poem needs serious work. But writing can be like a diamond, sometimes you have to chip away the ugly to find a magnificent, sparkly, breathtaking gem.

light
leaving
the windows
Not a very good attention grabber...
door
swinging
shut
Expand it! Add more detail.
breeze
coming
going
Same with this line. So much can be offered if you just expounded more.
stars
trembling

sky
shedding
Wait, what?
the first
few
tears

light
leaving
the windows
Meh. No particularly spectacular imagery here. Pretty bland.
door
swinging
shut
Maybe if you thought of an alternative for "swinging," I'd like this. As it is, it's a bit cliched.
breeze
coming
going
Since your lines are so short, you want them to stand out. "Coming" and "going" are not going to get you anywhere.
stars
trembling
I actually like this. It's interesting and original.
sky
shedding
...How does that work?
the first
few
tears
Second line kills this stanza.