I learn to love color
I learn to love sound
I see many whispers
When you're not around
I feel the long strides
That music completes
Sometimes I feel fragile
Bony thin, obsolete
But when the light shines
She shoves food in me
I don't understand
Why I must eat
She says don't forget
My carrots to see
My protein to leap
Hot cocoa to dream
Oh, but what I would give
To shrink and to leave
To be fully complete
Without having to eat
So now I see red
With black as I sleep
My life as no one
Just please let me shrink.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Thanks for the critique! I wrote this poem on a whim, and just to let you know, I'm not anorexic. Sometimes I just like to capture the emotion of certain hardships, whether I've actually experienced them or not. Typically I don't go for rhyming poems either, and this is way more straightforward than my other works. But I'm an advocate of new styles because my goal is to be skilled at every kind. Hopefully my editing has improved the poem. Thanks again, earendil!
First off, nice piece. Not that I like the subject, but I'm always interested in seeing writers try to tackle it. Usually not a big fan of rhyming poetry because they can get pretty technical. It just seems as if there's a lot more rules to follow, and sometimes more to critique.
One suggestion I'd make is to get rid of the spacing between each line and break the poem into stanzas. That helps to further establish the actual rhyme scheme, and it saves this piece from being just one, long and extended stanza. It's easier to read and, in my opinion, much more fluid when it's broken down into pieces (which sounds really ironic for some reason).
It could look something like that. Obviously you can break it up however you see fit (or not at all, if that's what you'd prefer). Again, just a suggestion.
Now, second thing: that last line really stands out. Partly a good thing, as it connects with the common thought that anorexic people share ("just please let me shrink"). Partly a bad thing, too. You did pretty well in keeping a uniform rhyme scheme throughout the piece, but then you just throw in this last line and it throws the poem out of balance. My suggestion would be to either work the line into the piece, make one more full stanza to fit it into, or to get rid of it completely. Or you can leave it. Your choice.
Overall, though... again, good piece. Very simple, not a wide variety of word choice but you get your point across well. Keep it up, eh?